


Deacury One Shots

by Living_On_My_Own



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:07:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 23
Words: 70,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24094807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_On_My_Own/pseuds/Living_On_My_Own
Summary: One Shots of Freddie Mercury's life with John Deacon.
Relationships: Brian May & Roger Taylor, Brian May/Chrissie Mullen, Brian May/Freddie Mercury, Dominique Beyrand/Roger Taylor, Freddie Mercury/Roger Taylor, Jim Hutton/Freddie Mercury, John Deacon/Freddie Mercury, John Deacon/Veronica Tetzlaff
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	1. Messed Up Tour (Deacury)

Freddie's POV:

There was two days left for our tour and we decided to just relax and have some good time. Deaky and I walked hand in hand almost all day on the beach and everywhere in the city. Brian, Roger, Deaky and I decided to go again to the beach tonight because we had no show and there would not be paparazzi. Everybody was in a swim suit beside me. I never liked the ocean. It is scary.

We were walking on the beach as we got closer to the water. Then, Brian picked me up while I struggled against his grip. He was running to the ocean.

"Help me!" I yelled to Roger and John.

They started to laugh.

"Stop being such a drama queen Freddie!" Roger yelled back.

What they didn't know was that I wasn't joking. The idea of being in the cold water at night was frightening me. I couldn't swim and neither of them knew that. I didn't tell them because I thought that it was embarrassing.

Brian continued to run to the ocean as I felt tears coming to my eyes but I didn't let them come out. 

"Brian! Let me go please!" I yelled again.

"Sure." he said surprising me.

It's only at the moment that he let go of me that I realised that we were far away from the beach. I couldnt touch the sand at the ground while I was in the water. Brian ran away laughing. He thought he was funny. They all left to place their towel without looking back.

I started to panic. I started to wiggle my arms to keep me up at the surface of the water bit it wasn't working. The more I moved, the more I was sinking. There was a big wave going to me. Unfortunatly, it wasn't leading me to the beach but it was taking me away from it. I was starting to feel cold. I did the mistake to try to scream but the water made its way painfully to my lung just like it didn't want me to be saved. I began to feel weaker because of all the fighting against the water. I needed air but I couldn't get it. The only thing I could manage to get out of the water was my hand and I did get it out. 

This was no use because they were probably too far away from me. Fuck you Brian, if I die it's your fucking fault.

John's POV:

We just put our towels on the sand. Freddie was not here yet so I decided to ask Brian if he knew where he was.

"Bri, do you know where Freddie is? He should be back by now." I said.

"He probably just left because he was pissed at me or he just was gonna get changed." he said.

"Okay..." I said still worried.

Brian took his book and began to read it. Roger began to play with Brian's hair while he took little looks at his book. I layed on the towel and I just watched at the ocean. Then I saw it. Freddie's hand with black painted nails. Oh shit.

I stood up quickly and started to run to where I saw him. 

"Freddie! Fred!" I yelled almost bursting into tears.

As I approached him, not very quickly honestly, I could see his body more clearly. I could see that he was starting to move more slowly as he tried to go back up to the surface.

I finally reached him and took him in my arms to go back to the beach. His body was iced. I could feel him coughing hard.

"Are you okay love?" I asked a few times and he finally answered nodding.

He wrapped his leg around my waist to hold me as close as possible. He was shaking really hard and was panting. I finally sat him on the sand on the spot where I was with Roger and Brian before. Those two bastards didn't even noticed that he was drowning until I brought him to the towels.

"Guys! Give me your towels now!" I yelled.

They give them to me as soon as i told them to. I wrapped them around Freddie to keep him warm. Freddie wouldn't let go of my body like he was scared that he would almost drown again. I couldn't blame him for it. It must have been really scary.

"Good job Brian." I snapped to him.

"Well, how could I know that he can't swim?" he said making me pissed.

"He told you to let him go and you didn't!" I yelled back.

"I did but he just didn't tell me at the good moment!" Brian said.

"If I didn't had to take care of Freddie, I would have punch you." I said angrily letting go of Freddie's body.

I quickly took him in my arms again when I realises that he was still shivering and shaking.

"Please, don't let go of me again." Freddie said quietly but loud enough for Brian to hear it.

"I think you're a bit contradictory Freddie." Brian said.

"Roger! Please tell your fucking boyfriend to shut the fuck up!" I yelled.

I felt Freddie tense. He hated when people yelled.

"Can you two just go at the hotel? I'll take care of Freddie." I said tired of all comments that Brian made.

"Of course, just make sure Freddie don't drown himself again!" Brian yelled walking away and laughing.

I felt Freddie tightening his grip on me.

"Brian!" I heard Roger yell.

"Are you okay?" I asked again to Freddie.

He nodded but I felt his tears sliding down my back and I could hear him sniffling. I pulled him out of my arms and I looked into his watery eyes. 

"Don't cry love. He's just being an asshole. You're okay now. Do you want to go back to the hotel?" I said.

He nodded.

"Can you hold me? All my body is aching right now and I don't know if I could walk to the hotel." he said.

"Sure." I said. 

I took him in my arms and began to walk to the hotel. Freddie had his arms tightly around my neck making it hard for me to breathe.

"Fred love, could you lose your grip a bit? I can barely breathe." I chuckled.

"Oh yeah, I'm sorry darling." he said.

He loosen his grip on my neck and I continue to walk.

"I feel like a monkey right now." he said giggling.

He quickly covered his mouth with his hand. I frowned a bit and took his hand away. I always hated when he would hide his teeth.

"Don't cover your smile. It is beautiful." I said seriously.

His cheeks turned in a bright shade of pink and he held me even more closer. I walked to the hotel rapidly. Freddie was very light. He had the height of a feather. When we entered in our hotel room, I sat him on the bed.

"Come take a shower!" I said.

He started to look at his feet and he shook his head. I could feel him starting to tear up.

"I'll be with you Fred. Nothing will happen but if you don't follow me to take this shower, you'll get a cold."I said.

I took his hand and we got to the bathroom. We took off our clothes and we got in the shower. As soon as I started the water, Freddie tightened his grip on me an other time.

"Freddie, if you hold me this tight, we'll never be able to wash our body." I said.

He let go a bit of my body and I started to wash his. When I finished I held him closer and I started to wash his hair. He did the same. We got out of the shower and we got to bed. Freddie looked at me in the eyes.

"Do you think Brian said all this because he didn't want you to save me?" he asked.

"Of course not!"

"Then why?" he said with his voice breaking.

"I don't know love." I said.

He snuggled against my chest.

"I love you." he mumbled sleepily.

"I love you too." I said.

Freddie's POV:

I woke up in the middle of the night. I was tied up on the wrist and the ankles. I tried to scream John's name but there was tape over my mouth so I couldn't. Then, I saw Brian taking me. I thought that he was gonna help me but he didn't. He took me to the beach again. I knew what was gonna happen.

I tried to escape his grip but he was much more strong than me. He was taking me to the ocean. It was happening all over again. Where was John this time? 

Brian gave my body to the ocean and he watched me sink in it. I tried to untie my wrist but the where held too tight. 

I stopped panicking and I just let go. There was no use in fighting now. I was gonna die like that. I closed my eyes and let my body sink in the water.

I heard John yelling my name. He was too late. He couldn't save me this time. I didn't even had the strength to cry. 

John's POV:

I woke up and I saw Freddie crying and yelling my name. He was having a nightmare. I started to shake him to wake him up but it wasn't working. I started to say his name. Even if I was yelling he wasn't waking up. I had to wake him up. I had only one option. I slapped him. 

He woke up and he let out a sob. He quickly threw himself in my arms. I held him tight.

"Do you wanna talk about your dream?" I asked.

"You're gonna think I'm crazy." he said sadly.

"Of course not."I answered.

"I-I woke up and I was t-tied at the wrist and the a-ankles. Brian was taking m-me to the ocean. He t-threw me in it and I couldn't move. I was drowning a-again but you weren't there t-to save me." he said sobbing.

I wiped away his tears with my thumbs.

"You are okay now. It was just a nightmare. We should join Roger and Brian, they are waiting for us to eat." I said standing up.

"John, wait. Thank you. For... For saving me." he said.

I just smiled and hugged him.We got to Roger and Brian's hotel room. Just like I said, they were waiting for us to begin to eat. They all sat at the table and started to eat. Well, Freddie was more playing with his food than eating it.

"Are you okay Fred?" Roger asked.

"Yeah, I'm okay." he mumbled.

There was a big silence before the storm came.

"So, Freddie, are you ready to go back to the ocean today?" he said smirking proudly at his (not funny) joke.

"Are you finished?!" Freddie yelled making all of us freeze.

"Do you need to talk about each time we see each other? Can you just let go? I'm too tired to deal with your nasty jokes. I'm outta here." he said going out and slamming the door.

I turned at Brian. He was frozen. 

"You're really being a complete asshole Brian. Just so you know, Freddie even thought that you really wanted him to drown." I said.

"I-" 

"Don't" I cut him off.

I ran to try join Freddie. As I approached our room, I saw him bursting out of the door and running away. He had one hand covered in blood and he just looked angry.

I entered in our room.  
Oh shit Freddie.

Freddie's POV:

When I came out of Brian's room, I made my way to John and I's room. I was so angry. I started a mess. I threw at the floor everything that was on the drawers and the furnitures. I couldn't stop myself. I wanted to destroy everything.

I entered in the bathroom. I threw my hairbrush at the mirror. Pieces of glass made their way to my hand. I couldn't feel any pain I was too angry. I didn't even cared that I was at the hotel. I hated Brian for being a coward. I hated Roger for saying nothing to his boyfriend. I had never been this mad. I was never yelling like I did. 

I burst out of the room and I got out. I could finally breathe. I started to walk, ignoring all the fans and the paparazzi. I didn't know where I was going but I was going somewhere. I couldn't face the Roger or Brian. I could even less face John. He was probably really mad at me. I was being the asshole now. I didn't have the right to yell at them like that.

I didn't slept at all this night. I was soaking wet because of the rain and I had dirt all over me because of the stupid cars that splashed me.

I walked to the hotel. It was 9:30. I was two hours late. I was about to knock on the door when a women talked to me.

"They already left mister. One hour ago." she said.

I only had my wallet with me so I juste made my way to the train station. I paid a ticket and entered in the train when it was there. I was still dirty and wet. It was horrible.

I had no right to be mad at them but I was sad that not even John waited for me. I was tired but I couldn't sleep. The train stopped, I was back at London. 

I got out and I ran. It was raining here too. I accidentally pushed a women. I was about to apologise when I felt a sharp pain on my left cheek. Unfortunatly she had a boyfriend. I knew that I already started bruising. I just left quickly.

I continued to run without caring about the rain. I tripped because of a hole in a sidewalk. I could feel my ankle starting to swell. Shit. It was not the time to have a sprain. I just got up and started to walk ignoring the pain. I wanted to cry and I did. 

When I got to our apartment, I slammed the door to let them know that I was back. I walked weirdly in my room and I took new clothes. I made my way to the bathroom and I opened the sink of the bath to fill it with water. I started to remove my clothes. I wasn't even sure if I could take my bath but I had to. I just put my feet in the water and I started panicking. It was way more easy with John. Everything was better with him.

I quickly got out of the bath because I knew that I couldn't do this. I tripped an other time on the side of the bath making the pain worse. I started crying. I wanted John right now. I couldn't get up because of my ankle.

"John! I need you... Please... John." I said with my voice cracking. I could barely hear my self at the last words. I started sobbing.

I wasn't lying. I really needed him.

John's POV:

I was reading a book when a heard a loud bang. I didn't take attention at it. Then, I heard Freddie calling my name. I didn't want to go see him. I was still angry at him for creating a mess in our hotel room and leaving me worried for an entire night. I was gonna let him wait.

I finally decided to go see him when I heard his loud heartbreaking sobs. I walked quickly to the bathroom. I opened the door and I saw a naked Freddie sitting beside the bath with his long dark hair on his face. I saw also his swollen ankle. What happened in here? I walked to him.

"Are you okay Fred?" I asked.

He shook his head. I sat beside him, I took his head in my hands and removed his hair from his face. I gasped when I saw the bruise on his face.

"What happened?" I asked.

"When I got back at the hotel this morning, you all were gone. I was soaking wet because I walked all the night and it was raining. I went to the train station and I got into a train. When I arrived to London, it was still raining so I ran. I pushed accidentally a women and his boyfriend just slapped me really hard before I could apologise. Then, I ran again and I tripped in a hole. I sprained my ankle. When I got here, I prepared everything to take a bath but when I got in it I started panicking and I tripped again on the side of the bath. Now, my ankle hurts like hell and I can't even get up." he said sobbing.

I swooped off his tears on his face. I got up.

"Do-Don't leave me please...I-I'm sorry for being an asshole." he continued still sobbing.

He was back at his vulnerable self. The insecure and scared Freddie. I hated to see him like this.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm not leaving. Do you want me to be with you in the bath?" I said.

"Yes." he said smiling a little.

I removed my clothes and got in the bath. Then, I helped Freddie to get in it too. I washed his body and we got out of the bath. I put a bandage on Freddie's ankle and I gave him ice for his cheek. I sat him on our bed.

"Don't move." I said.

"I can't get up by myself John." he chuckled.

I got out of the room and I walked to Brian.

"You should go see him now." I told him and he did.

Freddie's POV:

I waited for John to come back when Brian entered in the room. I soon as he saw me, he gasped.

"Oh my god Freddie! What happened?!" he exclaimed.

"I was being slapped by the boyfriend of a women I accidentally pushed and I tripped on a hole in a sidewalk when I got home in the rain." I said.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you need anything?" he asked.

"Well, I need to know what you were coming for." I said chuckling and wincing in pain because of my bruise on the cheek.

"I-I came here to apologise." he said.

"I'm sorry for almost killing you." he chuckled slightly and I did too.

"And I'm sorry for being a complete asshole. I quote John." he said looking at the floor.

"That's okay. I'm room try for yelling at you." I said.

"You had every right to. I-" he started to say but I cut him off.

"No I didn't. I should have talked to you more gently. I forgive you." I said.

He walked to me and gave me a hug. 

"Can you bring back John?" I asked.

"Sure."

He left and I started to feel very tired. I hadn't sleep in almost 48 hours. John walked in the room when my eyes started to close so I quickly opened them.

"Someone is tired." he said.

"Yeah. Can you sit beside me? I want to tell you something." I said.

He nodded and came to sit beside me. I turned to face him and I started to talk.

"I just needed to tell you that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left you worried like that after destroying a complete hotel room. I should have talked to you." I said.

"Its okay and I'm sorry for coming to London without you." he said.

"I deserved it." I said smirking.

"No you didn't. What about we forget everything that happened and we just sleep?" he finished his sentence laughing.

"That's a good idea. I love you." I said yawning.

"I love you too." he said.

He gave me a kiss on the forehead and I snuggled into his chest. 

Everything (if we don't count my ankle and my cheek) was back at the normal and I was very happy about it.


	2. Love Is A Troublemaker (Deacury)

Freddie's POV:

I didn't wanted him to kiss me. I didn't love him. I loved John and only him. I never thought about cheating when I was with John. about I waited too long for him to make something this stupid. I knew I had a reputation but I changed.

I never wanted Paul. I didn't love him (Like everyone I think). He pushed me on the wall to kiss me. I didn't wanted that. I tried to push him away. This was useless. He was stronger than me.

I saw him with the corner of my eye. John was there watching me being abused by Paul. The problem was that he probably thought that I was cheating. I finally escaped Paul's grip but John was already gone. I tried to run after John but Paul took my wrist. I was a prisoner and Paul was my cell. 

There was only one way I could escape this jail. I punched him. One time. Two times. Three times. Too many times maybe. He was unconscious but I couldn't stop. I was too angry. He was my punching bag. I could almost hear the song 'Eye of the tiger' in my head. I felt like Rocky. Maybe a bit too much.

I felt my hands being grabbed. I turned to see a police officer handcuffing me. What have I done? 

"I'm taking you to the police station. You have the right to keep your silence." he said.

This couldn't happen. I still had to talk to John. I couldn't be arrested. How stupid could I have been? The police officer almost threw me in the police car and drove to the police station. 

They did everything they had to do with me and they put me in a cell. I escaped one jail to get to an other. I felt alone. Terribly alone.

It was the time for my call. I called the one I had to, John. I was afraid that he wouldn't answer. Luckily he did.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Hey John it's Freddie..." I said.

"We have nothing to talk about Freddie. Bye..." he said.

"Stop!" I almost yelled.

"Don't hang up. Don't hang up. Don't hang up. Please... I-I did something bad and now I need you. I need you to listen to me. I need you to understand. I just need you." I said.

"Come to the apartment if you want to talk." he said.

"I-I can't. I'm at the police station. I need you to come. I can explain everything. Please..." 

I could hear him sight loudly.

"I'll be there." he said and hung up.

Two hours later

He finally arrived to talk to me. He looked just angry.

"You had something to say, say it." he said.

"I didn't kiss Paul! He did and I tried to pull him away but he was too strong. I was so angry at him th-" I stopped myself.

"Are you listening to me John?" I asked.

"Yes." he said but I knew that he couldn't remember a word I said.

"I really need you to listen to me. It's important!" I said.

"I-I can't." he said.

He got up and starting to leave but I started to sing.

"Love of my life  
You've hurt me  
You've broken my heart  
And now you leave me  
Love of my life   
Can't you see?

Bring it back   
Bring it back  
Don't take it away from me  
Because you don't know   
What it means to me" 

"Please listen to me. I really need you right now." I said.

He sat again and I started.

"Paul forced himself into me. I tried to push him away but I couldn't. When I did, you already saw us. I was so angry that I started to punch him. I couldn't stop. I just got arrested." I said.

"I don't know what to believe Freddie." he said.

I let the tears that I held fall. He was gonna let me here. I was gonna stay in these cold cell. 

"I understand." I said.

I really understood but inside of me I was devasted. I couldn't imagine being in this scary place for one night. I wanted to come home and to sleep into my bed with John holding me close. He was always keeping me warm. I always felt loved with him.

"I-I have to go." he said getting up.

I was scared. Scared of being alone. Scared of losing him. Scared of sleeping in this creepy place. Scared of the other criminals. Scared of everything.

"O-Okay..."I said.

I felt myself tearing up. I didn't want him to leave. He got up, said goodbye and left. He was gone. He left me here.

John's POV:

I felt bad, really bad. I saw his look. He just looked scared. I would have been too. I didn't know if I could believe him. His story made sense. I got to our apartment. Deeply, I knew that he didn't cheat. I just didn't wanted to admit it but, it was cruel. I got to bed and tried to sleep. I couldn't. I was now scared for Freddie. I finally got some sleep.

The next morning, I had taken my decision. I believed Freddie. I was gonna do anything to get him out. There was a bail that I was willing to pay.

Freddie's POV:

This was the worst night I've ever had. It was cold and dark. I missed John's body in my arms. It's when they close the door that you feel really lonely.

A guard came and told me that I could go. At first I was confused but after, he explained that someone paid the bail to get me out. I couldn't be happier. I wished with all my heart that it was John.

I changed with real clothes. I got out. He was there. John. I ran to him and I threw myself in his opened arms. 

"I'm so so so sorry John." I said crying a bit.

"Its okay. Are you ready to come home?" he said.

I nodded and we drove back to the apartment. When we arrived we just cuddled for the rest of the day. I was happy.


	3. You Don’t Deserve To Live (Deacury)

Paul's POV:

I knocked on the door of Freddie's house. John was out so I was gonna be alone with him. This had to be done. Freddie opened the door. He had a sleepy head and he was shirtless. Disgusting.

"Paul! What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I just thought that we could hang out." I said.

"Sure! Make yourself at home darling!" he said letting me enter.

I sat on the couch waiting for the best moment.

"Do you want anything to drink dear?" he asked.

"Water would be perfect!" I said fake smiling.

He went to the kitchen. I followed him quietly. He grabbed a glass and filled it with water. I took what I needed and walked behind him as he served himself a glass of wine. I grabbed his wrist and turned him so he was facing me. He had wide eyes and he respiration stopped when he saw the knife pointing his heart. He looked scared and I was happy about that. I finally had the control. I could have killed him now but it wasn't enough for me. I wanted him to be dead in his mind too. I wanted him to almost beg me to kill him. I wanted to see him broken.

"Why are you doing this?" he asked shaking.

"Oh honey, when you're not mine you're just... Useless!" I answered laughing.

"How many time do I have to tell you that no one loves you? Brian and Roger don't care about you!" I said.

"You're wrong. They d-do care about me." He said.

"Do they really? When was the last time you saw them? When was the last time they asked how you are?" I said proud of myself.

He stayed quiet.

"That's what I thought." I said.

I tightened my grip on his wrist and he winced in pain.

"Pity. That's the reason why John is with you. He doesn't love you. How could he? How could anyone love you? Look at yourself in the mirror Freddie! I don't see anything attractive! And look at those teeth, they're simply horrible. You don't deserve to live Freddie." I said smirking.

3rd person's POV:

Freddie couldn't help but think that he was right. Deeply, he felt that way. He felt like he couldn't be loved. He couldn't even look at himself in the mirror without feeling disgust. Paul was holding his wrist so hard that Freddie knew that bruise were starting to form.

"Someone is gonna find us before you can do anything Paul." Freddie said trying to stay calm.

"No one is gonna hear you if you scream Freddie! No one is there for you! No one is gonna find you! No one actually cares about you! No one wants you! Paul No one loves you!" Paul yelled.

Freddie wanted to cry. He started to poke Freddie's chest with the knife. Freddie was scared but one question stayed in his mind. Does anyone really care if I die? He couldn't find someone. Someone that he knew that would be sad over his death. That would cry over him. He never felt this lonely. 

"Say your goodbyes Freddie. Oh sorry, I forgot that you don't have anyone to say goodbye to." Paul said smiling.

Paul was ready to do it. 

"Fred! I'm home!" Someone yelled.

It was John. Paul let go of the knife and Freddie's wrist and he just ran away. Freddie felt like he was gonna fall. He couldn't stand on his feet. His breathe was irregular.

John entered in the kitchen. He saw a panicking Freddie.

"Are you okay Freddie?" he said walking to him.

"Y-yes." he answered.

"I know you're not. You can tell me anything. Tell me what happened." John said, be was a little bit angry that Freddie wouldn't say anything to him.

"No, really, I'm fine. You don't have to worry." he said fake smiling.

"I know you Freddie. You're not fine." John continued getting more angry by the second.

"Can you just let go?" Freddie asked.

"Why won't you talk to me?!" John yelled.

Freddie froze. He could see Paul yelling at him.

"I-I can't." Freddie said.

A couple of tears escaped his eyes and he just ran to their bedroom. He closed the door and locked it. He started to panic. Was John gonna be like Paul? 

He sobbed. He lied on the bed and hugged his leg. He wanted to erase this morning of his mind. He was scared that Paul was gonna come back. He was scared of John being like Paul. But, he was mostly scared of being alone. He was scared of John leaving him. He was scared of Brian and Roger leaving him. He was scared of being left by himself. 

John felt bad. He was being horrible. Freddie just looked scared. He made it worse. He could hear Freddie sobbing. That broke his heart. He hated seeing him like this.   
He wanted to know what made him so scared. He decided tho go see him. He walked to the bedroom. The door was locked. He couldn't tell Freddie to open the door because he never would. He just broke it by running into it. 

He saw Freddie, curled up in a ball. He sat beside him on the bed. He turned Freddie so he would be facing him. 

"I'm sorry for yelling at you Freddie. Its just that I'm worried about you. " John said.

Freddie nodded. John took Freddie's hand in his. His eyes widened when he saw his wrist. Freddie quickly removed his hand from John's. He knew that he saw his bruises. He couldn't look at John in the eyes.

"What is that Freddie?" he asked worriedly.

Freddie didn't say anything.

"What happened Freddie?" John said sweetly.

"P-Paul." Freddie answered.

He couldn't speak.

"What happened with Paul?" John asked.

"He came and said that we could hang out. I was serving him a glass of water when he just threatened to k-kill me. He had a knife pointing at my heart. He said bad things and he held my wrist really hard." Freddie answered sobbing.

"I-I trusted h-him." he said sobbing harder.

"What did he said to you Fred?" John asked.

He knew that Freddie was affected by his words.

"H-he said that no one loves me and ever will because I was too ugly. He s-said that you were just with me because of pity. He said that I didn't deserve to live and that no one cared if I died." He said still sobbing.

"He's wrong. You're beautiful Freddie. You're not alone. You have a lot of people that are here for you when you need someone. You're never going to be alone." John said.

He took him in his arms. He could feel Freddie's body shaking.

"What if he comes back to try to kill me again?" he said panicking.

"That's not gonna happen Freddie and if it does, I'll be there to protect you."

Freddie felt safe in John's arms. He knew that he would be there to protect him.


	4. We Were Too Young (Deacury)

Freddie's POV:

It couldn't be happening. We were too young. We weren't ready. We had still too much thing to do. I wasn't ready for that.

We never talked about having a baby. John was still with Veronica. We just had a one night stand. He said he loved me but that he couldn't break up with her. He couldn't break her heart. Does that gave him the right to break mine? 

I didn't know how to feel about this. I thought that maybe John and I would be closer if we had a baby. I had to tell him. I called him.

"Hey Freddie! How are you?" he asked.

"Huh, good. I have some news." I said.

"I have too!" he said.

"You can begin!" I said getting more nervous by the second.

"Veronica and I are expecting a baby!" he said.

I could feel my heart stop beating. I felt broken. There was no chance for us anymore.

"Freddie are you still here?" he asked.

"Y-yeah." I said.

"She's already at 16 weeks. She waited to know the gender to tell me! I'm having a little boy!" he said sounding excited.

"That's cool..." I said.

"Are you okay Freddie?" he asked.

"Yes. I have to go." I answered.

"But you didn't tell me what was your ne-" he started to say but I hung up.

I couldn't believe it. What was I gonna do? 

"This is gonna be just us." I said sighing.

4 months later

I tried almost every weeks to talk to John about the little baby growing inside of me. He always had an excuse and it was always about Veronica or his baby. Well, Veronica's baby. 

My baby bump was showing a bit. That's why I didn't went out often. When I did, I was wearing baggy shirts. 

I saw only a few times Brian and Roger in four months. The only time I did is when I asked them to hang out and when we had to record and we didn't a lot. I was feeling very lonely but I had my baby.

I was having a baby girl. I had gone to an appointment yesterday and I found it out. I was really happy but, I wished that John would have been with him. 

I decided to call John a last time and if he didn't want to hang out with me, I'm gonna give up.

"Hey Freddie!" John said.

"Hey John! I still need to talk to you. Its really important. Could we hang out please?" I asked.

"I'm sorry Freddie, I have an appointment today for the baby. Maybe an other day." he said.

"John, that's what you're saying everyday I call you." I said sighing.

"Well, I'm really busy and I need to be constantly with Veronica." he said.

"Whatever." I said while I hung up.

I was tired of trying. He couldn't find one minute for me. I gave up. I was gonna tell him when it was the time to. 

1 month later

I was happy. I woke up and my baby girl was kicking in my stomach. Jerry was curled up in a ball, sleeping beside me. I got up and dressed. 

I walked down the stairs when I saw Delilah sleeping on one of them. I tried to wake her and pull her away but she wouldn't. I just tried to miss a stair but I slipped and fell. Luckily I was only at three or four stairs from the first floor. 

I got up and started to make myself breakfast. I wasn't interrupted by morning sickness. I sat and started to eat. Then I realised, the little kicks weren't there anymore. No movement in my stomach.

I started to panic. I couldn't lose her. I got up and went to the phone. I tried to call Roger. No answer. I tried with Brian. Nothing. I finished with the last one. John. He answered almost immediately.

"John! Can you please come to my house? Its an emergency!" I said panicking.

"I-I can't Freddie." he said.

"W-why?" I asked.

"Veronica was in labour one hour ago Freddie. I just had my baby." he said happily.

"I-I really need someone right now and you're the only one who answered." I said.

"I really need you." I continued.

"You're not going between me and Veronica anymore Freddie. It happened one time and it won't happen again." he said.

I swear, I could have burst into tears.

"That's not wh-" I said, interrupted by my own scream.

I felt a horrible pain at the lower part of my belly. It was a sign of miscarriage. John hang up. I sat on the floor. I started to cry. I couldn't lose my baby girl.

"Don't leave please. You're the only one left. I can't lose you too. Stay with me." I said sobbing.

I started to sing.

"So please don't go  
Don't leave me here all by myself  
I get ever so lonely from time to time  
I will find you  
Anywhere you go, I'll be right behind you  
Right until the ends of the Earth  
I'll get no sleep till I find you to tell you  
That you just take my breath away"

My voice cracked. I felt liquid running down my legs. Blood. Everywhere.

"No! No. No. No. No!" I screamed.

I was losing my baby girl. She was leaving me here all by myself. I sobbed. I let out everything. I was broken.

John bursted indo the room.

"Where did you hurt yourself Freddie?" he said when he saw the blood.

"I did not hurt myself John. Your baby is hurt." I said sobbing.

"My baby is fine Freddie." he said confused.

"Not Veronica's baby. You're losing our baby." I said.

His eyes widened. He took me bridal style to his car. He drove to the hospital. The pain was horrible.

"Why didn't you tell me Freddie?" he asked.

"I called you every single weeks for four months. You can't say that I didn't try John." I said.

He parked the car and took me to inside the hospital.

"I need help! My friend is having a miscarriage." he said loudly.

This sentence hurted. I hated when he called me his friend. That's what I was but it still hurted. 

They took me to a room and they did several tests. John stayed beside me only staring. A doctor came into the room.

"We have the results of the tests M.Mercury." he said sternly.

"What are they?" I asked nervous.

"I'm sorry to tell you that we couldn't save you're baby M.Mercury." he said.

I couldn't hear anything else. She left me. I looked at John and he left the room. He seemed like he didn't care. I cried. I couldn't stop. I was alone. She was the one that kept me alive. I was living for her. She kept telling me that she was with me with her little kicks.

"... We have to take you to an operation room to remove the foetus." the doctor said.

They did the operation. I wanted to die. I wanted to be with her. She could have been an happy girl but she didn't even had time to live a real life. After the operation, I felt empty. I was still waiting for a sign of life in my stomach. There wasn't any. 

I came back home after a few days. I walked to the nursery I prepared for her. I was ready to have her. I had everything ready. To the crib to the onesies. 

I bursted into tears. I couldn't believe something like that happened. I wanted my baby girl. I took one of the onesies and I hugged it. I wanted to feel a baby in my arm. I was so ready to be a father. I could have done it. 

One week later

3rd person POV:

Freddie almost didn't leave his bed this whole week. Roger called to his house. They needed to record an other time one song because the recording had problems. Freddie agreed and he came to the studio. He couldn't keep avoiding them.

In the streets paparazzi kept asking things.

"Is the rumor about you having a miscarriage is real?" he asked.

Freddie couldn't cry in front of them. He kept walking, avoiding them. When he entered in the studio, Roger immediately walked to him.

"Hey Freddie! Are you okay? You seem a bit down." he said.

"Yes, I'm fine!" Freddie answered fake smiling.

They recorded an other time You take my breathe away. When the instruments were done, it was time for Freddie to sing. He was apprehending it. He started to sing.

"Ooh you take my breath away

Look into my eyes and you'll see  
I'm the only one  
You've captured my love  
Stolen my heart  
Changed my life  
Every time you make a move  
You destroy my mind  
And the way you touch  
I lose control and shiver deep inside  
You take my breath away

You can reduce me to tears  
With a single sigh  
Every breath that you take  
Any sound that you make  
Is a whisper in my ear  
I could give up all my life for just one kiss  
I would surely die  
If you dismiss me from your love  
You take my breath away

So please don't go  
Don't leave me here all by myself  
I get ever so lonely from time to time"

His voice cracked. He couldn't sing anymore. Tears fell on his face. Roger and Brian shared a worried look. 

"I'm gonna go see him." John said.

John joined Freddie in the recording room. Brian and Roger weren't able to hear them talk because of the glass that separated them.

"Are you okay Freddie?" John asked.

"I'm fine." he answered.

"Are you sure?" he asked again.

"I'm okay John." Freddie said.

"I know you aren't Freddie." John continued.

"Please, leave it John." he said.

"I just want to be here for you." John said.

"You weren't there when I needed you the most. Why would you be here now? You left as soon as you knew. Do you even care?" Freddie said starting to let out silent tears.

"Of course I do!" John said.

"Then act like it!" he said.

"I have a family to take care of now Freddie!" John snapped annoyed.

"She was the last one! What do I got now?" Freddie asked. He looked broken.

"And who's fault is that Freddie?" John said, immediately regretting it.

Freddie didn't say anything. He stood there. He wanted to scream to him. He wanted to burst into tears. 

"I can't believe you John." he said crying.

Roger and Brian were just confused. Freddie started to leave but John took his forearm.

"Freddie..." he said.

Freddie turned to face him.

"What do you want?! You want to cause more pain? You want me to be destroyed? You want every part of me to be broken? You want me to be unable to live with all this pain? What do you really want John?" he said sobbing.

"I know that its my fault if I have no one okay? I'm the only one to blame. I don't need a reminder. I think this is hard enough." he continued.

"I didn't mean it Fred..." John said.

"Well I do!" Freddie sobbed.

"I got it. I won't go between you and Veronica anymore." Freddie finished.

He left the room sobbing. John felt more than horrible. He went back to Roger and Brian.

"What is going on John?" Roger asked.

"This is a long story." John said.

"We have time." Brian said.

"Freddie discovered that he had a male and female organ. We kind of had a slip together. I found out not long later after that that Veronica was pregnant. I didn't have time to talk to Freddie but he knew that he was pregnant too." John started.

"So Freddie is pregnant?" Roger asked.

"No... And that's the problem... The day Veronica was in labor, Freddie fell in the stairs and he had a miscarriage. We lost the baby." John finished.

Roger and Brian gasped. They couldnt believe it. They couldn't believe that Freddie was able to keep everything to himself.

"John... What did you say that made him so upset?" Brian asked.

It was John's time to sigh. He hid his face in his hand. He was ashamed of what he said.

"He said that he didn't had anyone left and... I kind of said that it was his fault." John said.

"John!" Brian said angrily.

"You should go see him. He needs you John." Roger said.

John nodded and left the studio. He was about to go see Freddie but he came by his house and Veronica convinced him to stay.

One year later

Freddie POV:

Today was the birthday of John's son. I was invited to go to their house. I didn't want to get out of bed. For me, it felt like it was more a party to celebrate the death of my baby girl. 

I arrived to John's house. Veronica opened the door. I gave her my gift. I bought it at a baby shop. Just going in the shop was hard. I kept imaginating my little baby everywhere, in every onesies.

She greeted me with a smile. I didn't smile back. I couldn't pretend that I was okay. I wasn't. She didn't say anything. She let me enter.

"We were waiting for you Freddie to go to the table and start to eat!" John said.

None of them seemed to notice that I wasn't fine. None of them asked anything.

We sat at the table. I felt sad. Everyone had a family. Brian and Chrissie were expecting a baby in one month and Roger and Dominique were expecting a baby in five months. John and Veronica looked happy with their son. I was alone.

They were talking to their loved ones. I had no one to talk to and no one talked to me. I was sitting at the edge of the table. I kept staring at my plate. I wasn't hungry. I wanted to feel little kicks in my stomach. I wanted to feel her rolling inside of me. I wanted to feel her presence. I wanted to feel loved. 

I looked at all the familiar faces. I felt pained. I hid my face with my hair. I wanted to fill my glass with my tears and drown my sorrow in it like there was no tomorrow. At that moment, I found it kinda funny, kinda sad, the dreams I was dying in were the best I ever had.

I wanted a children, waiting for the day, feeling happy. The day we could sing her 'Happy birthday, happy birthday'. Made her feel the way every child should. I wanted her in my arms, my little girl.

I wanted to feel her one last time. I want her to take my pain away. I felt so alone. Nothing felt like home. I wanted to yell 'Do you want to know what it feels like to be shattered?' I should have but there was no one to hear me.

This day could have been the day that she blew out her candle. Making a wish as she closed her eyes. Smiling ear to ear. People laughing, having fun. I could have been there beside her, looking at her proudly. But, instead if that, I'm sitting here crying of the things that could never happen. 

What would she look like? What would she like? Questions that there will never an answer because she was gone too soon. I could have gave her everything I had but instead of that, the world took everything I had.

She was just a five months little baby bump but she was torn up from life. I still couldn't understand why. She could have hold me tight, her hand taking my finger. Her little body on my chest, having the best sleep together. She could have said to me her first word, made her first steps, make me proud. 

All around me, happy faces. And there was me with my worn out face because of the tears. I felt like an intruder. No one noticed me. I was just useless. I had so much people around me but I felt alone. I couldn't be happy like they were. I couldn't even think of being happy. 

I got up without anyone seeing me. I went to the door and left closing the door quietly behind me. That's when I broke. I sobbed and cried. I wanted to scream to the whole world how I felt. I felt pain at my heart. The worst pain you can ever feel. The pain that never goes away. The pain that you feel when you lost something you can't live without. I was destroyed. I wish someone could understand me at that moment. But, no, no one could feel the pain I was feeling.

3rd person's POV:

Every one was still talking at the table. No one noticed that Freddie left. It's just when it was time for the cake that Roger said:

"Guys, where is Freddie?"

John got up. He made his way toward the door. Veronica followed him and grabbed his forearm.

"Freddie's gonna be okay." she said.

"No he won't!" John panicked.

"Come for the cake John. You're not gonna miss your son's first birthday aren't you?" she said.

John didn't know what to do. He decided to sit back at the table. They eated the cake and opened the gifts. Everyone forgot that one of them was missing, beside John. He couldn't be more worried. He knew that it was a hard day for Freddie. He couldn't imagine feeling how Freddie felt when he arrived there and everyone was happy, but he couldn't. He couldn't feel one ounce of happiness in his body.

Everyone left. John decided that he needed to go see Freddie. Veronica was angry. She wanted John to be only hers. She hated Freddie for stealing his boyfriend. 

John drove to Freddie's house. When he opened the unlocked door, he heard the loud sobs of his friend. He felt heartbroken. He had lost his baby too but he knew that he couldn't ever feel what Freddie was feeling. John had a girlfriend and a baby. Freddie had nothing. He had no one to help him feel better. Each one of the band members had a busy life. He had no one to talk to.

John walked to the second floor. Freddie wasn't in his bedroom. He made his way to the bathroom. That's were Freddie was. John looked at Freddie. He was curled up in a ball, his back at the wall. He had one hand covering his face and the other on his belly. John moved and made the floor creak. Freddie looked up.

"Please, leave me alone John." Freddie sobbed.

John couldn't stop thinking about how Freddie must have felt at that moment. He had never saw Freddie looking broken like that. 

John sat beside Freddie and gave him a big hug. Freddie just started to sob more hard. John took Freddie's cheeks in his hands and he kissed him softly. At the beginning, Freddie responded to the kiss but, then, he pulled away.

"I wish we could do that John. But, if we do, you're gonna hate me later for ruining your family. No matter what we do, one of us is gonna end up getting hurt." Freddie said crying.

John got up. He left the bathroom without looking back. He walked back to his car. He could hear Freddie sobbing again. He drove away.

Freddie felt alone again. He loved John and he had no doubt of it but, John didn't love him back. He screwed up. He made John leave. He made the last person that cared about him leave. 

John drove to his house. He had to talk to Veronica. When he arrived, she was sitting on the couch reading magazines.

"I need to tell you something." he said.

"Go for it..." she said.

"I-I cheated on you."

"Are you serious?!" she yelled.

"I'm sorry..." he said.

"With who?" she asked yelling.

"F-Freddie." he muttered.

"Your a fucking asshole." she said walking out.

She made her way to Freddie's house like John did earlier but, this time, she wasn't there to comfort him. John followed her without her noticing. The door was unlocked. She entered. 

"Freddie?!" she yelled.

She walked in the stairs.

"You're gonna regret for ruining our family Freddie!" she yelled again.

She heard the sound of water. It was coming from the bathroom. She knocked aggressively on the door.

"Open the door Freddie!" she said.

There was no answer. She felt liquid at her feet. She looked down. Red water. All the anger faded away she was now frightened. She was scared of opening this door. Scared of what she would find.

She opened the door. She let out a scream. John ran to her. He looked through the door. His eyes widened when he saw Freddie's body in the bath. His face was pale. There was a broken little mirror. One of the pieces was in Freddie's hand. His wrists were all open. A living nightmare.

"Call an ambulance." John said to Veronica.

She ran downstairs. John walked to the bath. He took Freddie's body in his arms, ignoring all the water mixed to blood. John could see Freddie's eyes slightly opening. 

"John..." he said in a quiet whisper.

"Don't leave me Freddie..." John sobbed.

Freddie closed his eyes again. John tightened his grip on him. He couldn't let him go. 

Tore my shirt to stop you bleeding.  
But nothing ever stops you leaving.

One hour later

John was at the hospital. He knew he had to call Brian and Roger. He started with Brian. He immediately answered.

"Hey John!" Brian said.

"Hey Brian... I need you to come at the hospital. Bring Roger with you." John said with his voice breaking.

"What is going on?!" Brian asked.

"I'll tell you when you get here." John said before hunging up.

When they arrived to the hospital, John couldn't stop crying. Veronica tried to comfort him but it was no use. Brian and Roger asked him what was going on.

"Freddie, h-he... He... Fuck!" he said.

He breathed and wiped his tears off. 

"Freddie tried to k-kill himself." John said sobbing again.

None of them could believe that it was happening. There was only one of them who could know at beggening of the day that Freddie wasn't happy. It was John. Veronica left to give them time alone.

"What happened?" Brian asked.

"When you left, I went to his house. He was just crying. I tried to comfort him and we ended up kissing. He pushed me away and said that I was gonna end hating him for breaking my family. I went back to my house. I wanted to tell Veronica that I cheated. I wanted to show Freddie that I loved him. I told Veronica and she got angry. She went to Freddie's house and I followed her. When I entered in his house, Veronica was already there. I heard her screaming. I ran to her and I saw Freddie's b-body in his bath. There was blood everywhere. He looked dead." John explained sobbing.

"I was gonna tell him that I loved him! I was gonna tell him that I wanted to be with him! I love him so much!" John sobbed.

His heart ached so much. No one could have thought that Freddie was this unhappy. 

"Do you think it was p-planned?" Brian asked.

John looked at him.

"I-it was." he said.

John took an eveloppe from his pants. There was 'John' written on it. A suicide letter.

John, 

Maybe it was a waste of time. Trying to fix me, trying to fix my heart. I tried so hard to be happy. To feel like I enjoyed life. You chose your family over me and I can't blame you for that. Did you loved me? Maybe once but it ended quickly. Who could love me?

We could have a future where we are best friends, like nothing happened. Like everyone is happy. But I don't want this future. The only one I wanted to feel loved by was you. 

It feels easy, leaving like that. Who cares anyway? Slashing my wrists, losing so much blood that I can't move. It would surely feel good. I'm sorry if you're the one who found me.

This day was the last straw that broke the camel. I woke up and I felt pained everywhere but at my heart, it was horrible. I walked to your house. I hoped to find you, asking how I was doing, caring a bit. No one saw it. The look on my face, there was no pleasure at being there. I didn't know what I was doing there. You all talked to each other. I wanted to feel like all of you. To have the joy of having a real family.

I looked at you all. I wanted to cry. It was like no one saw me. Was I invisible? Why did you invited me? No one cared if I was there or if I wasn't. For one second, I thought that's what you wanted. Like you wanted me to feel unwanted. 

I still count find a way of pretending. You were all smiling and laughing. I couldn't. I didn't received one look from anyone. I felt alone. More than ever. 

I stayed at the table. I wanted to scream to all of you. I wanted to ask you if you could understand. If you could listen to what I had to say. But, you were too concentrated on your little families that you didn't see it coming. You didn't see that the only thought in my mind was of dying. Taking something sharp enough and digging it in my arms.

Nobody saw the tears falling on my face. There was no one to wipe them of. There wasn't even a little a baby girl to kick to tell me that she'd always be with me. Rolling in my stomach. If only one of you could know how much I wanted to die.

My life was a disaster. I couldn't picture myself as a grown up man and the time was passing too quickly. It wasn't just time. Life was getting harder. There was nothing more than pain. Just pain. Anytime. Anywhere. And there was no one to help me fight against it. To be beside me and tell me that everything was gonna be okay.

I thought about how you would have reacted if I yelled. Telling you that I'm already dying from inside. You would have kept wide eyes. The time would have stopped but I couldn't make you lose your time with my little problems. They were going to disappear soon.

Roger would have told me to stop being so dramatic. But, later, he would have understood that dramatic wasn't a big word. That there was more than just an act. 

I left and no one knew it. I was definitely invisible. Quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own. I could lie, say I like it like that. I tried to find a way to tell you. To let you know. You finally came. You kissed me and I did too. But I knew that for you, there was no spark. Maybe just emotion. Trying to comfort me. I let you leave an other time.

I broke this little mirror. I took a piece of it. I can't stop staring at it. I can't wait for all of this to end. I was ready. Took a piece of paper and wrote this. This was the only way for making the pain go away. As I write this letter, I will soon be gone and this is a good thing. The mirror wasn't the problem. That's how I used it. It was the man who was reflected in it.

Tell Roger and Brian the whole truth. Call it suicide. That's what it is. Just tell them John. Don't sugarcoat it. When people asks, tell them what happened. What happened to the singer that everyone thought was happy. The singer that had always a smile plastered on his face.

I will miss all of you. Your voices. Your faces. I hope you'll miss me.

Don't be mad at me John. Just know that I had to do it. It was the only way for me to escape from the pain that keeps growing inside of me.

Because, no one will ever love me John,

Freddie.

Brian kept reading this letter, tears running down his cheeks. Freddie was going through so much pain and he didn't saw any of it showing.

"How could we be this selfish?" Brian said quietly.

"We didn't saw anything coming." Roger said.

"Freddie Mercury's family of friends?" a doctor said.

The three friends walked to him.

"Your friend was very lucky. He lost a lot of blood. But, now he's stable." the doctor said.

They all sighed in relief.

Another year later

Everything was better. Freddie was almost not struggling with depression anymore. John finally told Freddie that he had feelings toward him. They ended up together.

Freddie was scared. He had to tell John. A new baby was going to grow in his body.

"John?" Freddie asked.

"Yes love?" John answered.

He saw the tears in Freddie's eyes and wiped them away quickly.

"What is going on?" he asked.

"I-I'm pregnant again." Freddie said.

"This will be okay." John said taking Freddie in his arms.

"I'm scared." Freddie whispered.

"I will be there this time. Everything will be fine."


	5. Wish It’s A Dream (Deacury)

Freddie's POV:

Paul and I were at a bar. He asked me to go out for a drink and I gladly accepted. I didn't told him but I think I began to fall for him. I hoped it was mutual. 

We were friends since a long time ago but I never had the chance or the courage to tell him. I'm afraid to lose him.

"Are you okay Fred?" he asked.

"Yeah..." I answered.

I had to tell him now. It was the good time. I took a deep breathe.

"Paul..." I said.

"Yes?" he asked.

"I need to tell you something that I kept for myself since a long time ago... I... I think I begin to fall for you Paul." I said.

I waited for an answer.

"Well, you better find someone else Freddie. I'm not gay." he said.

I felt my heart being crushed. I totally embarrassed myself. I got up quickly.

"I'm sorry, I have to go. Roger told me that he needed me and I'm almost late." I said before walking out.

It was raining outside. I didn't bother to run. I didn't care if I was sick. I walked home. I was freezing. I didn't had any jacket and my leather pants had no pockets.

When I arrived at home, everyone was asleep. I wished John was awake. I was always going to him to talk when something was bothering me. Unfortunately, I hadn't came out yet. No one knew I was gay.

I felt trapped. Trapped in the body of someone I wasn't. But, I was afraid of their reactions. What if they didn't want me for who I am?

Tears started to fill my eyes. What if I nobody wanted me for who I am? I laid on my bed. I felt broken. I waited so long for Paul. I stayed all these years, looking at him, thinking of a way to tell him. He wasn't even gay.

I let the tears escape my eyes. Why can't I find somebody to love? 

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Ooh, each morning I get up I die a little  
Can barely stand on my feet

Take a look in the mirror and cry  
Lord, what you're doing to me  
I have spent all my years in believing you  
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!

I work hard every day of my life  
I work 'til I ache in my bones

At the end of the day  
I take home my hard earned pay all on my own  
I get down on my knees  
And I start to pray  
'Til the tears run down from my eyes

Everyday I try and I try and I try  
But everybody wants to put me down

They say I'm going crazy  
They say I got a lot of water in my brain  
Ah, got no common sense  
I got nobody left to believe in

Got no feel, I got no rhythm  
I just keep losing my beat 

I'm OK, I'm alright  
I ain't gonna face no defeat   
I just gotta get out of this prison cell  
One day I'm gonna be free, Lord!

I finally understood the meaning of my words. I always felt like that but I never realised it. I closed my eyes.

I was there, in front of the guys. I was ready to tell them the truth.

"What is going on Fred?" Roger asked.

"I have to tell you something..." I answered.

"Sure." John said.

"I... I'm gay." I said afraid of their reaction.

Nobody talked. They just looked at me. I could see disgust in their face. 

"You can't live here anymore Freddie." Brian said.

I felt like I was being stabbed at the heart. I thought that they would be okay with it. Roger left the room. I looked at John.

"Deaky?" I said in a little voice.

"Leave Freddie." he said.

I thought that John would have been the one that understood. That reassured me. That told me that everything was going to be okay.

I got up and walked to my room. I took a bag and threw as many things as possible in it. I was near a break down. I couldn't cry right now.

I walked down the stairs. I looked a last time at John. I opened my mouth to say something but no sounds no sounds escaped. I turned around and stormed out of the apartment. I had only one place to go. My parent's house.

I knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal my mother.

"What are you doing here at this hour Freddie?" she exclaimed.

"The guys kicked me out." I said. 

I could feel the tears filling my eyes.

"Come in. You can tell us what happened inside." she said.

I didn't want to tell them. I knew what was gonna happen when I told them. When I imagined telling them about me being gay, I wanted to be with the one I love. But, there was no one that could be with me at that moment.

I sat on the couch.

"Do you want some tea Freddie?" she asked.

"No, thanks." I answered.

I felt my hands sweating. She came back with two cups of tea. One for my father and one for herself. They started to drink. I felt their stare on me even if I wasn't looking at them.

"You can tell us anything." my mother said.

"They kicked me out because... I told them that... I'm... I'm gay." I said.

I couldn't look at them. I heard glass breaking. I looked up. There was my father, looking at me angrily.

"Get out." he said sternly.

I knew it was gonna happen. I couldn't move. I was completely frozen.

"Get out!" he yelled.

I looked at my mother. She didn't look at me. I felt betrayed. She said nothing. I stood up quickly. I walked to the door. All I heard was the last words of my father.

"What a failure." he said.

I closed the door behind me. I cried and I cried and I cried. I lost everything that meant something to me. 

I walked in the middle of the street. What would my parents think if they found me dead in the middle of the street? They wouldn't care. Nobody would. 

I looked at the light of the car that was approaching quickly. I had this feeling. I wanted everything to end now. The car wouldn't have the time to stop. I stayed there. I waited.

I was hit. I felt absolutely nothing. I heard my name being called. I couldn't move. I couldn't say anything. It was over.

I opened my eyes. I saw my bedroom. I was covered in sweat and I could feel the tears rolling down my face. All of this was a nightmare. I left my bed and stood up. What if it was gonna happen in real life?

I took a pillow and I screamed as loud as I could in it. I felt anger. At myself. I threw my pillow at somethings that broke into pieces. I threw everything i could at the floor. My door opened revealing Brian.

"Freddie! Stop breaking everything! If you continue we'll have to kick you out. We can't afford to pay new things every weeks." he said.

"You have to clean quickly. Roger already left for work. You'll have to walk." he continued.

I nodded and started to calm myself. I was always screwing up everything. I cleaned everything as fast as I could but it took me a long time. When I finished, I dressed myself and I left the apartment without eating. 

I walked to the clothes store where Roger and I work. When I opened the door I saw Roger giving me a 'what took you so long?' look. Our boss walked to me.

"Freddie, you can't keep arriving late! This is too much!" he said angrily. 

I just walked to my usual spot behind the cash register.

A few hours later

I was scanning the clothes of a client when I saw Paul in the street. He was holding the hand of someone. A men. They started kissing. 

My eyes filled with tears. He was gay. I was just the problem. He didn't wanted me. He would have told me if the only problem was that he was in a relationship wouldn't he? He probably lied because he didn't want me.

"I don't have all day!" the woman that I was serving yelled.

"Oh... Sorry..." I said.

"Don't bother." she said before she walked out.

Roger gave me a questioning looked and I ignored him an other time. The store was closing and I was about to quit with Roger but our boss came to me.

"Freddie, can I talk to you for a minute please?" he asked.

"S-sure." I said.

"We had bad reviews, about you. Its ruining our reputation Freddie. It can't continue like that. I'm sorry but I have to kick you out." he said.

"B-but, I need this job!" I said panicking.

"I have no other choice Freddie, it's too late." he said calmly.

I ran my hand through my hair nervously. I couldn't lose this job. I need it to pay my rent, my clothes, my food, everything! 

I left without giving a second look at him. I walked outside to join Roger but he was already gone. I walked. It was freezing and I had no jacket on me. I was a bit lightheaded because I hadn't eat at all today. 

I wished it was all a dream. That everything will be back at the normal. But, it wasn't. I needed an escape from reality. 

It was cold and I could feel my members go numb. And just like that, it started snowing. I was completly freezed so I went to a public telephone and I called Brian.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello Brian, could you please come and take me home please? It's absolutely freezing outside and I have litteraly nothing hot on me." I said.

"Roger isn't with you?" he asked.

"N-no. He left because the boss had to talk to me." I answered.

"Oh... Okay." he said

I gave him the address of where I was and he hung up. After a few minutes, I saw his car parking on the street. I walked to him and sat in the car.

"So... What did the boss wanted to tell you?" he asked.

Of course he was gonna ask.

"I... I got fired." I said avoiding his eyes.

I had no idea what I was gonna do. I needed money and I was already tight. I could barely pay the rent for the apartment. I was internally panicking.

"You'll figure something out Fred. This is gonna okay." he said.

"But this is not gonna be okay! I barely have enough money to live! How am I gonna do this?" I said.

"We're gonna help you. You're not alone. We are always gonna be here for you." he said trying to reassure me.

"You say that now..." I whispered.

We arrived to the apartment and Brian parked his car. I got out and slammed the door. I walked in the house.

"I got fired if my fucking job!" I yelled through the house.

"What happened?" John asked.

"I gave them a bad reputation." I said.

"We're gonna figure something out Freddie." he said.

They wouldn't after I would tell them about my sexuality. They are not gonna want to do anything for me. I felt the need to tell them. I was tired of feeling trapped. 

"I need to tell you something guys." I said.

"What is it?" John asked.

"I'm gay." I said.

I waited for an answer. Nothing. 

"I-I understand if you don't want me to live here anymore." I said standing up quickly.

"Oh god... I'm such an embarrassment." I whispered.

I ran to my room. I slammed the door behind me. I threw things in my bag. It was happening all over again. Just like in my dream. 

As I took things to put in my bag I saw a picture. One of Paul and me. The difference from my dream was that I couldn't keep myself from crying. The tears escaped my eyes quickly. It hurted so much.

I threw the frame at the wall. I watched at the glass on the floor. It was broken in a million of pieces just like my heart was. I took everything that I could break and threw it. I felt a piece of glass cut my cheek. I didn't even cared. I couldn't stop myself. 

I thought it would make me feel better. I was wrong, it was worse.

John's POV:

None of us moved. We were too shocked. The last sentence broke my heart. He thought that he was an embarrassment.

I heard glass shattering and sobs. Then it hit me, Freddie needed us.

I stood up and walked to his bedroom. I opened the door and saw Freddie throwing things at the wall. I walked to him and before he could threw something else, I took his wrist and turned him so he was facing me. 

His eyes were red and puffy and he had a cut on his left cheek. I cupped his face and gently wiped of the blood that was on his wound. He let out sobs. I took him in my arms to try to comfort him. I laid our body on his bed. I saw the picture of Paul and him in the pieces of glass.

"What happened with Paul, Fred?" I asked sweetly.

"W-we went out yesterday. I-I told him t-that I liked him and he s-said that he wasn't b-day. But, today, I saw him k-kissing a man in the streets." he said sobbing.

Paul, this bastard. I absolutely wanted to kill him right now.

"Don't leave Freddie. We don't want you to leave. We were just shocked. What made you think that we didn't want you because you are gay?" I said.

"I had this d-dream. I told you. Brian told me to leave and you all agreed with him. I went to my parent's house and I told them too and my father kicked me out. I stood there, in the middle of the street. I wondered if anyone would care about me disappearing. I waited for a car to hit me. One did. I heard my name being called but I couldn't do anything. I thought that it would happen like in my dream." he said.

"We love you for who you are Freddie. Don't ever forget that." I said.

We looked in each others eyes and I kissed him. After a moment, we pulled away.

"You don't know how long I waited for that to happen." I said smiling.


	6. Help Me (Deacury)

3rd person POV:

"What are you still doing here?! Nobody wants you! Not even God wants you on this planet! Return from where you came from, or just leave forever Bucky!" they yelled.

He was being thrown at the floor. Punched and yelled at. That never stopped. Everyday it was the same pattern. He had no one. He thought that no one could ever love him.

He always came home with a smile on his face. He told his parents that the black eye or the bruises on his face was because he fell. He only showed happiness. He never showed the dark side. The side of him that was tired of life.

He went to bed, layed on his bed and that's when it all came out. The tears flowed down his face. He tried to stop his sobs. He didn't want his parents to know. They had no idea of anything. 

He would wake up in the morning, look at the mirror and cry. He hated every part of himself. He took clothes carefully, chose the shirts with long sleeves. He tried to hide the scars on his wrists. 

He would walk down the stairs, hearing the 'are you ok?' from his mother and answering always the same thing, a 'i'm fine' that meant nothing. He started to eat thinking about the moment in the day when he would make all this food go out of his body.

He walked to the school, feeling the knot in his stomach. He entered in it and immediately saw the gang that made his life a nightmare. They started to punch him and yell at him.

"Did you not understand?! We don't want to see you anymore! Go kill yourself! Nobody cares!" they said.

There would be circle of people around him. All laughing as he was being treated like a monster. Nobody went to hold his hand. To take him in his arms. He waited that they were tired of him so he could sneak in the toilet. He took his blade and slide it on his forearm. It made a slight cut and blood started to drip down his wrist. He would wipe it of before he made himself vomit. When he finished it all, he would go to class.

His grades were deteriorating. The teachers kept telling him that he should do efforts. But, he had no strength anymore. He felt weak. In his classes, thought kept rushing in his mind. He received papers. Papers full of hate. They were all with messages like 'die' or 'you are disgusting'. He thought that at one point, it would stop hurting but, it didn't.

He would come back home after being pushed a last time against the lockers. This day, there was no one at home. He walked to his bedroom. Looked at himself in the mirror and yelled:

"Why can't I be enough for this fucking world?!"

He didn't understand why it was happening to him. He just knew that the mistake he made was to live. He would do self-harm again. It was being normal for him. He was enjoying the pain that it was giving him. 

He tried not to burst. He couldn't stop himself. He was tired of everything. He always had the same wish. Finding somebody who could love him for who he was. He knew that no one would ever but there was still a bit of hope. He went downstairs. His parents were there.

"You hurted yourself another time? Can't you stop and be more careful?" his mother asked annoyed as she saw the bruises.

He nodded and looked away. He made his way back to his bedroom. When his parents asked him to come to eat, he said that he already ate. 

He went to bed. He felt sick. He closed his eyes but he couldn't find his sleep. He was starting to think about more and more everyday. Killing himself. A perfect escape, he thought. 

The next morning he went to school. This was the same. He didn't understand why it all began. He didn't remember the first time it happened. It was way too long ago. 

When everyone left, he got up, ready to go to the toilet when hw pushed someone because hw wasn't looking. He waited for the punches or the insults but, nothing came. 

"Oh, I'm sorry." the boy said.

"Its okay." he answered without looking at him.

He tried to walk past the guy but, her took his wrist, which made him whimper.

"Could you help me? I am new. I don't know where are my classes. My name is John" the person said.

"You don't want my help. Y-you should go see someone else J-" he started to say but one of the bullies interrupted him.

"You shouldn't talk to that fag, he's gonna make your life horrible." the bully said.

"You see? You should listen to him." He said looking at the floor. A few tears slid down his face.

"No I'm staying." John said.

"I'm gonna ruin your life." he said.

"If that's what you want..." John said.

John started to walk away. The bully threw his victim to the lockers. He punched him like usual. The victim wanted to tell himself 'Freddie, defend yourself' but, he did nothing. John turned his head to see Freddie on the floor while he received the punches of his enemy. He ran to them. He took the guy away and went to see Freddie. 

"You have me now." John said.

It was always better with John. But, he wasn't always there. They profited when John was away or just no there to be mean to Freddie. He was still self-harming and being at home was horrible. 

John was being nice to him. It was a good change. Freddie knew he was in love. He was infinitely grateful that John was there. He felt himself reliving again.

One day, Freddie's parents were gone and John came to his place. In the morning, they woke up and Freddie got up to cook breakfast. He was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. John followed him to the kitchen. He saw his forearm. He took it and looked at the scars. Freddie got scared.

"You're self-harming?!" John yelled.

Freddie stayed frozen.

"This is so fucking bad! You can't do that! I'm trying to help you but, you won't talk to me and you're self-harming even if I'm there for you! I can't believe you! I'm outta here!" John yelled.

He took all his things and left slamming the door without saying goodbye. Freddie started sobbing. He couldn't stop. He fell on his knees. He left for good. The only friend he ever had was gone. It was all because of him. He couldn't help but blame himself for everything.

The days went by. The bullying started again. It was now daily. John was always looking. He felt guilty as he saw how Freddie looked broken but, he couldn't forgive him. Freddie tried to talk to him. He went a few time to his house, sobbing but, he avoided him.

The bullies saw Freddie a few times, trying to talk to John. It made everything worse. They knew he was more vulnerable and they liked it.

Freddie was getting skinnier and skinnier as the weeks passed. He got no sleep. He was crying all the time. He started to have less places to cut himself. It wasn't stopping. It was worse since John left.

John kept looking at Freddie. He was feeling more horrible as he saw him. As he saw how much he looked terrible. He looked almost dead. John made new friends but, he knew that none of them was better than Freddie.

Freddie's parents were worried but they were too ocuppied to talk to him. They were rarely home. Freddie was alone everyday. The teachers didn't see anything that was happening. They only tried to tell Freddie to work harder and harder but, it was too much for him.

One day, John went to school, he opened his locker and saw a letter. It was written to John, from Freddie.  
He didn't open it but he knew that he would do it. He saw Freddie get beat up again. He didn't help him. He saw the tears escaping the boy's eyes but, he did nothing. 

They went to class. John kept on eye on Freddie. He received a paper like usual. They were messages of hate. He started then started coughing loudly. It was normal until he started to shake violently and vomited. There was only blood. He finally passed out.

The teacher ran to him, shocked. They called 911. They took him with them but, John knew that it was too late. The bullies didn't say anything.

They all went back home. John didn't sleep. He felt guilty and mostly worried. He wasn't there when Freddie needed him. He should have stayed to help him. He was living a nightmare. 

The next day, the teacher told the class that he needed to talk to them. It went silent. They knew that bit was bad news.

"Freddie, he overdosed on pills. He killed himself." he said.

John was the first one to break. His sobs echoed through the class. He bursted outside of the classroom. He went to the toilet. He looked at himself in the mirror and cried. He lost him. He could have changed the story but, he was being selfish. He let Freddie suffer as he just looked. 

There was pain. All over his body. He wanted to puke. The teacher sent someone to take care of John. He took one the persons who did this to Freddie. The bully felt guilt. He never thought that Freddie would really do it. He was only joking but, it was way more than a joke.

John saw the guy joining him.

"Get out! You see what you've done?! Are you happy now?!" he yelled.

"I didn't know that he was gonna do it!" he answered tearing up.

"Well, what do you think was gonna happen?! You were beating him up everyday and you were insulting him daily! How did you think he would react?!" John yelled again.

"I'm sorry..." he whimpered.

"It's too late. He's gone. You're not gonna see him ever again." John whispered while the tears started to slide down his face more.

The guy left. John started sobbing again. He took the letter from his pocket and opened it. He understood what it was about as soon as he read the first words.

Dear John,

I've had enough of everything. I couldn't live like that anymore. 

I don't know when it started but I know that bit was a long time ago. I didn't say anything to anyone, until I met you. When I met you, I had faith. Faith that I found someone that could be there for me. That could help me. I was happy with you. I felt safe. The self-harm was less often. I started to be better.

Then, it all fucked up again. You found the scars. You got angry. You left and I cried. More than I ever did. I hated myself for making you leave. I was bothering you with my problems. 

Everyday, they went to hurt me even more. You don't even know how many times I asked myself why it was happening to me. I saw you watch. Honestly, it was the worse. You didn't even looked like it bothered you. 

I'm sure you noticed but, the sleep was nonexistent and I didn't eat at all without vomiting after. I didn't even feel like I was really living. Was it really a life?

My body ached non-stop. The bullies wouldn't stop. They threw me punch every time I saw them. My parents were too concentrated on their work that they didn't see anything happen. 

At the end, there was no space anymore where I could cut myself. And that's when I knew that it was the time. It was the good time for everything to end.

This morning, I took the pills. I know I'm gonna die today. I know were gonna be in class. I know you're gonna be there. I don't know if it's by revenge but, I want you to see me die in front of you.

At this moment, my only wish is to die. I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you. I'm sorry I was being selfish. I'm sorry I was weak. I'm sorry you're gonna see me die. I'm sorry I was born,

Freddie.

John took the letter and hugged it. His heart was destroyed. He was the cause of Freddie's death. He needed help and he basically left because Freddie was hurting. He was hurting alone.

"I'm sorry!" he yelled sobbing.


	7. Help Me (Part 2) (Deacury)

3rd person POV:

John got off of his bed. The tears flowed down his face. He hated himself for doing nothing for Freddie. He had the picture of Freddie coughing blood and passing out in his head. 

He got off of his bed and went directly to school after preparing himself. When he arrived, he walked quickly to his locker. He took the letter from Freddie and decided to not make the same mistake as in his dream. He opened it.

Dear John, 

I'm sorry I'm not pretty  
I'm sorry I'm not smart  
I'm sorry I'm failing  
I'm sorry I'm to blame  
I'm sorry I'm worthless  
I'm sorry I'm useless  
I'm sorry I'm a mess  
I'm sorry I can't be proud  
I'm sorry I'm a person  
I'm sorry I was born  
I'm sorry you had to deal with me

John could feel the tears starting to form in his eyes. He couldn't handle to know that Freddie hated himself that much. He went to class. He sat at his seat. He looked at Freddie's seat. It was empty. A lump started to form in his throat. He was more than worried about him.

As the class began, everyone took his seat. The teacher started to talk.

"Don't worry, Freddie is gonna be okay. He overdosed on pills while trying to kill himself." he said.

There was no sounds in the classroom. John was relieved that Freddie was okay but, he knew that it would be happening all over again as soon as he would come back to school. 

A few days later

Freddie was back at school. John was right. It didn't stop. It was worse than ever. John went to his locker. He took his things and closed the locker. He heard his name being called.

"John!" Freddie said.

John turned his head to look at Freddie. He had a small smile on his lips. It has been so long since he saw him smile. His black eye was fading a bit. 

Before he could answer him, one of John's friend came to him and took him to class. John took a last look at Freddie. He had the head low and tears were running down his cheeks. He walked away.

They had sports at this period of the day so they went to the gymnasium. All the guys started to change their clothes in the changing room. At one moment, one of the guy went to Freddie's cabin. He dragged him out by the arm. Freddie covered his chest with his t-shirt. 

John didn't want to watch that. He knew it would end in a bad way. The guy took Freddie's t-shirt from his hand. Scars and bruises. Everywhere. It made John sick. He couldn't believe what Freddie was doing to himself. 

"Everyone! Look at that Bucky!" The guy yelled.

Freddie's eyes were watery. He tried to go away but an other boy stood in front of him. John didn't want to watch.

"Where do you think you're going?" The boy asked.

They all made a circle with Freddie in the middle. He tried to escape but they wouldn't let him go. They started to beat him up, like usual. John stayed on the side. He didn't want to let Freddie like that but he couldn't do anything.

The next class, John looked at the seat beside him. It was empty. Freddie was nowhere to be found. It worried him even more. He couldn't stop thinking about the letter he got. What did Freddie wanted to tell him with this letter?

Freddie didn't came at all to the class. When the class ended, John started to search for him. He finally tried to look in the toilet. He immediately heard his sobs. 

"Freddie, come out." John said.

The sobs stopped. 

"Come see me." John said.

The door started to open but Freddie wasn't planning on talking to John. He walked out of the cabin and tried to walk past him. Before he could go, John took him by the arm.

"Are you happy now?!" Freddie yelled.

John didn't say anything.

"Are you happy to now that I can't stop cutting myself? That I'm too tired of life? That I have no one that cares about me? That I have to live like that? But, I can't keep trying. It hurts. Everyday, it hurts. My parents don't even care about me anymore. There's no need for me to be here anymore. I hoped that cutting myself was gonna make me feel like I'm in control of something but, I have no control over it now. You know when you have moments that you feel like nobody cares about how you feel? It has been years like that. I kept telling myself that it was coming, that I would find somebody. I thought I did when I met you. But, I fucked up. I thought you cared about me at least a bit. You don't and I can't blame you for that. There isn't much to love. Maybe I should stop. Maybe the problem is me. Would a room be too empty without me? Would a room be too quiet without me talking or crying? I don't think so. I had never wished something so hard. Right now, the only thing I want is to die." He said.

The more he talked, the more his voice broke. Freddie left the toilet. John couldn't move. Years? It has been going on like this for years? It was way more than he ever thought. 

The last class, Freddie didn't come as well. John told the teacher that he was feeling sick. He let him go home. John was obviously not going home. He started to walk to Freddie's house. 

He knocked on the door. There was no answer. He went to the side of the house. He looked to through the window. Freddie was there. He was sitting on the floor. He had a knife in his hand. It was ready to enter in his chest. 

"Freddie!" John yelled.

There was no reaction. The knife got further. Freddie was starting to dig it in his chest. John knew that he wasn't gonna be able to break this door. He took a rock. He had no time to think. He broke the window with it. 

Freddie didn't move more. He just kept digging the knife as he had his eyes closed. The more deep it was, the more Freddie's sobs were loud. John slid in the house, not caring about hurting himself. He ran to Freddie and took away the knife. The blood was coming out way too much. He put pressure on the wound. John quickly removed his shirt. He tied it on Freddie. 

"Let me die." Was the only whisper that John heard.

"Don't move." John said to Freddie before he ran to the telephone. 

He made his call. When he got back to Freddie, he had his eyes closed. John took his hand in his. He put his other hand in Freddie's hair while tears ran out of his eyes.

"Don't die on me Freddie." He said.

A few hours later

Freddie was gonna be okay. The knife didn't touch his heart. John was there in time. He still felt very guilty about everything. He knew he had been selfish. He tried to ignore Freddie because he was struggling. Freddie was still not awake. John sat beside him. He took Freddie's hand and let everything out. 

"I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry Freddie." he said through his sobs.

One week later

Freddie was back at home. John promised Freddie that he would never leave him again. There was something that John didn't understand. Why did Freddie's parents were never home? He couldn't ask. The boys were both at Freddie's house. Freddie was sleeping while John just kept an eye on him. That's when he started to move to get comfortable that he felt like he was sitting on something hard.

John passed his hand under the mattress. He took something that felt like a book. It was a notebook. But, this one was special. It was a journal. John got through the first page.

April 29th, 1963

'The day after I left Freddie's house after I found out that he was self-harming' John thought.

I'm not gonna be formal and write 'dear journal'. I'm gonna go straight to the point. In one month, I will be dead. I knew something like that was gonna happen. When John left, I knew it wasn't gonna be easy but, before that, I didn't know what it was to live a hard life. It was worse than when Tim left. It can't go on like that. I'm tired. Of every single thing. 

In one month, I'm gonna kill myself. Unless a miracle happens and John talks to me finally. But these days, dreams are dreams. I just want the pain to stop. This is all for today.

John couldn't believe anything he saw. Freddie was waiting for him to come back. He skipped a few days.

May 3rd, 1963

They won't stop. They keep doing the same thing everyday. They wait for me at my locker. They throw my thing everywhere and they hit me. Its like that everyday. My parents saw the bruises. They think I'm too clumsy. They work so much that they can't tell that their son is being beat up.

I saw John looking at what they were doing to me. He didn't care anymore. He walked past us and didn't look back. He wasn't there to tell them to let me go. He wasn't there to ask me if I was fine. There's nothing more to say.

May 11th, 1963

In years, it was never that worse. I didn't understand how no one saw it happening. They stole me my money. And the last few days, they stole my lunch. There wasn't really any difference. Everything that I ate, I made it leave my body. We can now see my ribs. 

John made new friends. They were together all the time. I felt my heart shatter. It wasn't long until he found somebody else. They were probably better than me. He looked happy. That's the only thing that I remembered. I remembered his smile when the guy said something. I saw how much they like to hang out.

May 19th, 1963 

Ten days. Ten days until it ends. I just wanna die. One of them followed me to my house. They now know where I live.

May 27th, 1963

Why can't I be enough for this fucking world?

May 28th, 1963

Let me die.

May 29th, 1963

I just wanna die.

June 29th was the day that Freddie tried the first time to kill himself.

John continued to turn the pages.

June 2nd, 1963

This time I'll leave for real. They took me to the hospital and I was fine. I woke up in the hospital room. There was no one. My parents took me back home. I haven't said a word to them.

When I got back to school, everyone knew. They said I was going crazy. Everyday, I hoped I was dreaming. But I wasn't. 

June 5th, 1963

I tried to talk to John today. He ignored me and walked away with his new friend. He didn't know that it was his last chance to save me. His last chance to talk to me. We had sports after that. In the locker room, one of them took me out of my cabin. I tried to hide my body with the shirt in my hand but, the guy threw it away.

I tried to ignore the laugh. The guy said: "Everyone! Look at that Bucky!" I tried to ignore it but, the words were hitting hard no matter what. John was there. I knew that he was disgusted by me. My scars and my bruises were exposed to everyone. They knew that these scars weren't accidents. I tried to go away but, one of them kept me there. They started hitting me again. John left like nothing happened.

I went to the toilet for the next period. I couldn't keep my sobs. I was tired of living like that. I was tired of living in general. John called my name. I tried to ignore him but he took my arm and that's when I bursted. I had enough. I told him everything. The only thing that he doesn't know is that it was the last he would ever see me.

John felt only terrible. He tried not to cry because Freddie was sleeping beside him. He heard him stirring. He quickly hid the journal where he found it. 

"Good morning." he said to Freddie.

"Good morning." Freddie responded with an adorable morning voice.

"How did you sleep?" John asked.

"It was fine. Are you okay?" he said.

"C-could i ask you a question?" John asked.

"Sure."

"Was it because of me? T-that you tried to kill yourself?" he asked.

"Of course not." Freddie said.

"Don't lie to me please." John answered.

"I'm not lyi-" 

"I read your journal." John cut Freddie.

"You read my journal? You had no right to! It's personal!" Freddie said starting to panic.

"I was sleeping on it!" John said.

"I don't care! Give it to me!" 

John gave the notebook to Freddie. He could see that Freddie was starting to tear up. 

"You didn't answer my question." John said.

"I don't wanna talk about it." Freddie answered.

"Okay then." 

John stood up and left the room. Freddie felt the tears on his cheeks. He got up while trying to not hurt his shoulder. He tried to join John but he was already too far behind. He tried to talk to him.

"You promised me, John! You said that you weren't gonna leave me alone again! You said that you would always be there for me! Don't leave me! If you leave, they're gonna come back to me! They're gonna hit me! This time I won't be able to survive! Each time you leave it's worse! I can't lose someone else! If you leave, I'm gonna try to kill myself until I'm really dead. You don't know how it feels to be alone. You don't know how much its hard to not understand why you can't be enough, why everyone hates you. Why do you keep leaving? Do you find it funny to see me broken? Do you love to see me cry? Do you like to know that I'm tired of living and that I'm always waiting for a good moment for me to die? Do you like to know that I only feel like a burden? Why can't I be enough for you?" He said as he cried.

Freddie felt a little pain at his shoulder. He looked at it and saw blood coming out of his wound.

"John! I'm bleeding!" Freddie yelled.

These words were enough for John to look back at Freddie and walk back to him.

"We're gonna go back to yours and I'm gonna take care of it, okay?" John said sweetly.

Freddie nodded. They went back to Freddie's house and John took a first aid kit. They sat on the couch and John asked Freddie to remove his t-shirt. He did. John started to disinfect the wound with alcohol.

"John! It hurts!" Freddie whimpered.

"I know it does. But, it's gonna be over soon." John said.

Freddie nodded before he lowered his head. When John finished to disinfect, he put a bandage.

"Are you okay?" John asked.

"Yeah..." He answered.

"You're not. What is it?" John said.

"What you said, that's what I was thinking everyday." Freddie said.

"What do you mean?"

"It hurts but, it's gonna be over soon." Freddie said.

He didn't even dared to look at John. He felt arms enveloping him. Freddie wished it never ended. He felt safe in John's arms. He was making him happy but, the was always this part of him that still thought about a way to end everything. John released his grip on Freddie when he felt tears running down his back. John cupped Freddie's face and wiped his eyes. 

Their faces were only an inch away. Freddie leaned in for a kiss. He was in love with John and he had no doubt of it.

"I'm so sor-" Freddie started to say as he pulled away.

"Shut up." John said interrupting him. 

John kissed Freddie an other time. He found him beautiful. John started to rub his hand on Freddie's chest. He then started to place small kisses on every scars. For the first time, Freddie felt good. He felt loved. 

"Do you want to be my boyfriend?"" John asked.

Freddie nodded as tears flowed down his face.

"Why are you crying?" John said.

"You don't know how long I had been waiting for this to happen, John."

"T-there's something I wanted to ask you. Y-you said that you couldn't lose someone else. What did you mean?" John asked.

"A few years ago, I met a guy. His name was Tim. We became friends and he protected me from the persons at school. We ended in a relationship. When it was the vacation, he started to become more distant. At the first day of school, he wasn't there. Someone told me that he moved to America. He didn't told me anything." Freddie explained as he cried.

"It's not gonna happen again." John said as he hugged Freddie. 

A few weeks later

John and Freddie were still together. The bullying was fading when John was there. What he didn't know was that they wouldn't stop when he was away. Freddie couldn't bring himself to tell him.

They were at school. John told Freddie that he needed to go to the toilet before they could go to his house. Freddie decided to wait for him in front of it. One of the guys went to him. He threw him to the lockers, holding his shoulders. Freddie knew what was gonna happen.

"Did you really think that it was ending because that John is with you now? You were really naive. It's not gonna be long until John sees the real you and leaves you. He doesn't love anyway. Nobody loves you. You'll always be alone. John will leave you exactly like Tim did. He left because he was tired of you. You're a failure and you'll never be more." he said.

"Your life is gonna be a nightmare, Farrokh."

He walked away. Freddie slid down the lockers. He hugged his legs and let the tears run down his cheeks freely. At that moment, John came out of the bathroom. As soon as he saw Freddie, he got on his knees in front of him. He looked in the hallway. He immediately understood.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.

Freddie avoided his look. He didn't want to tell him.

"Why?!" He snapped.

Freddie's eyes widened. He didn't wanted to talk about it. He was just tired of having to explain everything and to have to think about it. He started to get up to leave. John took his arm.

"Stop. I'm-I'm sorry. I just wanted to know why." he said.

" I didn't tell you because, I was afraid that... That... I was afraid that you would leave me." Freddie said as tears streaked down his face.

"But you can't understand." he finished before he left.

Freddie made walked to his house. He wanted to cry, he probably made John leave. The walk was slow. After a moment, he fell because someone pushed him.

"So, you're not with John? Normally, it doesn't take long for them to leave you. They get tired of you pretty soon. Did you think that this time it would be different? It isn't. They always leave at the end." The guy said.

"Are you done? Aren't you getting tired of doing this? Don't you have a real life? You talk about me being alone but, I don't see anyone beside you now!" Freddie yelled as he got up.

"Wow! In years, it's the first time you actually stand up for yourself! If you think you're gonna make me upset because there's no one beside me, you're wrong. They are not here because, they let me do the job. You're never gonna defend yourself again, you piece of shit." he said.

He pushed Freddie again and started to kick him. It made Freddie scream in pain.

"The best about it is to watch you suffer." The guy said when he hurted Freddie more.

"Hey! What are you doing?!" A guy yelled.

The man grabbed the bully by the arm and pushed him away from Freddie. He started to yell at him, telling him to leave quickly before he was calling the police. The boy ran away. The stranger walked to Freddie and helped him to get up.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

Freddie shook his head.

"How long has it been going on?" he asked.

"Years."

"I'm sorry. Maybe we should look if you have bruises. Can you just lift your t-shirt a bit for me?" he said.

Freddie shook his head again. 

"Okay. Do you want to just hug me? Maybe it would make you feel better." The sweet guy said.

This time Freddie nodded with a small smile. The tears kept leaving his eyes. The stranger took him in his arms gently. It's at this moment that John arrived. He stood in front of the man and his boyfriend, confused.

"What is going on?" he asked.

They pulled away and the man started to talk.

"A boy started to hurt him and I made him go away." 

"I'm gonna take care of my boyfriend now. Thank you..." John said.

"Brian" the stranger said sweetly.

"Thank you Brian." John smiled.

John and Freddie walked away together hand in hand. 

"So, why were you hugging Brian?" John asked.

"He asked me if I wanted to because it would make me feel better and I accepted." Freddie said.

"Oh... And why aren't you doing it with me?" John asked.

"Because you weren't there." Freddie said.

Anyone could tell that there was tension between the two. When they arrived to Freddie's house, Freddie excused himself to go to the bathroom. After a few minutes, John thought that it was already a long time ago that Freddie left. He went to the bathroom and he opened the door. He found Freddie sitting on the floor, crying. He was hurting himself again.

"You promised me that you stopped." John said.

"I can't stop. I'm not able to." Freddie said, not looking at his boyfriend.

John sat beside Freddie. He took his hand in his. 

"I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna be here for you." he said.

John took what he needed and he disinfected the cuts. He made soft kisses to his wrist. He took bandages and tied it on the wound. 

"I love you so much." John said.

"I love you too." Freddie said.

They started to kiss. It wasn't a wild kiss. It was just sweet and full of love kiss. John knew that, nothing would keep them away from each other. They were soul mates. They loved each other and no one could change that. 

They slowly walked to Freddie's bedroom. They both lied in bed. They kept looking at each other. John looked at Freddie doing the most adorable smile. 

"I'm happy now." Freddie said.

"I am too." John answered smiling more than he was before.

"God, I'm so in love with you." Freddie whispered, looking at every parts of John's face.

John cupped Freddie's face and kissed him tenderly. They both got under the bed sheets and John took Freddie in his arms. It wasn't long until the older boy fell asleep in his lover's arms. Soon, his other half did the same.


	8. He’ll Be Back (Deacury)

John's POV:

Months of worry. Waiting for a sign that he was okay. Waiting for a sign of life. But nothing and it was killing me. Nothing since that fight.

*Flashback*

"I didn't cheat on you John!" he yelled

"I saw you kissing her, Freddie!" John yelled.

"I pushed her away!" 

"No you didn't!" John yelled.

"I only love you John!" Freddie yelled.

That's at that moment that Freddie felt pain at his cheek. John had slapped him. John looked at him with wide eyes as he was looking shocked from his own behaviour. Tears started to fill Freddie's eyes.

"Why are you acting like this?" Freddie asked.

"Y-you can't sleep here tonight Freddie." John said without answering th question of his boyfriend.

"You can't kick me out!" Freddie yelled.

"I am the one paying the rent." John said.

"I can't believe you." Freddie said as he walked out on the stormy night.

*End of flashback*

He didn't come back home. I was so worried about since I knew he wasn't okay but I didn't want to think about the worse. I regretted our fight as soon as I knew that he wasn't coming back.

*Flashback*

John arrived to the studio the night after the fight. Roger and Brian were already sitting on the couch but, Freddie wasn't there. 

"Where's Freddie?" Roger asked.

"We had a fight last night and he l- Wait... He didn't come to yours yesterday?" John said.

"No... Was he supposed to?" Brian said.

"I told him that he couldn't sleep at home. He left and I thought that he was going to yours!" John said starting to panic.

"It's okay John! He'll probably be back soon!" Roger said.

A few hours later

"Fuck! Where is he?!" John yelled.

"Did you ask Mary if he was at hers?" Brian asked.

"No! I'm going now!" John said.

He drove quickly to Mary's house. He knocked on her door and as soon as the door opened, John entered in the house. He was going mad, searching everywhere with the women keeping asking him what was going on.

"Where is he?!" John yelled with tears in his eyes.

"Who?" Mary asked.

"Freddie! Did you see him?" John said.

"He's not here and he never was John." Mary answered.

That's when John broke. Tears creeped down his face. He was afraid, he had no idea if Freddie was fine.

"What is going on John?" Mary asked.

"Freddie and I had a fight last night. He left the house in the middle of the night and didn't come back. He wasn't at Roger and Brian's house! I have no idea where he is!" John said.

"You're gonna find him." She said taking John in her arms as he kept sobbing.

*End of flashback*

I didn't find him. I kept looking at the little note that he left with the record of Love of my life.

I'm sorry that you don't see how much I love you. I made this a long time ago, it was made for you. I recorded it and now you do whatever you want with it but, just know that I love you.

Freddie

There was nothing saying that he would be gone. John knew that Freddie wouldn't leave like that. He would have told Mary at least. He told Brian and Roger about the song and they recorded it.

*Flashback*

"It's finished. We've done it." Brian said.

"I wanna hear it!" Roger said.

Brian started to play the record. Everyone could hear Freddie's soft voice. John felt horrible. His sobs echoed through the room.

"Its all my fault." he kept saying.

"It's not your fault John." Brian said.

"If I didn't kick him out of the house he would be here with us! We have no idea if he's okay!" John yelled mostly angry at himself.

"He's okay John. I'm sure he's gonna be back soon." Roger said.

He had no idea if he would be back soon but he hoped that he would. He couldn't imagine Freddie being tortured or just alone. It made him sick. Freddie needed to know that he was loved, constantly. He was always scared that no one would love him.

*End of flashback*

Those picture that I saw, were enough for me to regret. Freddie being afraid, curled up on the floor with blood on his body. Those picture could have been taken months ago. I had no idea he if was actually alive.

I told myself everyday that it would be okay. But, as soon as I looked at the news, my mood changed. The police was trying to find him but they couldn't. There was no clue of where he was. From what they told me.

All I wanted to do right now was to say sorry to Freddie because, I was doing a really bad boyfriend job.

Freddie's POV:

An other day filled with pain. He's not here and it hurts more everyday. I was still waiting. I didn't know how much time it was since I saw John. I didn't care about the fight. I just needed him. The things he was doing physically to me were nothing compared to the things he was making hear. He recorded conversation of Roger, Brian and John. He made me listen to them.

"How are you today John?" Brian asked.

"I'm fine. I went out with Thomas yesterday. It was great." John said.

"I'm happy that you feel better." Roger said.

"W-we kissed." John suddenly said.

Those words. They hurted deep inside. As much as the first time I heard them. Maybe even more.

"Would you do it again?" Brian asked.

"I think I could." John said.

That's always the moment were the tears started to flow down my cheeks. He was already forgetting me. I was never necessary. I tried to keep hope but, there was not much left.

"It's time for our moment Freddie." I heard.

I didn't fight anymore. I let him do his things because, I knew that I had no chance. I thought that maybe it would start hurting at one point but you can never get over it.

Where was John to save me from him this time?

John's POV:

I woke up this morning. I looked at the other side of the bed. It was empty. That's when I realised that, Freddie was the one I loved. I didn't love Thomas. He was just there to comfort me at the beginning. 

I got up, made breakfast, prepared myself. I had to come to the studio. Brian and Roger wanted to try to continue recording a bit. I wanted to wait for Freddie but they were being stubborn.

I heard the phone ringing. I picked it up. It was the call I was waiting for. The call I waited months to receive.

"We found him, Mr. Deacon." the guy said.

I quickly went to the hospital where they put him. I drove as fast as I could. I probably could have been arrested a few times but I didn't care. I asked the receptionist for the number of his room. I ran to his room. I slowly opened the door. 

I saw him. I just wanted to cry.

"Freddie!" I said starting to get emotional.

He looked up at me and a big smile grew on his face. I quickly took him in my arms. I don't know how many 'I love you' I whispered. I pulled away and looked at him in the eyes.

"I'm sorry." I said.

"You don't have to be. I'm not blaming you." he said as I cupped his cheeks.

"But you should be! If I didn't kick you out of the house, it wouldn't have happ-" I said.

He cut me off with a kiss. Just a gentle kiss. I missed them so much. I missed him so much. Those lips, that face, that adorable face.

He pulled away after a moment. Tears were running down his face. I couldn't see if they were happy tears or sad tears. I wiped them off with my thumbs.

"Don't cry, my love." I said.

It seemed to make him cry more. Then he said something that I wasn't expecting at all.

"How's Thomas?" He said.

"T-thomas?" I managed to say.

"How is he?" Freddie asked again.

"How d-do you know him?" I asked.

"He made me hear them. Your conversations. I know what happened with him. D-do you love him?" He said starting to cry again.

"No! I don't love him! I just missed you a lot and I wanted to think of other things. I didn't know that it would happen." I said.

"Do you love me?" he asked.

"Of course I love you." I said.

He smiled a bit and he kissed me sweetly.

A few days later

Freddie's POV:

I was coming back home to John. He came to the hospital everyday. I was glad about it. I took a taxi to our house. I walked to the front door. I looked through the window to know if he was there. I wish I didn't. I saw him and a guy that I assumed was Thomas together. The guy started to kiss him. He didn't pulled away.

Another party is over  
And I'm left cold sober  
Baby left me for somebody new  
I don't wanna talk about it  
Want to forget about it  
Wanna be intoxicated with that special brew

I felt betrayed. He said that he didn't love him. He said that he loved me. I knocked on the window. They both turned to my way. John got up and went to open the door. He was about to say something but I didn't let him.

So come and get me  
Let me  
Get in that sinking feeling  
That says my heart is on an all time low, so  
Don't expect me  
To behave perfectly  
And wear that sunny smile

"I was coming home from the hospital, but I suppose this isn't home anymore. You said you loved me, but I guess it was an other one of your lies." I said.

My guess is I'm in for a cloudy and overcast  
Don't try and stop me  
'Cause I'm heading for that stormy weather soon  
I'm causing a mild sensation  
With this new occupation  
I'm permanently glued  
To this extraordinary mood, so now move over  
And let me take over  
With my melancholy blues

He didn't say anything. I walked to our room. I took my things as quickly as possible with John behind me. Before I walked out, I said one last thing.

"I thought you were happy with me. I'm sorry you weren't." I said.

I'm causing a mild sensation  
With this new occupation  
I'm in the news  
I'm just getting used to my new exposure  
Come into my enclosure  
And meet my melancholy blues

I walked to Mary's house. I knocked on the door and when she opened it she threw herself in my arms.

"I was so worried about you! I missed you so much!" She said.

"I missed you two." I said half-smiling.

"Can I stay at your house for a moment? I-I can't stay at home and I don't know where to go." I said.

"Sure! Enter!" She said.

We talked a bit. She mostly talked about her new boyfriend. I was jealous of how they were in a good relationship. I felt guilty for how much I missed as I was away. 

"You should have seen him. He came to my house. He was panicking. He kept searching everywhere in the house asking me where you were. He looked devastated." She said.

I wished it would have made me better but it didn't. It was worse. I didn't understand John. I was angry but mostly upset, sad. Mary looked at me with concern.

"Are you okay Fred?" She asked.

I shook my head as the tears ran down my face. She took me in her arms and we fell asleep like that.

The morning after

I went to the studio. Before I opened the door, I heard muffled yelling. I opened it and it all stopped. Very subtle.

"Hey, is everything all right?" I asked.

"Sure! We were waiting for you!" Roger said.

"How about we start with we are the champions?" Brian asked.

"Sure." I said.

I was feeling nauseous. They started with the instruments. It was my turn so I went to the microphone. I started to sing.

I've paid my dues  
Time after time  
I've done my sentence  
But committed no crime  
And bad mistakes   
I've made a few  
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face  
But I've come through

We are the champions, my friends  
And we'll keep on fighting 'til the end  
We are the champions  
We are the-

I stopped to run to the toilet. I threw up, my stomach was hurting a lot. I felt someone removing my hair from my face and rubbing my back.  
I stopped throwing up and I looked at him. I was still glad he was there.

"I'm sorry Freddie." He said.

I nodded and gave him a big hug. It was perfect like that, I felt safe.

"Do you know why you threw up?" He asked.

"Probably just the painkillers." I said.

"We're gonna go back home, ok? You need some rest." he said. 

I nodded. He went to tell the other guys that we were going home. I told him where I slept last night and he went to take back my things home.

When we got home, we went to the bed and we just laid there together all day. When it was time to sleep, I had one last thing to say.

"I love you John." I said.

"I love you too." He said.

He slid his hands in my shirt to touch my chest. I quickly shoved them off. He took it badly and laid on the bed with his back facing me.

"John..." I said.

I went to him and turned him so he was facing me. I started to kiss his neck a bit. He smiled and started to remove my shirt. I wasn't ready for this but, I didn't want him to be mad at me. It has been so long since we had made love. 

I removed his clothes has he did the same for me. He began to prepare himself. As he was about to penetrate into me, I began to panic.

"John, stop. I'm not ready." I said.

There was no reaction. Was it happening again? I tried to get him off of me. I screamed in pain as he entered into me. He started to give some delicate kisses in the neck. 

I didn't see John anymore. I didn't recognise him. I had Paul in front of me. I was afraid of him. I tried to escape his grip, but I couldn't.

"John, let go of me please." I said.

I found myself back in the cold and dark room. I kept asking myself the same question,'what did I really do to deserve this?'. The tears found their way to my eyes. I began to sob. I just wanted John to leave me alone.

It was like he realised what he was doing a soon as he heard my sobs. He stopped everything. I quickly got off of bed. I put my clothes on and I left the room as soon as possible. I didn't say anything.

John's POV:

Fuck. I just fucking abused the man I love. The one that had already a hard time dealing with Paul's memories. I'm so ducking dumb.

At the moment, I didn't realise. It was like I was in a dream. It has been so much time since we had sex. I really wanted it, but he didn't. Its like I came back to reality when I heard him sobbing. 

I hurted Freddie very badly.

3rd person's POV:

Freddie couldn't sleep. He made his way to the porch and sat on the chair. His whole body was shaking. He couldn't do anything beside crying. He couldn't even believe what was happening. He wanted all of this to be a nightmare, nothing more. But it wasn't. 

He sat there and waited for the morning to come. When the sun was out, he started to walk to the studio even if he was terribly tired. Surprisingly, Brain and Roger were already there.

"Hey Fred! How are you?" Roger asked.

"I-I could be better." he said.

"What is going on?" Brian asked.

"L-last night, something happened, a-and I can't stop thinking about it." He said crying.

"What happened yesterday? Was it John?" Roger asked.

"I don't wanna talk about it. Want to forget about it." Freddie said.

Roger and Brian both nodded understanding.

"Hey!" John as he arrived.

"Hey." Roger and Brian said at the same time.

"Hello Fred." John said more quietly.

"Hello John..." Freddie said.

John sat beside Freddie. The singer was already regretting his decision of choosing the couch over a single chair. John put his hand on Freddie's leg. The frontman quickly removed it under Brian and Roger's confused look. He looked really uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry. I can't do this." Freddie said.

He stood up and was about to leave when John took his wrist, holding it a bit too tight. Freddie tried to take it away.

"Yesterday and now you do that? What is going on with you?" Freddie said.

John let Freddie go. The singer let out a sob as he left the studio. 

Brian's POV:

I didn't understand. What happened last night? It seemed to upset Freddie a lot.

"What happened last night, John?" I asked.

"I can't tell you." He said.

"Why?" Roger asked.

"If I tell you, you'll hate me." John said.

"We can never hate you John." I said.

"You don't know what I did Brian. It's unforgivable." He whispered.

"You can tell us anything." Roger said.

"I hurted him. I hurted Freddie." John mumbled.

"What? Like you hit him?" I asked, afraid of his answer.

"I did worse. I was really horny a-and..." He began to say.

"No you didn't." Roger said.

We both understood what happened last night as soon as he told us that. 

"John... Why?" I asked.

"I don't know. It was like I didn't realise what I was d-doing. I really fucked up. He must hate me so much..." He said as he began to cry.

"I think he doesn't hate you. He's probably just scared. Scared that it would all be happening again." I said calmly.

"You should hate me right now. I'm the worst boyfriend ever." 

"Personally, I'm not really happy about it, but we can't hate you John. I know that you didn't want to hurt him. I know that you didn't mean it." Roger said.

"You're our best friend too." I said.

He nodded and smiled weakly. 

"I love you so much guys. I don't know what I would do without you." He said.

I went to hug him. Roger joined us for a group hug. We heard the phone ringing. I walked to it and answered the phone.

"Hello?" I said.

"I-I need you Brian." Freddie said shaky.

"Where are you?" I asked.

He told me that he was really close from a bar. He told me the name of the bar.

"I'll be there soon." I said.

"Be fast please." He said quietly.

I hung up and went back to the boys.

"What is going on?" John asked.

"Freddie called. He just said that he needed me. You should come too. I'm sure he's gonna ask for you too, John." I said.

He nodded worriedly. We ran to my car. I drove to the place he told me he was. Not far from the bar, there was police car everywhere. I saw Freddie sitting on the floor. He was covered in blood, from what I could see. I parked the car and I ran to him. He was shaking and jumped a bit when he saw that I was there. I took him in my arms. 

"Is J-John there?" He asked.

"He is. Do you want him?" I asked.

He nodded. I made a sign for John to come. Roger came too. John approached Freddie. As soon as Freddie saw him, he threw himself in his arms and began to sob.

"What happened?" Roger asked.

Freddie sobbed even harder. He began to shake in John's arms. 

"H-he was there." Freddie whispered.

"Who?" I asked.

"He was trying to kill me. T-Thomas was helping him. P-Paul, he had a knife. I tried to defend myself. But, I-I killed him." Freddie said sobbing.

*Flashback*

Freddie was sitting in the bar. He felt two strong hands gripping his shoulders.

"Did you miss me?" He heard.

He turned and saw Paul and an other man. Thomas? They took him outside. Freddie was nothing but scared of what was gonna happen to him.

"This time, you won't survive this." Paul said.

He took out a knife. Freddie stepped away. What he didn't know was that Thomas was behind him.

"There's no issue Freddie." He said.

Freddie tried to escape, but they were holding him there. He tried to push Thomas. The strong guy almost didn't move. They held him to a wall. Paul was holding his knife very high. Freddie tried to punch him. He dropped the knife and Freddie took it quickly. 

"Give me that back!" Paul yelled.

Paul tried to get the knife from Freddie by gripping his wrist. Without really thinking, Freddie planted the knife in Paul's chest. The injured man fell screaming. He knew had no chance of surviving. 

Freddie's eyes widened as he brought his hand to his face that was covered in blood. Thomas threw back Freddie at the wall, ready to hit him hard. The police arrived exactly at that moment. They took away Thomas and they took Paul to the hospital.

"Are you okay Mr.Mercury?" A police officer asked.

He didn't answer. He kept looking at the blood laying on the floor.

"I-I need my friends." he said.

*End of flashback*

3rd person's POV:

"W-what?" Roger said.

"I had no c-choice!" Freddie cried.

John just took him back in his arms. They went back at their apartment. John proposed to Freddie to take a bath. He went to take a towel, leaving Freddie in the bathroom.

The older man looked at himself in the mirror. He opened the sink and washed his face. His hands began to shake. The tears ran down his face. Roger entered in the bathroom to take his hairbrush and Freddie wiped his eyes quickly. Roger got out only to find John waiting in front of the door.

"How is he?" He whispered.

"He doesn't look fine." Roger said quietly.

John nodded and went in the bathroom. He looked at Freddie who was still crying. His heart broke seeing his love so broken.

"Don't cry my love." he said.

Freddie turned to look at John. 

"I killed him John. I killed Paul." He said.

"It was your life or his." John answered quietly.

The tears of the singer didn't stop coming out of his eyes. He still had the same images in his mind, Paul bleeding and falling to the ground. Paul dead. Freddie wasn't less afraid, it was worse. 

"I don't think I can go forward." Freddie said.

"You're going to eventually." John answered.

A few days later

Freddie wasn't expecting this. He didn't know he would ever find this kind of letter. It was a letter for John, from Thomas.

Dear John,

Thank you for visiting me. It means a lot. I hope you're gonna come back soon. I really love you,

Thomas.

It was just that, nothing more. But, it was enough for Freddie to feel horrible. He wasn't even able to forget a bit about the situation. It made all the memories come back. 

"You visited him?" Freddie asked John went he came back home.

"I went to talk to him." He said.

"I'm sorry." Freddie said.

"Why?" John asked.

"I-I took him away from you. He wouldn't have been arrested if I wouldn't be here." Freddie said quietly.

"I don't car was bout him Freddie. I'm happy he's locked up. I just wanted explanation. You're the one I love. The only thing that matters is that you're safe." John said.

"I love you."

"I love you too."


	9. Does It Hurts, Freddie? (Deacury)

3rd person's POV:

Brian walked on the living room where all the members of the band were there. He had a letter in his hand.

"There's a letter for Roger, John and me!" he said.

"From who is it?" John asked.

"A guy called Adam Lambert! He says that he wants to do a collab with us. He says that he's a singer too. He wants to meet us today. He left his number." Brian said.

"That could be cool!" Roger said.

"Sure! Call him back and tell him to come to our studio!" John said.

Freddie felt excluded. He was trying to not be jealous, but it was hard.

"I'm gonna do it now!" Brian said before he left the room.

A few minutes later

Brian came back in the room with a big smile plastered on his face.

"He said that he could meet us now! He seems really sweet! We should go now if we don't want to be late!" Brian said.

The three man when to the door and put coat and shoes on them.

"Bye Fred!" John yelled.

Before he could answer, they went out and left the flat.

"Bye..." he whispered sadly.

He really hated to be alone at home. He wasn't scared, that wasn't the fact. It was just being lonely that he hated. It could be weird from the people outside to see Freddie in this state, but it was normal. Behind that thick coat of a strong and happy frontman, there was a shy and sad person.

He walked to his bedroom. He sat on the bed, taking a notebook. Lyrics came in his mind. Just simple little lyrics.

How it hurts deep inside  
When your love has cut you down to side

It seemed so sad, but that what he felt. It wasn't even declared that they were going to record something with that Adam, but he feared that he'd lose his love.

The day was long. Freddie stared at the people walking in the streets. He didn't see anyone that looked sad. And it was the hardest, because he felt very lonely.

He heard the door opening. He could clearly hear the guys talking. Their loud voices echoed in the apartment. 

"He's really funny!" Roger said.

"And he has a really beautiful voice!" John exclaimed.

"I'm happy we met him!" Brian said.

"I'm gonna see Freddie!" John said.

Freddie kept starting at outside. He heard John's footsteps. They were slowly approaching the bedroom. 

"Can I come in?" John asked.

"Sure." Freddie said.

John opened the door. He had a big smile plastered on his face.

"How was your day?" John asked.

"Shitty." Freddie answered.

John didntvreally seemed to care about Freddie's day.

"Mine was fantastic! Adam is really kind and he has a beautiful voice! We took the day to talk and I felt like I couldn't stop! He was so interesting! We are gonna make a few songs together! It's gonna be so cool!" John said excitedly.

"That's great." Freddie said still not looking at John.

"Do you want to join us to eat?" John asked.

"I already ate." Freddie lied.

"And I'm tired. I'm gonna go to bed." The singer said.

"Bye!" John said before leaving the room.

Freddie went to bed. He heard the laughs of his friends. He wanted to feel like that.

A few days later

"Are we going to the studio today?" Freddie asked hopefully.

"Well, John, Adam, Roger and me are going but you can come too. I think it's just gonna be boring for you." Brian said.

"Oh... Okay." 

John went to Freddie, kissed him quickly on the lips before saying:

"I love you." 

The oldest man didn't say anything. When the other mans left, he whispered to himself.

"I don't think you do anymore."

Another few days later

It was like that everyday. They went to the studio, they left Freddie at the flat. The singer felt alone. He was seeing no one. Even his boyfriend was not talking to him. He was always with that fantastic Adam.

The press was confused on why they didn't see Freddie anymore at the beginning. They quickly forgot about him. They were almost in love with Adam.

This morning wasn't the same. Freddie woke up to an empty bed. He didn't know when was the last time he kissed the man he loved. It was getting really hard. There was a little not one the bed.

Freddie,

We are going all day to the studio and tonight we're going out to a bar. I hope you have a good day. I love you, 

John.

The singer sat on his bed, looking in the mirror. A tear fell down his face.

"Why don't you love me anymore?!" He yelled.

Then, he broke. He exploded. The tears rolled down his cheeks profusely. He wanted John. He didnt felt loved anymore. 

All the day was that, break downs and break downs. He heard the door opening like every day. This time it was way more late. He heard laughing again.

"Tonight was so cool!" Brian said!

"You're so right!" Roger yelled.

"It was the best night I ever had!" John said loudly.

Ouch.

"We should do that more often!" A man that Freddie assumed was Adam said.

"Sure!" John answered.

Freddie walked down the stairs. The guys didn't notice that he was there.

"Hey." Freddie said.

"Who are you?" Adam asked.

Wow, they must have never talked about me, Freddie thought.

"I'm Freddie." he said.

"Its a pleasure. I'm Adam."

"Same." Freddie said fake smiling.

"What about we go back tomorrow?" Brian said.

"Sure!" Roger and Adam yelled at the same time.

"C-can I come with you guys...?" Freddie asked shyly.

"If you want to." Brian said.

"I-I don't want impose myself." The singer said.

"It's not that Freddie. Maybe you'll just be a bit bored?" John said.

"It's okay I won't go if you don't want me to." The older man said.

"I'm going back to my room. There's still food if you want to eat." He continued.

"I already ate." he finished lying.

Freddie haven't had a real meal since a long time. He wasn't hungry.  
He missed being with his friends. He mostly missed his boyfriend. He missed the cuddles. The kissed. The little talks. Everything.

Freddie went to bed. He cried silently. Asking himself what went wrong. Was it him. Was it Adam? He didn't know. He just knew that it was painful.

Still a few days later

Freddie wanted to surprise John by coming to the studio. He thought that maybe they could take some time together.

Freddie walked to the studio. He was excited to see his love a little bit of time at least. He opened the door of the studio. He heard drums and guitar. He saw Brian and Roger.

"Where is John?" 

"In the other room with Adam." Roger said.

"Thanks."

He walked to the other room. It was silent. He quietly opened the door. He wish he didn't opened it at all. Adam and John were making out. The thing he feared the most was happening. John was not on love with him anymore.

He didn't make any sound even if the tears were there. He ran back home. He locked himself in the bathroom and sobbed. He lost everything he loved. It was a living nightmare.

When everyone was back at the flat, John heard the sobs. He went to the bathroom. He knocked on the door.

"Freddie open the door." 

"I know you're in there Freddie."

"I won't open the door." Freddie said.

"What is going on Freddie?" John asked.

Freddie opened the door slightly to look at John in the eyes.

"You're standing in front of me, but you're not here." he said.

"I don't know what to say Freddie." John answered.

"Then, don't say anything and just kiss me." Freddie declared.

John looked away. This little action made Freddie's heart ache. John didn't love him anymore. 

"Wow... You must really love him. You can't even kiss your boyfriend anymore. Maybe your head is with me but your heart is with him." Freddie said in a whisper.

"It's not what you think it is Freddie." John said.

"You have no idea of what I think." Freddie answered.

"Fred..." John said quietly.

"I'm not here anymore." Freddie said pointing at John's heart.

Tears flowed down his face. He left the house, leaving John as he regretted his actions. Freddie walked, not caring about the strong rain. Nothing really mattered anymore. He made his way to the bridge. The bridge that he hated. The bridge that killed his only friend. The one that was always there until he understood that he wasn't happy. And it was too late.

When he stood on the edge of the bridge, he felt that feeling. Emptiness. His mind was racing with thought. He was fighting with his own mind.

Does it hurts?

'A lot.'

Then you're weak.

'I know.'

That's why you're alone.

'I know.'

You're nothing. You're useless.

'I know.'

Then why do you keep living?

'I don't know.'

They wouldn't care you being dead.

'I know.'

Does it hurts?

'More than ever, make it stop.'

You're the only one who can make it stop.

'But there's only one option.'

Then what are you waiting?

'Maybe he's gonna come back?'

He's not gonna come back.

'They said they loved me.'

They were waiting for someone better than you.

'They said they loved me!'

Not anymore.

'I know.'

Does it hurts?

'More than I thought it could ever hurt.'

Then end it.

'But I love them!'

But they don't love you.

'I know.'

Does it hurts? 

'Too much.'

Then let go.

'But I love him!'

I know.

'And I love them!'

Do you want it to keep hurting?

'No.'

Then let everything go.

John's POV:

I stood there. Guilt. That's the only thing I felt. That broken face. Freddie. The hurt that he showed. Where we being selfish? It's like we forgot him for a moment. Like he wasn't there. But, he needed us and I was sure of it. 

I walked to his bedroom, hoping to see something that would make me understand. I didn't want it to be that kind of proof. The one that break your hurt and that make you fear the worst.

John,

I love you. You love him. Was it planned? Finding somebody else better than me. There's no Queen anymore. Or at least, I'm not in Queen anymore. I was being only a burden wasn't I? I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't think. You're all my life and it has been taken away from me. It hurts. I wanted to make you happy. I didn't and I'm sorry about that. I really wish I did.

Freddie

I threw the letter back to the bed. He ran downstairs. 

"Where has he gone?" I yelled.

"Who?" Adam asked.

"Freddie!" I said.

"We don't know." Roger said.

"Fuck!" I yelled.

I ran outside. I had no time to even take a coat or to start a car. I ran to where I knew he would be. That bridge. That deadly bridge.

I saw him. Under the rain. He was ready to jump. I knew it. He looked at the sky. The tears were running down his face.

I had made. We had made this. We did this to him. We left him. We didn't realised it. 

"Don't do it Freddie." I said.

"But there's nothing left." He said.

"There's me! I love you!" I said.

"If you did, you wouldn't have left me like that. You wouldn't have cheated on me."

"I'm sorry!"

"You don't understand... Sometimes there are pains that are too big to face and rely on."

"I'm so sorry!" I yelled because of the loud rain.

"If you break a plate and you say sorry to it, does it come back to how it was before?" He asked.

"No..."

There was a moment of silence.

"Do you know how it felt like?" He asked.

I didn't say anything.

"I had no one. It hurted. It still hurts so much. I was replaced. You don't need me anymore. He's so much better than me. I'm nothing compared to him." He said.

"Don't say that." I said firmly.

"But its true." He said sobbing.

I walked to him and took him closer to me.

"I love you." I said.

He sobbed. 

"Why do you keep hurting me more?" He asked.

"I never meant something more than that and I'll say it until you believe me. I love you." 

I took him in my arms. He relaxed almost immediately. He squeezed me hard. I didn't care. He needed me. Something was worrying me. He was so little. More than normally.

"Are you eating, Freddie?" I asked.

"I-I couldn't. I wasn't able to." He mumbled.

I felt guilty. I asked him to come back home. He accepted. We walked to the flat. None of us said anything. We walked in the apartment. The boys were still sitting in the living room and talking.

"Hey John! Join us! We were talking about the new song!" Adam said.

I stood there. I didn't know what to do. I looked at Freddie. He had a sad look on his face. He shrugged and walked to our bedroom. I looked back at Roger, Brian and Adam.

"I'm going to see Freddie." I said.

"Oh come on! Come have some fun with us! You're not gonna have any fun with Freddie! He's just boring!" Adam said.

"Excuse me? Don't talk like that about my boyfriend." I said and joined Freddie.

I saw him sitting on the bed. He was still starting at the window, looking at the people outside. I sat beside him. He jumped a little when he felt that I was there. There were little tears in his eyes. I laid ourselves on the bed. 

We looked at each other. I cupped his face a placed a gentle kiss on his lips. He took something in his pocket. A piece of paper. He gave it to me and he turned himself so his back faced me. I looked at the paper.

It's a hard life

How it hurts, deep inside   
When your love has cut you down to side.  
Life is tough, on your own  
Now I'm waiting for something to fall from the skies  
I'm waiting for love

I approached him. 

"I'm really sorry Freddie."

He sniffled before looking at me and kissing me on the lips. I took him back into my arms and we cuddled like that with his head on my chest.

The next morning

Freddie's POV:

John wasn't there when I woke up. I heard the voices of the boys downstairs.

"You should prepare yourself John, we're going to the studio today." Brian said.

"I don't want to leave Freddie here alone. We're going to the studio everyday." John said.

"He can stay home alone! He's a big boy!" Roger said.

"You don't understand." John sighed.

"Please John..." Adam said.

"I... Okay. I'm coming. Wait for me." John said.

I pretended to sleep as John came in the bedroom. The younger boy dressed up and went to kiss me on the cheek. He went back downstairs and left with the new Queen.

I quickly got out from bed. I searched for something, a note maybe. Nothing. He would have just let me like that, not knowing where he was. The tears escaped my eyes again.

"Did you not understand that I wanted to die?" I whispered.

I laid on bed. I felt really hot and my head was pounding, painfully. I wanted to puke and my stomach was hurting. I went downstairs, took a bucket and laid on the couch before it was cold.

All day went like that, me vomiting with my head hurting horribly. When the guys arrived, Roger was already talking very loud.

"Can you stop talking that loud? I'm having a big headache." I asked him.

"Just go back to your room! You're there all day!" He said.

It seriously hit really hard. It was like he was punching me in the gut. 

"Do you think that's what I want? Do you think I wanted you to ignore me? To push me away?" I said in a little voice.

"You're doing nothing to stop it! You're just being a big baby!" He yelled.

"You had no idea of how it feels Roger." I said.

"Stop being fucking jealous and selfish, Bucky!" He yelled.

Everyone gasped.

I wanted to show him that I was angry. To shout at him, but I couldn't. It just hurted, really bad. Maybe that's because he was telling the truth. 

I remembered the day I met him and Brian. I proposed to sing for them and Roger just said: "Not with those teeth mate". He had a problem with my teeth. I couldn't blame him, they were horrible.

I walked out of the living room. I went to the bathroom. I didn't lock the door. I looked at myself in the mirror. Everything he said was true. I was jealous of Adam, I was being selfish, I wanted them for only myself and I was really looking like Bucky.

"I'm sorry Freddie." I heard from Roger.

"No, you were right. They're ugly, aren't they?" I asked.

"Don't say that, you're wrong. Your teeth are you beautiful." He said.

"Don't lie to me please." I answered.

"I'm not lying, your teeth are beautiful." He said again.

He took me in his arms.

"I'm sorry for not being there. John told me about yesterday a few minutes ago. I-I'm really sorry." He said.

"It's fine." I said.

We pulled away and he smiled a bit. We went back to the living room where John was sitting alone.

"I'm gonna let you two be together." Roger said before leaving.

I sat on the couch. We didn't say anything. He kept staring at me. 

"Is it gonna be like that every time?" I asked.

"How?" He asked.

"You tell me that you love me and that everything's fine and then, you leave again." I said.

"I'm sorry... The guys were being pretty insistent." He explained.

"What if they are everyday? I don't want to live like that again, John."

"Its not gonna happen again. I'm really sorry! I love you!" He said.

He walked to me and took me in his arms. He kissed me on the lips.

"I love you too."


	10. Do Something (Deacury)

3rd person's POV:

Freddie woke up, seeing the man he hated, sitting in the corner of the room, and reading the newspaper. He was in a relationship with Paul, but he didn't love him. Paul was only with him for sex and popularity and he knew it. He was even being aggressive sometimes.

"I waited for you to make my breakfast." Paul said as soon as he saw Freddie awake.

The singer felt anger. Just anger, toward Paul. He wanted to yell to him. To tell him that he was tired of him, but he was scared. Scared of the consequences. He knew what they were and he didn't want this nightmare to be happening all over again. 

"No." Was all the singer said.

Paul looked up from his newspaper to look at the singer.

"Excuse me?" He said.

"No." Freddie repeated. 

He was telling himself to shut up and just go make a breakfast, but he couldn't. He stayed there. 

Paul stood up from his chair and walked to him. He was looking at the singer with a menacing look. 

"But you don't have the choice Freddie. You're doing whatever I tell you to do or there's consequences. And you know that very well." Paul said.

"I'm not your slave." Freddie yelled.

Paul slapped him on the right cheek, leaving a cut on his cheek.

"Of course you are! You're nothing more than a slave!" He yelled.

Freddie tried to run out of the room but Paul threw him on the bed. He took his belt and began slapping it on the singer's body, making him scream in pain. Paul bit him in the neck hard. He agressivly got him out of the bed after long minutes of torture. He threw him out of the room.

"Get out of here now!" He screamed.

Freddie walked painfully out of the house. He made his way to the studio as he was already late. He hid his face with his hair to not bring any attention to him. As soon as he opened the door of the studio, he heard Roger's voice.

"Seriously Freddie? Still late? It's getting annoying! You know very well that we can't do anything without you!" He said.

"I'm sorry. I-it wasn't my fault this morning its j-just..." Freddie began to say, sniffling, but Brian cut him off.

"What? What's your excuse now, Freddie?" Brian said coldly.

"I-I..." He started to say before he broke down into tears.

John walked to him and he removed Freddie's of his face, gasping at the sight in front of him. 

"What happened Fred?" He asked.

"P-paul, h-he was being really a-aggressive." 

"Is it just now that you realise it? We've told you countless time to leave him and you never listened to us." Roger said annoyed.

"Shut up Roger!" John said.

"I bet he's still fucking him after everything that happened." Brian said.

That comment made Freddie start to shake. His breathing quickened as he was starting to panic. John couldn't help but ask this question as he saw Freddie's reaction.

"Freddie, is he a-abusing you?"

The singer let out a loud sob. He felt like he was gonna fall. His knees were weak and he couldn't stop shaking. His three friends knew what was his answer.

"I'm sorry Fred, if I knew..." Roger said.

"I-it's okay. Y-you were right. Its my fault if its happening. I deserve e-everything he's doing to me." He said through his sobs.

John took him in his arms which made him whimper because of the pain. John quickly pulled away, looking worried.

"Did I hurt you?" John asked.

"It's my back." Freddie whimpered.

"Can you show me?" John asked.

Freddie seemed hesitant but finally agreed. He removed his shirt, making all his bandmates gasp. John told him to lay on the couch and he did. The younger boy started to wash the wounds. Freddie cried because of the pain. John tried to take Freddie wrist to wash them but the singer quickly removed them from his friend's grip. He finally gave up and showed his forearms to John. 

"Why are you doing this?" John asked as he saw the slights on his wrists.

Freddie didn't answer, he just avoided his look. John continued to wash the wounds silently. After that, they all started to work on their new songs. Freddie couldn't think properly, he just kept thinking about going back home, having to face Paul. He was really scared of him and he had no idea of what he was capable of doing.

The hours flew by and everybody was ready to go home. Almost everyone. As the singer was about to leave the studio, he heard John calling his name. 

"Do you want to sleep at mine tonight?" He was asking.

"I-I don't want to be a burden. I can go at my house. It's okay."Freddie replied.

"I insist. I don't want to know what could happen if you see Paul again. You're not gonna be a burden. If I didn't wanted you to come to mine I wouldn't have asked."

"Okay." Freddie said.

Later that night

John went downstairs to sleep on the couch as Freddie slept on his bed. It was fine, until the thunder started. Freddie was afraid of the thunder. 

The singer started to walk downstairs to see John. Unfortunately, the younger man was still asleep and Freddie didn't have the heart to wake him up. He just sat on the chair in front of the couch. He let little tears fall on his cheeks as he brought his legs to his chest.

There was a big thud that made Freddie scream a bit. John immediately woke up.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" John asked.

"I-I couldn't sleep." Freddie sniffled.

"Do you want to come sleep with me?" John said.

Freddie nodded and walked to him. He lied beside John and the younger man took him in his arms. They looked at each other and John finally kissed Freddie's neck gently, sending shivers to the singer's spine. His lips turned into a little smile. He kissed John's cheek.

"I love you John."

"I love you too."

John tightened his grip on Freddie and they fell asleep in each others arms.

3 days later

John's POV:

Since the morning after that night, I didn't see Freddie. I was worried. Really worried. Roger and Brian were just mad at him. They were angry that Freddie just left like that even if we were helping him. I knew that he wouldn't have left like that. Not after that night. I knew him didn't I?

I came to the studio. I hoped he was there, but he wasn't. 

"Still no words?" I asked.

"Nothing." Brian answered.

We did the things we could do without him. I wasn't concentrated. I couldn't stop thinking about Freddie. I just wanted to know that he was okay. That's all that mattered. I didn't want him to be with Paul. I was really afraid of what he could do to him. 

The session ended. I didn't know if I wanted to go see Freddie. I didn't want to have to see Paul. I drove to his house. I stayed in front of it before I finally went to knock on the door. Obviously, it wasn't Freddie who answered.

"John." He said coldly.

"Paul. I would say its a pleasure to see you but... Since it isn't..."

"The feeling is mutual. What do you want?" He asked.

"Well, I thought it was obvious, but I want to see Freddie." I said.

"He doesn't want to see you." He said sternly.

"I would want to be told by him that he doesn't want to see me."

"I'm not gonna let you enter John. Its not your house." He said.

I took a deep breathe. This is for Freddie that I am doing this. I just want him safe. Without any warning, I threw a punch at Paul. He hit his head on the wall and fell on the floor.

I walked past him and I started to search for Freddie. Something wasn't feeling right. I yelled his name but I didn't receive any answer. I opened every doors. I finally opened the last door. I saw him. He was laying on the floor. A zip tie was around his neck, too tight to be able to take any air.

I ran to him. He was trying to remove the plastic from his neck but he wasn't strong enough. I removed his hands and I tried too. He was barely even conscious anymore.

I didn't try any harder and I ran downstairs. I opened every drawers, searching for scissors.

"Fuck!" I cursed when I didn't find anything.

My hands were shaking. It was a matter of seconds before I couldn't save him anymore. I found it and took him out, almost cutting myself in the process. I ran back quickly in the room. I went back to Freddie's limp body. I started to take off the zip tie but my hands were shaking a lot. When I finally achieved to do it, I took him in my arms. The scariest part was coming. I brought my two fingers to his neck, searching for a pulse. 

I felt Freddie's slow heartbeat through my fingers. I felt relieved. Never have I felt so relieved. His heart was still beating but he wasn't breathing. 

"Breathe, please Freddie, breathe." I said.

I waited for his chest to move, but it didn't. I needed him to breathe. 

"Please Freddie. You need to breathe for me. Paul can't wake up when we're still here." I whispered.

It's like saying the name Paul made him react. His chest started to raise, then to fall. I quickly took him in my arms in a bridal style. I ran out of the house. I carefully laid Freddie on the back seat of my car. I drove back home.

3rd person's POV:

Freddie woke up in John's bedroom, confused. What was a dream? What was real? He felt pain at his neck. He slowly touched it and felt the wound. Tears immediately filled his eyes. Everything that happened was real. 

The door opened slowly. John appeared at the door frame. He walked to Freddie and took him in his arms.

"You scared me so bad." John said.

The older man started to sob. He wanted everything to end. He just wanted a normal life, but he knew that he was the only one to blame in all this. 

"We should sleep. Its late. I'll stay with you okay?" John asked.

Freddie just nodded. John laid beside Freddie, keeping him in his arms. He wanted him to feel safe. He hated to see him like that. 

Freddie waited for John to sleep before he started crying again. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. He was scared of Paul coming back for him. He knew that he wasn't finished with him. 

He watched the sun rise. Why couldn't he just have an easy life like the others? Why couldn't he find somebody to love that would love him as much as he did? John started to wake up beside him. 

"Did you at least slept a bit?" He asked.

Freddie shook his head. They both walked down the stairs. John made a breakfast, but Freddie didn't eat at all. He wasn't feeling well at all. 

"Do you want to go to the studio today?" John asked.

Freddie nodded, still not talking. John took him some clothes to wear. Freddie put them on him. John was really worried. Freddie was never silent, habitually he was always the one to talk and to joke.

They drove to the studio. There was still that silence. John didn't know what to say and Freddie just didn't feel like talking. He was tired and he couldn't stop over thinking. They arrived to the studio. 

"Go first. I just have to take my bass from the boot of the car." The younger man said.

Freddie got up and walked to the studio. He opened the door. He immediately saw Roger and Brian sitting on the couch.

"Hey..." He said quietly.

They both didn't answer. Instead, they glared at him angrily. The singer sat on a chair in front of them.

"So, how were your romantic days with Paul?" Roger said.

Freddie felt a knot forming in his throat.

"Stop." He said almost whispering as he felt his eyes sting.

"Why? Don't you want to tell us how good it was?" Brian continued.

"We want to know!" Roger said.

"Stop!" Freddie yelled and tears rolled down his face.

Both of the mens froze as the singer stormed out of the room sobbing. John walked at that moment.

"What did you say to him?" He asked.

"We just asked him how were his romantic days with Paul!" Brian answered.

"Are you dumb?! You have no idea of what happened! If I didn't come to see him yesterday he would be dead! So, don't say anything before you know!"John yelled.

He walked to where Freddie went. He found him sleeping on another couch. The poor man was extremely tired and wasn't able to sleep so John was happy to see him asleep. He walked to him and started to play with his hair.

Freddie wasn't really asleep. He was trying to sleep but he couldn't so he just enjoyed having John with him. 

He was starting to fall asleep when he felt his hair being pulled aggressively. He opened his eyes and Paul was there. The manager threw Freddie to the floor and stormed out. The singer started sobbing again. He heard his name being called several times.

He opened his eyes and John was there, still massaging his head.

"You were having a nightmare." He said.

The singer nodded and hugged John. He didn't want to fall asleep again. He didn't want to have a nightmare again.

"Let's go back home okay? You're too tired to work." John said smiling a little in a comforting way.

Freddie got up and wiped the tears away from his eyes. They walked and left the studio without saying goodbye to Roger and Brian. 

"Thank you." Freddie said as they sat in the car.

"Why?"

"You should be angry with me, but you aren't. You shouldn't help me, but you do. You should have left me there, but you didn't." Freddie said.

"I'll always be there for you Freddie." 

A few days later

Freddie's POV:

I sat on the couch, bored. John, Brian and Roger went out to have some fun and I was too tired to come with them. Since the incident, I almost didn't have any sleep. I was afraid that all of this was a dream and that I would wake up with Paul beside me. 

The house was a mess, because the only thing John was doing was taking care of me. I felt bad, because he wasn't having any fun, he was locked up with me. I decided to clean the house a bit. I put in the garbage can all the food boxes. I went in his bedroom and I fixed the bed. 

I was about to go back at the first floor, but I heard the floor creaking. I stopped where I was.

"Hello." The voice of a man said.

It gave me shivers. I turned around and Paul was there, standing in front of me. This have to be a nightmare. How could he enter without the keys and without me noticing? 

"W-what are you doing here?" I managed to get out.

"I'm here to finish what I couldn't do." He said smirking.

As he walked toward me, I walked backward. What I forgot was that the stairs were just behind me. I missed one of them and I felt all my body falling. I let out a scream as my head hit one of the stairs. I stopped falling and I couldn't move. I felt Paul running out. I heard my name being yelled as I fought to stay awake.

Then everything went black.

An hour before

John's POV:

Brian, Roger and me sat in a coffee shop. We started talking then, Roger suddenly asked:

"What happened to Freddie with Paul, John?"

"I don't know if I should tell you this..." I answered.

"Please..." Brian said.

I sighed and started to tell them what happened.

"I went to his house and Paul opened the door. He wouldn't let me in and I was really worried so I punched him. He hit his head on the wall and fell on the floor unconscious. I-I went to the second floor. I searched through every room to find Freddie. When I finally arrived to the last room, Freddie was laying on the floor. He had a zip tie around his neck a-and he couldn't b-breathe. He was trying to take it off but he couldn't. So, I quickly went back downstairs and I took a scissors as quickly as possible, which wasn't really fast, because I was really nervous. I took one and I went back upstairs. He was unconscious. I removed the zip tie from his throat. His heart was still beating, but he wasn't breathing so I talked to him until he started to breathe again. I took him to my house and When he woke up, he couldn't stop crying. So I took him to bed and you know what happened next." I explained.

"D-do you know what happened during the three days that he was with Paul?" Brian asked.

"N-no. I didn't ask him. I didn't want him to me even more upset." 

"I think m-maybe we should go apologise to him..." Roger said.

"I think he would appreciate that." I replied.

We all stood up and walked to my car. I drove to my house and nobody talked. As I was about to park the car, I saw Paul running out of my house.

"What the fuck?" I said.

I quickly parked the car and I ran to the front door. I opened it and I saw Freddie. He was lying on the floor, his head was bleeding a lot and one of his leg was torn in a weird way.

"Freddie!" I yelled.

I ran to him and I heard Roger and Brian bursting through the door.

"Oh my god." Brian said.

"W-we need an ambulance." I said shaking.

3rd person's POV:

After a few hours, Freddie opened his eyes. He squeezed them shut as soon as he was blinded by the bright light. He was hurting everywhere. He slowly opened his eyes again. He saw the white walls and heard the 'bip' from a machine beside him. His leg was covered by a cast. He finally understood that he was in a hospital.

He tried to sit instead of laying on the mattress, but a sharp pain on one of his ribs stopped him. He let out a little scream. Just breathing was painful. 

John walked in the room, expecting to see Freddie asleep. He jumped a bit when he saw his friend awake.

"Are you okay Freddie?" He asked..

"J-John, i-it hurts." He cried.

"Just go back to sleep okay? Maybe you're gonna feel better after." John said calmly while he rubbed Freddie's arms sweetly.

The older man closed his eyes. He knew he wouldn't feel better after a nap. Any little movement was hurting him. He couldn't even fall asleep. He opened his eyes again.

"You know, if I didn't practically yelled at the doctors you would have half you head shaved." He chuckled.

The bassist continued to talk to Freddie and the man slowly started to feel his eyes closing. After an hour, the singer was back asleep.

Two weeks later

Freddie still couldn't do much but, at least, he was released from the hospital. He had to walk with crutches and he had to have someone with him almost every minute. His rib was still broken so he had to be careful and performing wasn't an option soon.

One morning, as he was still at John's house, he received a letter. There was no indication from who it was. I opened it, but I quickly regretted it.

You made a big mistake. I'm coming back for you Freddie. This won't be long. Enjoy the rest of the time you have. See you soon.

It couldn't happen an other time. Hasn't he suffered enough? That's the only question that went through his mind. John walked In the room with two cups of tea.

"So, what is it?" he asked.

As soon as he saw Freddie's teary eyes he softened and took the letter away from him. He read it and went to take Freddie in his arms.

"I'll always be with you and I'll protect you from everything." The younger man said.


	11. Do Something (Part 2) (Deacury)

3rd person's POV:

Queen was doing a show for the first time since what happened. Freddie still had his cast on and he had to be careful because of his ribs so he decided to stay sat on the bench of his piano.

It was great at the beginning. But then, Freddie finished a piano part of one of the songs and he turned to look to the crowd. He saw his face. The one he never wanted to see again. Paul was standing in the middle of the crowd. Freddie didn't do anything. He tried to concentrate back on his piano. The pain at his rib went back. It made it all harder.

It was time for Brian's long solo in Brighton Rock. John and Freddie went back stage to get changed. Since a few days, the two mans were together. Freddie started to change his clothes and John walked to him.

"Are you okay?" He asked him.

"Yes, I'm fine." He answered smiling.

John frowned and looked at his boyfriend while he changed himself. Freddie looked back at him.

"W-we have to go back on stage." He said and went to join Roger and Brian.

The show continued. Freddie seemed to be tired and in pain on his piano. John was worrying a lot. He knew that Freddie wouldn't tell anyone or want to end the show because of that. He was way too stubborn.

"Are you okay?" John asked in Freddie's ear. 

The singer nodded before continuing to focus on his performance. 

A few hours later

John and Freddie were back at home. They layed on the bed, tired of tonight's show. They were kissing and both of them wanted more than that until Freddie tried to talk through their kiss.

"John..." He whispered.

The younger man just made a noise to ask him what was going on.

"My rib..." The singer said painfully.

John directly pulled away and looked at him panicked.

"Oh my god! I'm sorry! Are you okay?" He said quickly.

Freddie nodded.

"C-can I remove your t-shirt?" The bassist asked.

Freddie nodded again. They both removed the t-shirt from Freddie's body.

"Where does it hurts?" John asked sweetly.

The older man pointed to one of his left ribs. John approached his head to his lover's chest and placed delicate kisses on the place where Freddie was hurting. No one said anything. 

Freddie looked at John raising his head again to look at him. The singer stared at his boyfriend's eyes. Then he looked at his lips. And looked back at his eyes. He took John's head quickly and attached their lips together.

They pulled away and cuddled until the both of them fell asleep.

One month later

Freddie and John decided to go on a first date at the restaurant. They were together for a couple of weeks now but because of Freddie's condition, they preferred to wait for him to feel better. He still had his cast on, but his rib was better and he was feeling better too.

What John didn't know was that it wasn't going as well as he thought for Freddie. His boyfriend was still thinking too much about what happened and he couldn't seem to concentrate on anything else. His mind was always going back to Paul no matter what.

They both dressed to go on their date. The singer didn't feel like going at all, but he hated to disappoint John. They wanted to go out together since weeks and he couldn't just cancel now. He knew that John would be upset about it.

So he said nothing and they drove to the restaurant. They entered in it. They looked at their menu. Well, John did and Freddie was staring at nothing. 

"Freddie?" He called.

The older man looked quickly at his lover.

"Are you okay?" The bassist asked.

Freddie just nodded slightly smiling. He looked back at the menu. After a few minutes, before the waiter could arrive, Freddie talked.

"I-I don't feel too well John. C-can we do it an other night? I'm s-sorry." He said looking at his hands. 

"Oh... Yes, sure. I'll go and tell the waiter."John said.

"Oh no, its okay. Stay and enjoy your night. I-I'll go back home alone." He said.

"O-okay..." John replied a little confused.

He looked at his boyfriend walking away. This didn't seem right at all. He didn't understand. It seemed like everything was going well. He didn't have nightmare anymore. He was doing so well. Why was it so sudden? But John didn't know anything at all.

Freddie's POV:

I walked in the streets. The tears came quickly. I just wanted all of this to end. I was tired of feeling like this. Like I was trapped. But for now, I had no idea of what it really felt being trapped.

I walked a little bit then, I felt something hitting my head. I fell to the floor. Quickly, everything went black.

~

I woke up. My head was hurting a lot. I opened my eyes, but everything was dark. I tried to bring my hands to my face, but I couldn't. My hands were tied together. My arms were around a big beam.

I started to panic and I tried to tear the ropes around my wrists. It seemed like it was only tightening the more I tried. It was burning horribly. 

"I see you're already awake." A voice behind me said.

I could always recognise this voice. As much I didn't want to, I always did. I shivered at the sound of his voice. I tried to pull my wrist at me harder. I could feel something sliding down my wrists. Blood.

"If I was you I wouldn't do this." He said.

"So this is how its going to work, everyday there's a surprise. Since you can't see, I'm gonna make you hear it." Paul said slightly laughing.

He hit whatever he had in his hand on a wall. It only sounded like one thing. A whip. A shiver got through all my body again. He walked at me. I felt his presence near me. He made the first stroke. All I could do was screaming as loud as I could do. It echoed through the room. As soon as he did it the first time, he didn't stop. 

I would be dying here and I was sure of it.

The next day

I woke up again in the cold room. My body was aching everywhere. This time, Paul didn't give me time to guess to next torture instrument. He quickly put the burning iron on my skin. I held as tight as possible the beam. I wasn't here for long and I was already tired and I was hurting so much. I couldn't almost move anymore. 

He laughed. Every time he heard me scream he laughed. I wondered if John was ever gonna find me, because I wouldn't survive long. I didn't even know what was coming. I had went through nothing for now.

Every second I asked myself why it was happening. I asked myself if I deserved it. I could never answer these questions. I couldn't help but feel like I did everything for it to happen. I made this happen.

One day later

Today, Paul felt like playing with electricity. He had a tazer and used it on me. I didn't move. I couldn't and it was no use. There was nothing stopping him. As soon as he stopped with the tazer, he hit me. With nothing, only his fists and his feet. 

I could feel my mind slowly going away. I waited for John to help me. He didn't come. He didn't went to take me away from him. Maybe this time he realised that I deserved it. Maybe he didn't care where I was. Maybe he was tired of saving me. Maybe he was happy now. Me away from him.

I could only cry. Screaming was too exhausting and I had no voice. Anyway, it wasn't like he would stop. The gravity felt heavier on my body. I was kept to the floor. My members were too heavy to move. My body was too hurting to defend himself.

A day later

This time I didn't see it coming. Not one time he had touched touched me directly since he took me away. I wished he never did. He passed his hands on all my ribs. He approached them to my boxers.

He slowly bit my neck. He touched all of my body. I wanted to throw up. I just wanted John to hold me in his arms. I wanted him to go away from me. I could never forget the sensation of his hands going through every parts of my body that I didn't want him to approach. 

He pulled my boxers down. Everything that I wished didn't happen was happening. And he did it. He abused me. He made me feel dirty. I had betrayed John. I could never look at myself in the mirror correctly. Without thinking that I had done the worst thing I could have done to John. 

When he had finished, he put my boxers back on and he left the room. I waited for him to be completely gone to start to cry. I tried to lay my body on the floor, but my pain was too intense. Blood was running down all my body. 

I could smell his perfume. All over my body. I tried to tear again the ropes on my wrists. I was only making them worse. More blood ran down them. My sobs started to be louder.

I heard a loud thud going from upstairs. The door at the top of the stairs creaked. There was someone in here. I tried to breathe less louder so it wouldn't know I was here. I didn't know what this person wanted. Maybe it was just Paul.

"Freddie?" The person called.

John. He was there. He came to save me.

"John!" I said in a hoarse voice.

He quickly came down the stairs. He searched for the light. I felt him removing the thing on my eyes. I quickly closed my eyes because of the bright light. He gasped seeing my bleeding body. He removed the ropes from my wrists. I finally opened my eyes. 

"Are you gonna be able to walk?" He asked.

I shook my head. He nodded and called for Brian. The guitarist quickly arrived. I put my arms around their shoulders and they lifted me from the ground. We walked past Paul's limp body. We went into Roger's car. I was laying on the backseat. I was on my stomach and I had my head on John's knees.

It was horrible. My back was hurting so much. John splashed water on it to help. I tried my best not to scream in pain. John played in my hair. I finally drifted into sleep.

One month later

I avoided the mirrors, too scared of seeing what he did to me. Every night, when John was asleep, I looked at the ceiling and waited for the time to pass. I couldn't sleep anymore. I tried to forget his face. I tried to forget the pain I felt. But every night he was there, laughing at me. I couldn't walk out of this house. Too afraid of being taken again. I didn't cry a tear since I was back. I was feeling numb. Each time I closed my eyes, I could feel the whip hitting my back. Feel the iron burning my skin. Feel him hitting me with all his strength. I could feel his hand touching me everywhere he could. I could feel the blood, running down my wrist and my body. I could feel the cold floor under me. I could hear his loud laughs. I could even hear my screams. I tried to find safety in John's arms, they weren't enough to wash away my fears anymore, nothing was. And then, each night, I tightened my grip on him and closed my eyes. I never found any sleep so I waited for the morning to come, hoping that the next night would be better.

Tonight, it was worse. I couldn't see anything but him, everywhere. I pulled away from John's arms. I sat on the bed, I looked around me, around the room. I sat on the side of the bed, over thinking. I felt John's hand against my shoulder.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" He asked.

"I wasn't able to." I whispered still not looking at him.

"You should come and lay back beside me. You'll fall asleep eventually. Like every other nights." He said.

He didn't know anything. I nodded my head.

"I'm just gonna grab a glass of water." I said.

I got up and walked away. I went into the kitchen. I filled a glass with water from the sink. I saw my piano. It has been so long since I used it. I walked to it. I left my glass on the top of the piano. I started to play some chords. The only ones that came to my mind were the chords of a particular song. Death On Two Legs.

They weren't for him, but it seemed like those words were written for Paul. It was really anything I thought about. I slammed my fist against the tiles of the piano. The cats ran away from me. 

I heard the sound of his foot on the floor. I took my head in my hands. I felt his hand on my shoulder. I looked at him.

"You have to talk to me Freddie. I can't do anything if you don't." He said.

I shook my head, avoiding his eyes.

"I'm tired Freddie. Tired of trying to help you and that you don't care." He said coldly.

I stood up. I didn't even looked at him. I walked away and I went to the bed. I layed on it. I got under the covers and hid most of my body. The first tears came out. The sobs then followed. John came in the room. He didn't turn on my side to take me in his arms. 

My boyfriend didn't care about me anymore.

The next night

The guys wanted to go out and eat something in a restaurant. John didn't even asked me if I wanted to come. Brian and Roger did. I said no. I was too tired and I wanted some time alone. I also didn't want to bother John. He wouldn't even look at me anymore.

I waited for them to leave. I filled the bath with hot water. I got in it. There are these nights, when no one rings or come. When it's raining outside. I was in the bath, like an idiot. I tried to drown it, that fucking sorrow. But it floated. So I sang my most beautiful notes, but it was never better.

I got out of the bath when the water turned cold. I looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't even want to see myself anymore. I looked at the bottle of pills on the side of the sink. I took it in my hands. There would be enough to end myself. I put it back at its place. Maybe an other day.

I walked out of the bathroom. I walked downstairs to make myself something to eat. I wasn't even hungry anymore. I took pasta and began to boil them. I stired them while I was thinking.

Maybe John would come back, flowers in his hands. He would open the front door. Quietly walk to the kitchen. Walk through the kitchen's door. As clumsy as he is he would make a metal bowl fall down the floor.

I heard it. Falling on the floor. The bowl. I turned around, hoping to see him. But it was nothing more than Delilah. I turn around to continue to cook my pasta. I sobbed. Why would John even care to come back to make me forgive him?

I took a plate. Put the pastas on it. I sat at the table. I couldn't even take anything in my stomach. I let the plate there. I went in the bedroom. I tried to sleep, because what could I do more? 

I woke up after an hour. John was beside me. He was looking at me lovingly. I took him in my arms. I scented his sweet smell of vanilla. 

"I'm so sorry Freddie. I love you so much. I should have listened to you and helped you. Will you forgive me?" He asked.

I nodded smiling. He kissed me, he got on me. He kissed my chest. I passed my hands trough his hairs. I felt so good. I closed my eyes.

I opened my eyes again. I was left all alone to a dark and cold room. John didn't come. Of course, I was dreaming. I looked around, I saw the safe in the corner of the room. I never told John what was in it. I opened it and tool the gun that I hid in it. Finally, maybe today.

I pulled the cold tip of the gun on the side of my head. One movement and I'll be gone. I put my finger on the trigger. I closed my eyes. I felt my hand shaking.

Do it.

Think of the others. Of the pain they'll feel.

Pull the trigger.

Think about John.

Fucking do it!

"What the fuck?!"

I opened my eyes. John. He was standing in front of me. Why didn't I lock the fucking door? He looked at me with a disappointed face. I removed the gun a little bit from my head.

"This is why you didn't want to come? You asked us to leave to do that didn't you?" He spat.

I shook my head with tears falling down my face.

"You were about to end yourself like that, without a word. You don't care about us do you?" He said almost angrily.

I looked at him. His face was full of anger. I pulled the gun back on my head. I stopped looking at his face.

"Is it what you want? This is what you want isn't it? You want me to pull the fucking trigger don't you?!" I yelled.

"What are you talking about?" He asked.

"You wouldn't care. You wouldn't care if I wasn't here anymore." I cried.

"Hey, I care about you Freddie." John said.

"Then why don't you show like you do?" I said sobbing.

"You won't talk to me Freddie. You have to talk to me."

"I can't John. I can't. If I tell you anything he did you'll leave me." I said.

"Yours scars are enough for me to figure it out." He answered.

"Those are nothing. Absoluetely nothing."

He didn't understand. He would never.

"Please Freddie, let me be here for you. Let me help you. I love you. So fucking much. I know I haven't been showing it, but I promise I'll take care of you." He said calmly.

I finally looked at him. I pulled the gun away. He walked to me and took me in his arms. I sobbed for what felt like hours. We both layed on the bed, looking in each other's eyes.

"Every time I see you, you leave me breathless." He said.


	12. Broken Without You (Deacury)

3rd person's POV:

It was Christmas and John's and Freddie's family decided to reunited. Freddie was really anxious no matter what John kept telling him. John's father obviously didn't like him and it was stressing him a lot. 

When they arrived to the Deacon's house, there was already tension between the two mens. Freddie held his hand up to shake his father-in-law's, but the older man didn't move a bit. 

They all sat at the table after about an hour. No one talked and you could feel the tension as everyone ate. Freddie started sweating a little. He was afraid. Afraid of doing the wrong thing.

"I have something to do today." Freddie said as he stood up.

Everyone turned to look at him.

"John, I love you with my whole heart and I know that this feeling will never change. I always knew that we were meant to be together. To go straight to the point, I wanted to ask this question since the beginning." Freddie said.

The singer went on one of his knees. He opened a little box with a beautiful ring in it.

"Will you marry me?" He asked.

The silence wasn't broke. John looked at his father. Then, he looked back at Freddie and saw the tears forming in his eyes when John didn't answered. As much as he knew it would break Freddie, he said it.

"I-I can't." He said.

"You c-can't?" Freddie asked as his voice broke.

"I can't keep hurting the ones I love just to be with you."

"So you're just giving up on us?" 

"I-I'm sorry." The bassist replied.

But, it didn't make any difference. It was like Freddie was stabbed in the heart. Everything he ever wished for was destroyed. 

"I really thought that-" He stopped himself when he saw that John wasn't even looking at him.

He stood up and threw the box with the ring on the floor. He took a last look at John as tears started to slide down his face. He knew this would hurt, but stormed out of the house.

Kasmira followed him quickly. She watched as his big brother fell on the floor sobbing. She went beside him and tried to end his cries, but nothing could end this sorrow that destroyed his heart. 

He felt like he could die right now. He always considered the possibility of John saying 'It's too soon.'. Now, John didn't want him at all. It was making him fall apart.

He felt his throat burning. He turned his head away from Kashmira and threw up on the floor. His sobs kept getting louder. His heart burned as much as his throat. 

"Do you want to go back home?" She asked.

He just nodded and his sister went back in house. She took everything that was hers and Freddie's things. She took the ring broken by John's father. Her fiance followed her and they walked back to Freddie.

"D-Do you have the ring?" He asked.

"I-I do, but... John's father broke it." She said and gave it to him.

He took it and looked at it before he started sobbing again. The little box was torn in a weird way and the diamond wasn't on the ring anymore. Kashmira hugged him and he sobbed more harder. It was like his heart was crushed.

They went in Roger's car. (Kashmira's boyfriend) 

"I'm sorry..." Freddie said.

"No, it's fine. Don't worry." Roger said.

Freddie stared at outside as he let every possible tears out. The habitual sun shining in his chest from happiness was now replaced by heavy clouds. Outside of the car, a thunder was preparing, little drops of waters began to fall down the clouds. The sky's tears joined Freddie's. 

Roger parked the car at Kashmira and Freddie's parent's house. They both walked out. Kashmira kissed Roger goodbye. Freddie walked to his old room, looking everywhere. 

"I guess I'll have to get used to this room." He muttered.

An hour later

He heard his parents coming back home. Kashmira talked to them.

"It's the first time I've seen him this sad. I wish I could help him. I don't know what to do." She said.

He could hear her sobs. His started again too. He couldn't feel worse. Just because he was was feeling horrible made his sister feel horrible. He felt like he was hurting her only because he was being selfish. He covered his head with the covers of the bed.

A week later

Freddie didn't come out of bed one time. He had no strength for anything. His sister entered in his room to give him his breakfast. When she gave him his plate, he noticed a ring on her finger.

"You and Roger are getting married?" He asked.

She nodded.

"And, we're having a baby. Are you fine with it?" She said.

He didn't answer the question, instead he asked an other one.

"Why didn't you tell us sooner?" He said confused.

"We were supposed to tell you all at the dinner we had, but with what happened..." She said not ending her sentence.

"I'm sorry. You should have had your moment, but I ruined everything with my stupid proposal. How could I even think that he wanted to marry me?" He said laughing at how he felt stupid.

His laugh quickly turned into sobs. He was trying to be strong, but everything just hurted too much. His sister quickly wrapped her arms around his body.

"I'm gonna have a baby too." He whispered.

Kashmira pulled away to look at him in the eyes.

"Really? Aren't you happy?" She asked.

He shrugged. Little tears flowed down his face.

"I would be if John was here." He muttered.

It was weird. There was a lot of people that cared about him and that took care of him, but he felt lonely. He needed closure. He needed John. He wanted to feel loved. Right now, he felt completely alone.

"Oh! Before I forget!" Kashmira said.

Freddie looked at his sister walking out of the room. A few minutes later, she walked back in the room with a little cat in her hands.

"Delilah." Freddie said slightly smiling.

"I thought you would want to see your baby cat!" She said to him.

Freddie quickly took Delilah in his arms like we hold a baby. Kashmira was proud of herself, she achieved to make Freddie smile for the first time since Christmas.

"Tonight we're celebrating the new year's eve. Are you gonna join us?" She asked.

He shook his head as he kept looking at Delilah. Tonight was the night that he planned to tell John that they were gonna be a family. Why new year's eve? Because it was also the first time they kissed three years ago.

A few hours later

The party had started downstairs. They left Freddie alone in his room as he wished. He could hear clearly his family laughing and talking. The singer laid beside Delilah. He gave her kisses, wetting her a bit with his tears.

"What am I doing here What am I meant to be doing?" He asked her.

He heard his sister and his parents doing the countdown for the new year. When they all yelled happy new year, he felt something he had never felt before, despair.

"Happy new year to myself." He sobbed.

2 weeks later

"You have to get out of bed a bit Freddie. Just do it for me." Kashmira told his brother.

He didn't have motivation to do anything. He had never felt this low. Habitually the man was always up to do something. He would want to do music, sing or play piano, but now nothing. He knew he had to do it for his sister. She had been there for him almost every time he needed her.

"I don't have anything to do outside." He said.

"You should go to a coffee shop!" She exclaimed.

"I-I don't know Kashi. You know, I don't really feel like doing anything." He explained.

"You never feel like doing anything Freddie. You're never gonna get better if you just lay there on a bed all day." She said sounding annoyed. 

"Please." She said.

"Fine." He quietly said.

After a few minutes he was ready to go out. He went to kiss the cheek of his sister.

"I'll be back in like an hour or two." He said.

He went out, walked a bit. He knew it wouldn't help him at all, but he decided to go to the coffee shop John and him went often. His heart ached as he thought of all the good memories in this shop.

-  
"You look so beautiful, Freddie." John said.

Freddie blushed.

"I'm so happy to have you. I can never imagine my life without you. I love you so much." John continued.

"I love you too. So much. More than you could ever think." Freddie answered.  
-

At this moment he had felt so happy. They were promising their love forever. But, how could have John been lying all this time?

Now he knew he had made a mistake for coming to this place. He saw John, sitting at one table. A girl was walking to him with two coffee. She gave one to John, keeping the other for herself. She kissed John on the lips before sitting beside him.

A sudden feeling of dizziness went over Freddie's body. His sight getting blurry with tears. He couldn't move, he couldn't feel anything anymore. Of course the paparazzi had to come and make things worse.

"Freddie! What do you think of John's new girlfriend?"

"Did John really left you for her?

"Are you not together anymore because John cheated?"

He then you walked through them. More they talked more his mind was going crazy.

Since a few weeks, it was like his life was a thread. More he was hurting, more it was breaking. And now, seeing John moving on like this just destroyed him. The thread gave up. He gave up his life. 

He ran back home. He locked himself in the bathroom. He just let everything out. His sobs were louder than ever. He searched for anything that could just set him free. He took a blade and sat down on the cold floor.

Before he did anything, he thought of his family.

His father. He wasn't the encouraging and perfect father he always wished for. But, he was his father and he loved him like any son would love his father. 

His mother. She was the perfect mother. The shoulder to cry on that he needed. He loved her so much. She was always there when he felt low. But this time, not even the love of a mother couldn't heal the pain that he was feeling right now.

Kashmira. He loved her. How he loved her. She was the one that tried to help him the more. She did everything she could to make him happy. She was like a best friend for him but with the affection that any brother and sister would have.

Brian and Roger. Because yes, they were a part of his family. Brian was the one that he liked to talk with. He would always listen what he had to say even if he wasn't agreeing. He could tell him everything. And Roger was the one he liked to joke with. They loved teasing each other. Making fun of the other. He was the friend that made him smile no matter what.

John. There was too much to say about John. He loved him more than words could express. He wanted to be forever with him. To even have a family with him. He had never felt something so strong for someone. And he wished that this feeling was mutual.

If someone from the outside didn't know what happened the last weeks, he wouldn't understand why he was doing this. He would find it ridiculous just for Freddie to even just think about death. He would tell him that there are persons with bigger problems. That he had a perfect life. But this person wouldn't understand what he was feeling.

He knew he was only thinking of himself. He knew he would hurt the ones that loved him. He knew his fans would be either disappointed or devastated. But just that was a big weight on his shoulders. 

"I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Forgive me for being selfish. But I can't go on." He sobbed.

As he was about to let go, the door kicked open. His sister looking at him with fear in her eyes. The fear of losing him. She threw the blade away and took him quickly in her arms. The man was so broken. Never he had felt that much of pain. And he knew that there was people here for him, to listen to him, but all of this was too much.

She took him to his room. She laid him under the covers and she kissed his forehead before heading out to go see her father.

"I need to go somewhere. Can you keep an eye on Freddie for me?" She asked him.

He nodded his head and went to Freddie's room. Kashmira headed out. She took her car to go to John's house. He needed to know. And he needed to do something about it. 

She knocked almost violently on the door. A confused John opened the door.

"H-hey. Why are you here?" He asked.

"John. You need to come and see him. You need to fix this." She said desperately.

"I-I don't know Kashmira. I would love to, but I can't have my father knowing it. I never wanted to say no. My father treathened me to ruin us if we stayed together." He said.

"I don't care. John. I've never seen him like that. I don't think you ever saw him like that too. Please come." She pleaded.

"O-okay..." He said.

She smiled gratefully. They both went into her car. Most of the ride was silent until John spoke.

"How is he?"

"Well, he hasn't been out of bed since Chrismas until today. When he came back I just found him about to try to kill himself in the bathroom." She said.

"W-what?!" John exclaimed more panicked.

"I know. You too didn't knew that he could ever feel like that? This had never ever been in my mind." She said still not believing what happened.

Freddie's POV:

I heard a knock at my door. I hid myself under my covers.

"You can come in." I said.

The person entered in the room.

"Its papa." He said.

"Hey. What do you need?" I said sniffling.

He didn't answer. He walked to me. He took the covers away from my body, revealing my tear stained face. He sat on the chair that was beside my bed.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't make you proud." I said quietly.

He made a face that I couldn't describe. I didn't know what he was thinking. Maybe he was thinking of a way of telling that he wasn't. 

He said nothing. He did one thing that I never thought my father would do in my whole life. He took me in his arms. Tightly. And he told me something I never thought I would hear from him.

"You did make me proud Freddie."

I almost cried in his arms. I had never felt so close with him. He pulled away, looked at my soaked face and wiped away the tears. He laid me back on the bed. He pulled the covers over my body again and kissed my forehead. 

I couldn't describe correctly the feeling I felt right now. All I knew is that it was a good feeling.

I closed my eyes. A few minutes later he left the room, thinking I was sleeping. I opened my eyes again, scanning the dark room. There was still the old pictures and old thing that were in the room when I was younger. Everything was almost perfect when I was at this age. I was happy. I had almost everything I wished for. Almost. Brian, Roger and John weren't there at this moment. 

Then I thought about Brian and Roger. They didn't come one time since what happened. Maybe they didn't know. Maybe they didn't care. Maybe they were on John's side. Maybe they forgot about me.

Before I knew it, I fell asleep.

One month later

3rd person's POV:

John and Freddie were back together. The singer wished that he could say that he was happier. But he wasn't. He didn't even felt like John wanted to be with him. The younger man was distant. It was slowly killing Freddie.

Today was Valentines day. John didn't seem to remember. Freddie thought that maybe they could have a date this night or just have good time. But it didn't seem like it.

"I'm going to parent's house today. There's a family reunion." John told Freddie.

"Am I invited?" Freddie asked.

"Well, it's just that my parents don't know that we're back together. M-maybe an other day?" John said.

This was like a punch in the gut for Freddie. 

"T-they still don't know? A-are you ashamed of us?" Freddie asked on the verge of tears.

"N-no it's just that- You know what? Forget it. I have to go. I'll see you later. I have to get going." He said getting up to leave. 

He pecked Freddie's lips. 

"Have a good day." He said before leaving the house.

He didn't seem to understand that Freddie needed him. The singer picked the phone, holding the tears that could possibly wet his face. He dialed the number of the person he could trust the most. Kashmira's fiance was away for work so Freddie knew that she would avaible to see him. 

After a few minutes of talking, Kashmira invited him to come to her house.

A few hours later

Freddie was at his sister's house since a couple of hours. He did his best to act fine, not wanting to worry Kashmira. But he was destroyed inside. There wasn't this spark in Freddie's eye each time he thought of John.

"So, how is it going with John?" She asked smiling when they started eating.

The man let out a nervous laugh. He avoided any eyes contact, scratching the back of his neck. These actions made Kashmira frown.

"Are you two okay?" She asked worried.

"Y-yes. Well, not really... I-I don't think he wants to be with me, Kashmira." He blurted out.

"It's ridiculous. Why wouldn't he want to be with you? He loves you." She said.

"I don't think he does anymore Kashi. He doesn't even want to-" He was cut off by the phone ringing.

"I have to go and get it." She said before heading to the phone in the other room.

As soon as he knew that she was gone, he got up quietly. He opened the front door revealing the dark sky. He ran outside. His tears found their way to his cheeks. 

"I love you."

"I'll never leave you again."

"You make me so happy."

"I want a family so bad with you."

He ran as fast as he could. He tripped in the middle of the street. He looked at his hands. The blood shined at the moonlight. His salty tears mixed with it. 

They had so many dreams together. So many things they wanted to do. This time, it hurted more. John promised him. He said that it would never let it happen again. That he would never make him feel this way again.

Now, he just wanted to die. He wished that there was a car that wouldn't see him and just run over him. Killing him. Stoping this horrible feeling that he felt.

Brian's POV:

Me and Chrissie went on a date tonight. We were driving back home. The night was dark and the streets were quiet.

"Is this Freddie?!" Chrissie asked as we saw someone knelt in the middle of the street.

I could always recognise his body and his long midnight black hair. I quickly stopped the car and got out of it.

"Freddie?" I called him.

The older man got up and looked at me. His face was covered in tears. He tried to run away but I stopped him before he could. At a million miles away you could know that he wasn't okay. He looked at me.

"Kill me! Kill me Brian!" He yelled.

"What are you saying? Calm down Fred." I told him.

He then screamed falling on his knees. I tried to take him in my arms to calm him down. He tried to escape my grip my punching me in the stomach. I stayed still as he screamed and sobbed harder. I tightened my grip on him. He finally stopped fighting against me. 

"I'll take you back home, okay? I'm gonna take you to John." I said calmly.

His sobs got even harder and he held me tighter.

"Don't take me to him. Please Brian. Don't let me alone. Don't leave me Bri." He cried.

We stayed in the middle of street for a couple of minutes. After a moment he fell asleep in my arms. I carefully carried to the car. I layed him on the back seat. I walked back to my seat. I hugged my girlfriend, still shaken up.

I started driving again. When we were home, I carried Freddie again and I layed him on the bed of our room. He didn't move at all. I cleaned his hands covered in blood. I kissed his forehead and walked out of the room. I immediately called Roger. I told him to come quickly to my house. He arrived a few minutes after Chrissie left to see her friends.

"What happened?" He asked me.

"Me and Chrissie were going back from our date, we saw Freddie in the middle of the street. He was crying so I went to see him. He yelled at me to kill him. I tried to calm him but he started screaming. I tried to take him in my arms and he started punching me. He finally stopped and I told him I was taking him back home. He panicked and told me that he couldn't go back home and that he didn't want to see John. He fell asleep in my arms and I took him here." I explained.

"Did he hurt you?" He asked.

I showed my chest. There was a bruise forming and a little cut. 

"I'll be right back." He said.

I thought he was going to take things to clean my wound or something. I heard yelling and I quickly ran upstairs.

"Do you think you're the only one that matters?! You hurt him! He tried to help you and you fucking hurt him!" Roger was yelling.

I took his arm and dragged him downstairs. 

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" I yelled at him.

"He needed to know!" He answered.

"He fucking yelled at me to kill him! You're really not helping!" I told him.

He rolled his eyes.

"He had no right to hurt you Brian." He said.

"Do you think a bruise matters right now? You didn't see him. You didn't see him when he told me to kill him. You didn't see his eyes. I swear I thought he would break in front of me. How he sobbed. I could almost feel his pain Roger. This isn't the Freddie you know. This isn't the guy that is singing in front of thousands of people. This isn't the person who helped us get through our hardest times. I can't stop seeing him falling to the floor, screaming. It was so scary. I thought we were losing him at this moment Rog." I said.

He took me gently in his arms. I did my best to not break down. It wasn't the time. We stayed like that for a few minutes. When we pulled away, Freddie was there standing in front of us.

"I've got to go." He said before running out.

I looked at Roger with wide eyes. 

"Go." He said.

"Call John." I told him.

I ran after Freddie. He was standing in the middle of the street. There was a car approaching him. It didn't see him. Before it could hit him, I pulled him by the arm. I pulled him into a hug. His whole body was shaking.

"We are here for you Freddie. Don't ever forget it. You're not alone."

He sobbed quietly. This was the worst night if my whole life. 

One hour later

John's POV:

After Brian told me what happened, I went to see Freddie. I sat beside the bed he was laying in. I observed his tear stained face. I took his hand in mine, kissing his knuckles. I let the tears that I was holding fall.

"Oh I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I didn't know what I was doing. I was scared, so scared." I said to him.

"I thought you were happy with me John."

"I'm so happy with you baby. So happy. I love you so much and I'll never tell you enough." I said.

He leaned in to hug. I happily hugged him back. I separated our bodies and I cupped his face to kiss him passionately. He pulled away blushing.

"I can't stay away from you." I said truthfully.

Three months later

"John!" I heard from upstairs.

I walked quickly upstairs to find Freddie still in bed.

"I'm cold! Come and cuddle!" He told me giggling.

"If you're cold you should put socks on!" I teased him.

"I have some on me already! Look! I put on the fluffy ones!" He said as he lifted his feet in the air showing me his feet.

"Then put on an other blanket!" I joked.

"Pwease...!" He pouted.

I smiled at his silliness. 

"I can't say no to that face."

I layed beside him and took him in my arms. His belly was starting to be really big. He sighed happily. I looked at his perfect little face.

"Its better." He said smiling.

One month later

I put on the best clothes I had. I waited for Freddie to cone back from his day with his sister. I didn't know if I should have been nervous or not. But I was.

The door opened, Freddie entered. I smiled at him. He looked so happy. He walked to me. I took his face in my hands to kiss him.

"Why are you dressed like that?" He asked.

"You'll see." I said.

The box in my pants seemed so heavy. I sat him on the couch. He looked at me confused.

"I have to do something tonight. This should have happened sooner. The first time it messed up and I can't be sorry enough for what happened. This time its my turn to do it. I love you so much Freddie. I can't live without you. Since I first saw you, I knew that we were meant to be together." I said.

Tears ran down his face. He covered his mouth with his hands. He knew what was coming. I got down on knee and I took the little box. I opened it to reveal the ring. He let out a sob.

"Will you marry me?" I ask smiling.

He got up and threw himself in my arms. He sobbed. I knew it wasn't of sadness. He pulled away and looked at me in the eyes.

"Yes." He said.

I took his hand in mine and put the ring on his finger. I kissed him as roughly as I could. He then looked at me with wide eyes.

"W-what about your parents?" He asked.

"Screw them!" I said picking him up bridal style.

He laughed so hard. I could never get enough of his laugh. I ran to our bedroom. I threw him on the bed.

"I'm gonna make love to you tonight." I whispered.

"I love you so much." He said happily.

Two months later

This morning, I woke up by kisses. I opened my eyes and saw Freddie on top of me.

"Good morning Johnny!" He smiled.

"Good morning. You look so beautiful." I told him pecking his lips.

He blushed.

"I want to tell my parents today. About the engagement and what's growing in my stomach." He told me.

A few hours later

We were at Freddie's parent's house. Kashmira, her fiance, Brian and Roger came too. We were all eating.

"We have something to tell you." I declared.

Freddie looked at me smiling. I took his hand in mine and I showed it to everyone. They congratulated us.

"It's not all." I said.

Freddie got up quickly. He ran happily to take something he left in the living room. He was almost jumping. Everyone laughed at how he was acting. I looked at him lovingly. I was so in love with this man. He walked again to us and gave a picture of the last echography we had to each person.

Kashmira gasped.

"Is there two babies?" She asked.

Freddie approached her and he pointed something on the picture.

"Actually... There's three baby..." He said.

"There's two girls and one boy." I said.

Everyone looked at us. My fiance laughed. I looked at him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He was so adorable.

One month later

We were there. Sitting in a hospital room. Freddie was sleeping, exhausted because of his tough day. On of our baby girl was sleeping in his arms and our two other babies were in mine.

I couldn't believe this was happening. We were a family. I was so happy. A few months ago, it was a mess. And now we were holding our babies and we were going to get married soon. 

I looked at my fiance. Even when he was sleeping, he looked perfect. I loved him more than anything. He gave me what I always wished for, a family. It felt so unreal. Yesterday, we were two and now we are five. I kissed Freddie's head and whispered:

"I love you."


	13. Sick Thoughts (Deacury)

John's POV:

I brought tea to Freddie. Since a few years, him and I were together. I thought I would see him still asleep in the bed. He was standing in front of the mirror, looking at his body.

"Fuck." I heard him whisper.

His voice was wavering as he checked his shoulders.

"Fred?" 

He jumped, not expecting to see me.

"J-John. You're h-here." He said.

He held his robe tight against himself. He looked nervous.

"Are you okay?" I asked him.

"I-I'm fine." He smiled. 

I frowned. I walked to him and gave him his tea. He avoided my eyes. We sat on the bed and sipped our tea. Since a few weeks, he looked anxious and different. He would almost never want to touch me.

I put my cup on the table beside our bed. I took his empty cup and let it beside mine. He finally looked at me. I looked at his eyes. There wasn't that little spark in them anymore. I took him in my arms. He seemed hesitant at the beggening, he relaxed after a moment.

"I love you John." He said quietly.

I could hear his voice trembling. He was worrying me a lot. I didn't ask any questions, worried that I would upset him more. We pulled away and I kissed him.

Later that night

I missed his body. Being able to touch his perfect forms and every part of him. I was addicted to the feeling of his body against mine. I missed being able to love him. So, I tried tonight to make him feel good. 

We were only kissing for the moment. He was good as always, but he seemed distant. He wasn't putting all his love in it. I tried to remove the same robe as this morning from him.

He quickly stopped everything. He looked at me with an expression I couldn't understand. He looked scared, anxious, sad.

"I-I can't John. I'm too tired today. I don't really feel like it." He said. 

He placed himself on the bed, ready to go to sleep. I went behind him and went in the position we had every night. He sighed deeply. 

A few days later

Freddie's POV:

I woke up, feeling the hands of my lover on my neck and my shoulders. It felt good. His hands were warm. Then I realised, he wasn't supposed to see this. I panicked and pulled away from him. I got out of bed.

"What are those marks on your skin?" He asked.

I put my silk robe back on me. I began shaking, I didn't know what to answer to him. I couldn't tell him. I couldn't do that.

"N-nothing." I said before walking to the bathroom.

John followed me. I closed the door behind me before he could enter. He asked me to open the door. I didn't answer anything. He kept begging me to open the door. I didn't want him to leave me.

He probably already was disgusted. Why would he want me when I was like that? I was disgusted by my own body. I looked at the red and purple marks. I wished I could go back in time. Not make the same mistakes. 

If he knew any of this, he would leave me. So I kept it from him. Maybe I was making an other mistake. Probably. But I had no choice. I heard John walking away. I let myself fall to the floor. I wasn't gonna get out of that. I was stuck now.

I was trying so hard to not get emotional, but I couldn't help it. The tears fell on my face. How was I gonna do? I couldn't keep it away from him forever. He would figure it out himself at one point.

The day after

I tried to shave the little beard forming on my face. I finished by cutting myself on the cheek. It bled a lot. I screamed in pain a bit too loud. John ran in.

I had to yell at him to leave. He would only want to help me. After a few minutes I achieved to get him out. My heart was beating so fast. My hands were shaking and I was almost panicking. I couldn't let him near me in these situations.

When I came downstairs to eat lunch, he was waiting at the table. He looked up at me.

"What's going on Freddie? I don't recognise you anymore. You're so distant." He said.

"I-I'm okay John. I'm just a bit anxious about the new album." I lied.

"Have you been cheating on me?"

"Excuse me? Are you really accusing me of cheating on you?" I said.

I was mad. Mad that he thought that I would do it. I loved him with all my heart. I couldn't do that to him. 

"Its exactly like that that you acted last time it happened Freddie." He told me.

I couldn't believe that he was bringing this up again. It happened years ago. It was a mistake and I would never do it again.

"Are you sick? Is that it?" He continued to ask.

"I'm not sick!" I yelled at him.

Later that night

We went to the restaurant with Roger and Brian. We walked through the streets. I saw the journal.

New persons killed by that mysterious disease called Aids

I couldn't help but feel my eyes sting. It was what was gonna happen to me. There was no way I would survive this. John looked at me. He seemed to ask me if I was fine without words. I nodded. 

We entered in the restaurant, we ordered our food and the guys started talking. I didn't really listen. I was lost in my thought. I wasn't hungry. I heard my name being called multiple times. I looked up at Brian. He was calling for me.

"We were asking you when you think the next tour should be." He said.

I felt my chest hurting. You can't tell them Freddie. I didn't know what to say. I began to feel nervous. My heart was racing. They were all looking at me. I took a long breathe. 

"Maybe we could wait a bit until our album is ready to determine." I said.

They all nodded. Relief filled my body. I couldn't keep it away from them. I knew I wouldn't be able to perform. 

A few days later

John found the letter with the results for the Aids test. He got so mad at me. He yelled at me for lying to him and for being selfish. I stayed silent all that time. I couldn't say anything. I didn't have the right to. He stormed out, taking some of his things. He left me.

I looked at the door for a long time, wishing it was dream, wishing he would come back. The door didn't open again. I sobbed. All my body was hurting. I was already feeling cold, because of the lack of his presence. 

I went to my bed. I tried to sleep but I couldn't. I missed his body around mine. Holding me to make me feel safe. He wasn't coming back. I held Delilah in my arms. She tried to leave. I wouldn't let her. I wouldn't let her leave me too. 

After a month, John went to take more of his things. I watched him. He threw the things I gave him in the garbage. He threw away our marriage picture. He let his wedding ring on the table. I could only wait for the divorce paper as much as I didn't want to.

We didn't really talk in 6 months. Brian and Roger came a few times. I cried when I was alone, which was a lot. John told them about Aids. When they came the day after John left, I didn't talk. They talked to me. I stayed frozen. I couldn't look at them. I couldn't look at myself.

After one year, we started recording again. Our album The Miracle was released. John would barely look at me. I tried to talk to him. I was already really sick. We started recording Brian's song: These Are The Days Of Our Lives. I related so much to this song. 

It was the time to do the video. I went to the studio where we did it. I could hardly walk. I wished John could have been there to help me. To tell me that everything was gonna be okay. But I didn't believe that everything was gonna be okay. Not anymore.

We started to turn the clip. I had to stay at the same place. I tried to not show it, but all my body was aching. Luckily, we didn't have to film the scenes again. Roger helped me to walk to a chair. He gave me a glass of water.

"You don't have to hold me. I can walk." I told him.

He didn't answer anything.

"How are you Fred?" He asked me.

"I'm okay. Just really tired."

I hated the tell people I was suffering. It made me feel weak. I felt myself dying more and more everyday. I wasn't ready. 

"Where's John?" I asked him.

He was already no where to be seen.

"He's at home." He said.

"Home." I sighed.

"Just give him a bit of time okay?" He told me.

" I don't have time Roger. And he's happy without me. I can't get that away from him." I said.

He shook his head.

"He's not happy Fred. He wants to go back to you again. He told me countless times that he wished he hadn't left you. He loves you." Roger told me.

"O-okay. I'm gonna go back to Garden Lodge. I think I'm gonna go sleep a bit." I told him.

He nodded and helped me to go to the car. He hugged me. Maybe his grip was toot ight on me, but I didn't care. I needed it.

"Take care, Fred." He said smiling.

I smiled back and closed the door of the car. 

A week later

We were still working on albums. We wanted to do as much as we could until... We'll until we could anymore. I arrived late to the studio. I wasn't feeling well. Its was like having an hangover, without the alcohol and ten times worse.

I opened the big doors of the studio. They were all sitting at a table, talking. I walked over to them with the help of my cane. I had a hard time just standing up. They looked at me and asked how I was. I explained why I was late. Without giving too much details.

"You should hire someone to take care of you Fred." John said.

I looked at him. I didn't want to have to yell at him that I only needed him.

"I don't need anyone." I answered.

"Maybe not now but eventually you'll need someone to help you everyday." 

I looked as John talked. I couldn't take it anymore? I felt it inside me. The anger slowly rising in myself. Then I bursted.

"WHAT DO YOU KNOW OF WHAT I NEED?!" I yelled at him.

They all looked at me. Wide eyes. 

"You weren't there when I needed you. You left me. Why should you care about me?" I said.

"I needed time to myself." He said calmly.

I was so mad.

"YOU NEEDED ONE YEAR AND A HALF?!" I yelled again.

I started coughing. So hard that it made all my band mates jump. I couldn't stop myself. I saw the blood on my hand and some on the table. I felt a hand rubbing my back. It was scaring me. How much I was deteriorating. It was happening too fast.

When I calmed myself, I looked at my shaking hand. Little drops of blood were on it. There was as much on the table. I couldn't look at my bandmates. See their expressions.

"I think I'm gonna go back home guys. I need some rest. I'll be fine tomorrow." I told them.

They all agreed. I walked outside slowly. Terry drove me back home. I entered my house. It was cold and dark. I let a few tears fall down on my face. But it wasn't of pain. I didn't care of the pain anymore. I wished I wasn't so alone. I missed having someone to talk to, to cuddle with, to kiss. I wished I didn't make the mistake of lying. I was wished John was still there to love me.

John's POV:

I didn't know how to react. I wished I didn't see him like that. His painful coughs echoed in my head. I closed my eyes, trying to understand what was happening. I couldn't.

I looked at Roger and Brian. At least I wasn't the only one that looked worried. 

"Fuck John. Go see him! Are you waiting that it's too late?" Roger exclaimed.

"Rog-" Brian tried to talk.

"No! He's dying! I don't understand Why you act like you don't fucking care! He needs you and you make him feel like he doesn't mean anything to you!" Roger yelled.

I got up from my seat. That was it. I needed to be there for him. I took my cat and I drove to his house. I couldn't wait into I didn't have the chance to apologise to him. When I was there, I knocked on his door. It took a few minutes for it to open. 

"Sorry to make you wait. Its not as quick as before." He said not daring to look at me.

"Its okay." I answered.

"What were you here for?" He asked me.

I looked at him. No more words. I kissed him. I missed his lips. He was shocked. He soon kissed me too. He let me enter in his house. Maybe our house? I helped him to walk to his room. I took him in my arms. We laid on the bed. We didn't say anything. I missed him so much. 

Freddie's POV:

I couldn't believe it. I was in his arms. We were together. We looked into each other's for a long time. I missed having the warm of his body around me. I put my face in the crook of his neck. I inhaled his scent, trying to believe what was happening.

"I'm sorry." He said.

"I doesn't matter." I said to him smiling.

"It does. I shouldn't have left you. I basically left because you were scared. You needed me and I wasn't there for you." He said truthfully.

"Lets not talk about that okay? We're together. That's all that matters isn't it?" I told him.

He nodded and we kissed. My heart was full.

John's POV:

"No! Please! Fred- Don't leave me! You promised! Don't do this do me!"

I screamed as loud as I could. The tears ran down my face. Brian and Roger held me so I wouldn't ran to him. I hoped all of this was a nightmare. I sobbed. My body shook. I was broken. 

They took his body away. I watched them do it. He was gone. He left me. I screamed again, feeling like I was gonna die. I tried to calm myself but I couldn't. I couldn't live without him. I already missed him.

Roger and Brian tried to hug me and tell me everything was gonna be fine, but they were crying too. I knew I would never be able to live normally again. He would always be there.

I was sure that No matter what happened to him, he would never be forgotten. He would be loved forever, my Freddie.


	14. The New Boy (Deacury)

3rd person's POV

It was Freddie's first day at school. He was so nervous. He didn't know why, but he knew that it wasn't gonna happen like he wanted. He breathed deeply. He walked through the door of his first class. The teacher directly turned around to face him.

"You must be the new student!" She exclaimed.

Freddie nodded slightly.

"Everyone, I present you Freddie Bulsara, he is gonna be in this class. He is new to this school so I would appreciate if you all would be kind to him." She said to the class.

She told Freddie to find a seat. He walked through the desk. He was about to sit on a chair but the guy sitting on the seat beside quickly put his bag on it. Freddie finally sat on a chair at the back of the class. He tried to listen to what the teacher was saying. 

He looked around the class. He saw a boy, he was simply looking perfect. With his long and light brown hair, his beautiful eyes and his perfectly formed mouth. Freddie took his sketchbook, he couldn't help but draw him.

The guy sitting beside him looked at his drawing. He took the book away from Freddie. He tear the page from it and took the drawing without letting Freddie say no. The guy named Christ approached Freddie's head.

"I know you're a fag, Bucky." He whispered in his ear.

The new student looked away feeling himself starting to feel emotional. He knew it would happen. He was used to it. He was the perfect victim.

The class ended and he saw Christ give John his drawing. He quickly walked out. He kept his head low. He felt someone standing in front of him. He lifted his head up. A friend of Christ named David threw his things to the floor.

"Did you think you would have it easy, Bucky?" David said.

Freddie quickly took his things on the floor and walked to the other direction.

One month later

Freddie told his parents that school was great. That he had friends, good teachers, that he liked it. It was the total opposite. Today, David and Chris found him writing a song. They walked through the hallways, reading out loud the lyrics.

"Each morning I get up I die a little!" 

"Can anybody find me somebody to love?" They read.

Everyone was laughing while Freddie tried to take the text back. He saw John, he was laughing a bit too. Something broke inside him. Since he came to this school, he dreamed of John everyday.

Freddie's POV:

I walked to the bathroom. I found an open stall and entered in it. Since I arrived, I ate there. There was no one in the cafeteria that I could sit with. I opened my lunch box and started to eat.

After I finished, I directly went to the next class. I had maths. During the class, the teacher asked a question. I failed to answer it. David laughed behind me. I turned around and gave him a dark look. He threw his scissors at me, it gave me a cut on the cheek.

I winced in pain and the teacher looked at me. He immediately told me to go to the infirmary.

"John, would you go with Freddie?" He asked.

John nodded and got up to go with me. We walked in silence. He didn't even look at me. How could he like me?

"How did you cut you cheek?" He asked.

"I-I just cut myself with my scissors accidentally." I lied.

He looked at me.

"I know what they're doing to you Freddie. Everyone knows it." He said.

I avoided his look. He knew. I wanted to tell at him. To ask him why he never helped me. But maybe he didn't really care.

"David threw his scissors at me." I whispered.

He nodded. 

"Why did I never see you in the cafeteria?" He changed the subject.

"I-I don't eat there. I eat in the bathroom." I said embarrassed.

"Why?" He asked.

"You ask a lot of questions." I said slightly laughing.

He laughed too.

"I don't have any friends, John. I don't have anywhere to go. Nobody wants to talk to me. I think you're the only one who talked to me to say something other than insults since the beggening of school." I said.

I was starting to find it hard. All this weight on my shoulders. John only nodded. He couldn't care less. We arrived to the infirmary and they put a bandage on my cut. We went back to class and I didn't talk to John again for the day.

I went back home this day and my parents asked me why I was hurt. I said that I did it in the art class while working. They seemed to believe me. I walked to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me. I took a razor. I slid down the wall. 

I took the blade and made a cut on my wrist. I let them out, the first tears. Nobody wanted me. I wasn't enough for anybody. I heard my mom calling me to go eat. I cleaned myself and went downstairs. Everything happened like any other day.

A week later

Today I had gym. We played basketball. Of course, David's gang did everything they could to make me fail. At the end of the game, they threw the ball at my head. I fell to the floor. Everyone was laughing at me. I started to get up and I looked around. John was laughing too with his friend. I guess he didn't really care about me.

The day after

After school, I didn't come back home directly. I went to the music class. There was no one in there. I liked to go and play piano. It would almost always make my day better. I always wished I was a professional player. 

I played. It was the only thing that could keep me alive. Music. The last thing that ever made me happy. My only escape from life. But there was always someone to ruin things.

As I played, I felt my head slam against the tiles of the piano. I felt blood trickling down my eyebrow. The pain was so intense, I tried not to scream. I looked behind me to see who it was. Chris. 

"What do you want?" I asked, trying to not show that I was petrified.

"I wanted to end all of this. My ears hurt because of your bad playing." He said.

I saw John, walking in front of the door of the music class. He stopped to look at me then he just continued his walk.

After a few minutes, I managed to get out of school. I arrived home. My parents asked me why I was bleeding. I found any excuses so they could leave me alone. I cleaned the wound and went to eat when it was time.

My parents looked at me.

"How was your day Farrokh?" My mom asked me.

"It was great." I said smiling.

We ate in silence. I heard my father sighed.

"Your friend John talked to us." He said.

My head shot up quickly.

"He told us what's happening at school. Why didn't you tell us?" My mom said sweetly.

I didn't say anything. I looked down at my plate. I couldn't believe John told them. Why did he care to go and talk to them?

"We're gonna go and talk to your principal tomorrow." 

"No!" I said panicked.

"Our decision has already been taken." My father said.

"We're gonna make it stop." My mother continued.

I got up and ran to my room. They both called after me but I locked my door. I felt the tears fill my eyes. This couldn't be happening. They couldn't talk to the principal. I would be killed. 

I didn't sleep of all night. I felt the anxiety raise in myself as I saw the hours pass. I got up when I was time. I didn't bother eating anything. I left the house and walked to school. Nobody talked to me. I saw that John was avoiding me.

In the middle of my second class, Dave and Chris got called by the principal. This was it. When they passed by my desked they made my pencil case fall to the floor. John was in front of me. He helped me pick up my pencils. I thanked him and he slightly smiled. 

Later that day, we got told that they have been expulsed for one day.

What I was afraid of happening happened. Two days later, I went to school. I knew they were back. I've never been so stressed. I tried to avoid them as much as possible. But after the classes, they followed me to my locker. There wasn't anyone around. 

They pinned me to the wall. I felt Chris's fist against my right cheek and Dave's feet on my left leg. 

"That's what you get for being a cry baby!" One of them yelled.

I slid down the wall and closed my eyes. The tears flowed down my face. I heard them walk away. I covered my bruised cheek with my hand. The pain only kept increasing. 

Someone walked near me. I didn't bother hiding myself. I didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore. My head kept pounding painfully. 

"Hey, are you okay?" Someone asked.

I could always recognise his voice. His sweet voice. I slowly opened my eyes. John was sitting on his knees in front of me. He wrapped his arms around my body. I felt the warm of his body against mine. He smelled like vanilla. I fell in love with him even more if it was possible. 

I held him as tight as possible. He didn't pull away one second. My heart was pounding so fast. I felt the butterflies in my stomach. I wanted this moment to never end. I felt myself starting to cry again.

"Hey, its okay. Don't cry." He told me.

I pulled away a bit. I looked in his eyes. He was so beautiful. He smiled at me, showing the cute gap between his two front teeth. I wanted to kiss him so badly.

"C-can I-" I started to ask.

He nodded. I filled the space between our lips. He cupped my face with his hands. I felt my heart my explode in my chest. His lips tasted like cherry. 

"Fag!" Someone yelled passing by.

I quickly pulled away to yell back.

"I don't fucking care!" I said laughing.

John and me both giggled as the person walked past us with a look of disgust. John stood up and gave me a hand to stand up too. We walked to his car. He took me to his house. 

He led me to his room. His parents weren't there. He told me to call my parents to day I was staying at his house. When I did, my mother sounded shocked. 

He made us something to eat. He told me more about himself. I listened to every word he said, loving each time his mouth opened to let a sound out. He asked about me.

"There's not much to say." I shrugged.

He lean in and kisses me sweetly. 

"I'm sorry I didn't help you sooner." John said. 

I looked at him. His eyes seemed sad.

"Its fine John. I know I deserve what's happening to me. Maybe I should have died in my country during the war. I wonder sometimes how my parents still want me in their house. They're probably so ashamed of me. I try so hard to be happy. But it seems like I've already lost my fight." I said sadly.

I brought my knees to my chest. The tears easily found their way on my face. John looked at me. He moved his body closer to mine.

"Why haven't you talked to someone about how you feel?" John asked. 

"Who? I don't have anyone. I don't even know what having a friend feels like John."

My voice cracked. I had lost hope so long ago.

"Now you have me and I'll be your friend." He said.

"Friend?" I asked, trying to hide my disappointment. 

"Or even boyfriend. If you want to." He said smiling. 

He took me in his arms again. I wrapped mine around his torso. I kissed him with all my love. After a few minutes, we went on his couch. He laid me on him. I put my head in the crook of his neck. I couldn't believe it was real. I kept thinking it was a dream. But it wasn't.

Two months later

John and I were happy. I was happy. We were almost always together. I had the chance to present him as my boyfriend to my parents. Surprisingly, they were happy. I came to his house a few times to sleep. I loved him so much. 

Sometimes, in the morning, he would come and pick me up to go to school. When he didn't, we would meet at a tree in front of the school. He would stay with me all day. Make sure I'm not hurt or that nobody hurts me. I met his two friends one time. They didn't seem like they liked me a lot. They were named Brian and Roger. The only time we ate together, the dinner ended when they said nasty comments about me. John stopped talking to them since. I loved him, but I wasn't worth him leaving everything for me.

I loved everything about him. How he would hold my hand everywhere. How he would kiss my cheek to make me feel better. How he would take me in his arms when I'm tired. How he would simply be there for me.

But this morning was different. I came to school, John wasn't anywhere. I checked his locker, I checked our first class. He was no where to be seen. He didn't tell me anything about him being gone. That's when all my insecurities came back. Maybe they were all right. Maybe he finally understood who I really was and left me. Because that's what everyone does. 

My day started badly. No cute notes from John. No sweet faces from him. I tried to concentrate on my work. But I couldn't. I kept imaginating every thing that could have happened. But I always finished by thinking he just hated me. 

When it was dinner, I went to the cafeteria thinking John would be there like usual. But to my disappointment, he wasn't. I saw Brian and Roger. Brian quickly put his backpack on the seat beside him, telling me I couldn't sit with them. So I ate in the washroom, like I first did. I went to my classes after the lunch. I still wasn't able to do anything. 

After school, I went to his house. I knocked on the door. There was no answer, even after a few minutes. So I left, defeated. I came back home. My mom asked me why John wasn't with me. I just shrugged. I told them I wasn't hungry. I went to my bed. I felt so empty. I was cold without him. I finally managed to cry myself to sleep. 

Five days later

He was gone since five days. I already managed to get punched on my right eye. I had a black eye. Someone also kicked me in the stomach. There was now a bruise. My parents asked a lot of questions. I didn't answer one of them. 

Life at school was a nightmare. When I ate, I went in the washroom. But I didn't eat a lot since he was gone. So it wasn't that bad. Some persons saw John wasn't at school. They mostly told me he left me because he didn't really loved me. Or that he got tired of me. They were probably right. 

I went to his house all days after school. I never had an answer. So I just left, after crying all the tears I had and banging on the door. My heart was breaking. Soon, I'll be completely destroyed. But its fine. I deserve it anyway.

Ten days later

I was now completely heartbroken. I now knew John wouldn't come back. It has been two weeks and a day since John was gone. I had been living a fucking nightmare. I was hit a few other times. It left bruises on my body. I felt so alone. I was scared of going back to school. Because I knew there were new horrible things coming for me. 

My parents kept asking questions. And I kept silent. I didn't want to talk to anyone anymore. I just wanted to be in John's arms. I wanted to be happy again. That's all I needed. I just wanted John. But he didn't want me. 

I went to his house again. The same things happened again. I knocked on the door loudly. I cried again. I was so fucking tired. I sat on the few stairs of their porch. I held my head in my hands. I couldn't stop sobbing. 

I heard a car. Parking near from me. I slowly looked up. It was John. I couldn't believe it. John was here. He opened his door. He walked out of the car. 

"Fred?" He called confused.

I ran into his arms. I kept crying. He rubbed my back. I was so relieved. I could still feel his warmness. 

"I thought you wouldn't come back. I thought you left me." I cried. 

"Never. Maybe you should go home now. We'll see each other at school. Okay?" He said. 

I nodded and went back home. This time my mom asked me why I looked so happy. I didn't answer more. But I was still wondering why he told me to leave.

The day after

I went to school again today. Weirdly John wasn't at our tree like I expected him to be. I entered in the school. He wasn't at his locker. I went to mine. That's when the nightmare began.

I saw David approaching me. He went beside me. Flipped my body so I was facing him and my back was agains the lockers. He smirked at me. I thought he was gonna hit me. But he did way worse.

He called his friends. I didn't really listened to what he said to them. I was too concentrated on the thoughts running in my head. Everyone was laughing while they looked at me. They did a half circle around us. 

"Wanna see what John and the day looks like while they're making out?" He said grinning.

All my body tensed as I felt his hands on the side of my body. He ran his hand on my leg while he faked moaned.

"Oh! Freddie!" He yelled.

I didn't listen again to what he was saying or how much everyone was laughing. I just kept feeling his hands on my body. Everywhere I didn't want him to be near. I tried to push him away. But I couldn't. I wasn't strong enough.

John's POV:

I heard people laughing near my locker.

"Oh! Freddie!" Someone yelled.

I walked more quickly. There was a circle of person looking at something. I couldn't see what it was. There was too much people. I slightly pushed a few of them to see what was going on. My heart sank as I saw it.

I saw the tears on Freddie's face. He tried to get away from David. He was doing everything he could. But it was useless. I couldn't help but think about what he was feeling right now. All alone. Having nobody to save him. 

I walked through the people more. I went to David. He didn't look at me as he was too concentrated on Freddie. The dirty fucking bastard. I punched him. Right in the jaw. He backed away.

"The show's over! Leave now!" I shouted at them.

Freddie began sobbing when everyone was gone. 

"I'm s-so sorr-ry. I didn't want any if this." he sobbed.

I took him in my arms. All his body shook. After a few minutes we decided to skip classes because we knew Freddie wouldn't be able to handle it. We went in my car. I drove us in my house. We went in my bed. We cuddled together. 

I ran my hand up and down his leg. He removed my hands gently. Instead, he got closer to me and wrapped his arms around my torso. We relaxed all day. My parents weren't coming home until tomorrow night.

Later, we stayed together in the bed again. He rolled over me. Kissed me passionately on my lips. He put his hands in my hair as I did the same. 

"A-are you ready t-to-" I started to ask.

He nodded. He began removing slowly my clothes. I did the same with his after. And we made love. Both of us for the first time. We loved each other and nothing could change that.


	15. Wrong (Deacury)

Freddie's POV:

I would never understand how it ended up like that. How I would end up sitting as far as possible from my house, with a broken heart. All alone. Nobody was searching for me. Nobody wanted to find me. There's no reason for living with a broken heart. 

Here's how it began:

John and I were together for a few years. We loved each other deeply. But we both had personal problems. John's father had died recently. He had to take even more anxiety meds then he was taking normally. 

And me, I had so much insecurities. Maybe since I was born. I always thought I didn't deserve John. I never understood why he wanted to be with me. But he was always there to tell me he loved me. That he would never leave me. Until that day.

John was at a friend's. I stayed home because I wanted to write songs. I had a lot of ideas in my head. We were currently making the album A Night At The Opera. My head was filled with hundreds of lyrics ideas.

Recently, I had been fighting a lot with Brian. We wouldn't get along and decide properly on what we would do on the songs. He just hated me. Like everyone did.

I missed John so much. I was so alone right now. I hated to be alone. I heard the door opening. My head shot up from excitement. I ran to the door. John was standing there. I crushed him in a hug. 

I almost fell when he harshly pushed me away from him. And that's when my heart started breaking. That's the moment everything fucked up. 

"Get away from me!" He yelled.

I walked a few steps away from him when I felt him so harsh and aggressive. I was taken aback. He was always so gentle and sweet. What have I done wrong? 

Oh. Maybe he decided to finally tell me the truth. To stop pretending he loved me. To treat me the way I really deserved.

"W-what is it J-John?" I asked.

Why couldn't I fucking talk properly?

"Just leave me the fuck alone Freddie. I don't need you to be a burden right now." He said walking toward me.

I let him push me against the table. The corner of it entered exactly in the middle of my back. I tried to hold back the tears. It was feeling a lot harder to breathe, feeling too brokenhearted. I'm sure you know what I mean.

I passed the night on the couch, I ignoring the fact that it was hard and uncomfortable. I deserved it. 

The next morning, John didn't really talk to me. When he did he was being as mean as yesterday. We went to the studio. John took the car. He let me walk there. After half an hour of walking, I arrived there. Brian was angry at me for being late.

John ignored me all the session. Roger was finding it weird. I didn't. We went back home. When I arrived in the house after John, he hurted me again. He slapped me on the left cheek, kicked me in the stomach. It's fine. I deserved it.

I called Roger. I asked him to come to our house. I told him I needed him. He told me he would be there as soon as he could. 

John walked down the stairs after a few minutes. I walked after him. I asked him what was going on with him. He turned around to look at me. He took me back to our room. 

"You want to know what's the fucking problem?" He yelled at me.

I didn't move. He shoved me to the wall. He took me by my shoulders. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't see his face.

"The problem is you Freddie! You're always asking for attention! You always cry for nothing! You're useless! Everyone hates you! You're a burden for everyone! You ruin everything you touch! I've been staying by your side and ruined my life by doing it! And all you do to thank me is cheating on me! You're just an ugly fucking fag! No wonder everyone leaves you, no one can fucking love you! Everything is fucking wrong about you Freddie! And I fucking hate you!" He yelled.

The tears were running down my face. I slowly lifted my eyes with my eyes still closed. I opened my eyes too. But I shouldn't have. I didn't want to see his face full of hate.

"I hate myself too." I answered.

I walked away as quickly as I could. 

"Fred-" He tried to call for me.

"No... Don't bother John. Its okay." I told him slightly smiling.

Then I ran away. I looked at my left hand. The tears fell even more on my face as I looked at the diamond ring on my ring finger. I removed it from my hand. I placed it on the counter of the kitchen. I quickly took a paper and a pen.

I'm sorry I became a part of your life. I guess everything you did was a mistake for you. It never will be for me and I hope you know it. I give you back this ring, hoping you'll be able to give it to someone you really love. Not someone you felt bad for.

I'll always love you,  
Freddie the burden :)

And my race started again. I placed the paper under the ring and ran away again. Roger was standing beside his car, about to enter in our house. He called for me when I ran past him.

"Are you fucking serious Fred?!" He shouted.

But I didn't stop. I continued to get away from everything. I don't think I ever ran that fast. All my body was hurting. My head was running with thoughts. Then I ended up at my hiding spot. Where I would go each time I wanted to get away from everything. And it had been so long since I've been here.

That's what happened. 

I sat on the little bench beside the lamppost. My sobs were painful. My heart was teared apart. He didn't love me. Since the beginning, I knew it. And now, he finally told me. But I never knew it would hurt that much.

I decided to go to a bar. Maybe it would be great to just feel numb. When I sat on a seat beside a counter, I heard people yelling. I looked to see what was happening. There was a man taking a woman by the wrist. She was trying to get away from him, but he wouldn't let her go.

I walked to them when I realised no one else tried to help her. The guy looked at me with unimpressed eyes. I punched him in the jaw. He let go of the woman. Unfortunatly, he was way more strong than me. I pushed me a few times too. 

I was becoming slightly dizzy. A few dozens of people made a circle around us. It was the best time. I took a knife from the counter beside us. I put it in the man's hand. I took his wrist in my hand and quickly took it to my stomach. The knife entered in the low part of my chest. 

I smiled at the guy. 

"Thank you, darling." I told him.

His eyes widened. I didn't get the chance to see more of his reaction as I fell to the floor. I could still hear the screams and the cries echoing in my head. I could see the blood flowing all around me. My sight was becoming blurry. I didn't fight to hold my eyes open. And it felt so good, to be finally dead.

Roger's POV:

John was a big mess. He kept crying about what he did and what he said. He told me everything. And now I felt bad about shouting at Freddie. I understood now why he was running away like that.

John broke down again when he saw Freddie's little letter with their engagement ring. He blamed himself for everything. He just wished Freddie would come back home and they could be the way they used to be a few days ago. 

I called Brian. I told him to come to John and Freddie's house. When he arrived, he looked panicked. He asked us if we got any call. We told him we didn't. Then he explained everything to us. I was so shocked I only heard a few words. Knife, Freddie, blood, hospital, fight, drunk.

Nothing was clear in my head. I just know I was in total panic. John was bawling his eyes out. Still blaming himself. I tried to make him feel better but it was hard since I was crying too. 

We arrived at the hospital. They told us he normally would be fine. He would just have to stay a week or two at the hospital. As soon as we could go see him, John left. We were barely able to talk to the singer since he woke up very late. He didn't talk a lot to us. But he seemed heartbroken. 

John didn't come one time to the hospital. I was mad at him. So mad. It had already been two weeks. Tomorrow, Freddie will go home. He didn't seem like himself anymore. I couldn't recognise him anymore. He kept saying John didn't love him. I tried to convince him otherwise. But he wouldn't listen to me.

I went to see John at his house. He needed to go and talk to his lover. I knocked on the door. He opened it not long after. I entered. We didn't say anything to each other. I turned to face him.

"You need to go see him." I told him.

He shook his head without looking at me.

"He'll blame me." He whispered.

"Oh my god John. Are you serious?! He blames himself for everything! He thinks you fucking hate him!" I yelled at him.

"He's broken." I said calmly.

He looked at me briefly. He passed his hands through his messy hair.

"I'm not ready." He said.

"I think you should go." He told me.

Fucking ridiculous.

I walked to the door and looked at him for the last time.

"I just wanted to tell you that, it wasn't an accident like you thought it was." I said before turning away and storming out.

"What?" I heard him yell.

I walked away before he could ask me anything. He just had to find it out by himself.

Five days later

John's POV:

I needed to go see him. He was at Roger and Brian's house since he came back from the hospital. I guess he thought I didn't want him at home. But I did. I just wanted everything to come back to normal. I missed him. So fucking much.

I went to their house. I hoped Roger and Brian were gone. I wanted to be all alone with Freddie. I wanted to know the whole truth. What did Roger mean by it wasn't an accident? I think I already knew. I just didn't want to to think that. He couldn't have done this to himself.

I went to knock on the door but it wasn't locked. I walked in. The guys weren't on the first floor. I walked upstairs. I could hear Freddie's voice. I went to where it was. He was in the bathroom. He was hugging his legs, sitting on the floor, while looking at his reflection in the mirror. Tears ran down his face.

"He's not gonna come back to you. He doesn't love you. He hates you. Everyone fucking hates you." His voice cracked.

My heart hurted for him. He didn't have the right to think that. It wasn't true. Not at all. 

He got up. Opened one of his cabinets. 

No! I wanted to yell at him to stop.

He took a razor. He let out a few sobs. The blade slid on his wrist. The blood began coming out of his arm. He looked frantically behind him. I hid so he wouldn't see me. I saw him close the door. 

His sobs got a little quieter as the time passed. I heard him whimper quietly. I got more worried by the second. I could help myself. I knocked on the door.

"Fred?" I asked.

"J-John?" He said.

"Are you okay?" I said.

"Y-yes. I-I'm just having a bit of t-trouble to ch-change my bandage." He said quietly.

"Do you need help?" I proposed.

"I-I don't want t-to bother you." He whispered.

"I would love to help you." I replied.

He opened the door slowly. His face was soaked in tears. He didn't have any shirt on, his wound showing off. I put my hands on his sides. I made him sit on the toilet. I went on my knees. He looked so beautiful. I placed kisses on his hairy chest. He put his hands on my shoulders. I stopped to look at his teary eyes.

I pulled away a few seconds to take the bandages. I began wrapping it around his wound. It looked really painful. I finished to fix the bandage. I sighed deeply. 

"I'm sorry Fred. I've been horrible to you. I shouldn't have treated you that way. You don't deserve that." I said looking at him.

"I-It's okay. Y-You were right." He whispered looking at his hands.

"No!" I said quickly.

"Don't ever think that Freddie. I was an asshole. I love you. And you're perfect okay? You're the best person I met in my whole life." I said.

"And I never meant for any of this to happen."

My voice broke. The tears began falling down my face. He took me in his arms. He began sobbing, letting out all the pain he had been feeling. I held him tighter. 

"I never want you to hurt yourself like that again okay?" I said looking at him the the eyes.

He nodded.

"I love you so fucking much." I told him.

"I love you too." He replied.

I cupped his face and kissed him as passionately as I could. That's when I knew everything would be fine.


	16. His Boring Life (Deacury)

John's POV:

I looked at him as he drew in his notebook. He looked so beautiful. So happy. This man was so special in any way. His persona and look were flamboyant and made me crave of knowing more of him. 

I didn't understand all those people. They all told me to not get near him. To stay away as much as possible. A freak. That's what they call him. Maybe because they want to take his happiness from him.

He doesn't have a lot of friends. Honestly, I never saw him with anyone but clients. Maybe he likes to be alone. It was probably it. 

I met him when I needed to have a place to live. I saw his pub in the journal, he was searching a roommate. I immediately called him. We went in a coffee shop to meet. Everyone knew him. Everywhere he went, people talked to him. Then why was he alone?

I've never seen someone so special. I admired him for not caring about people's opinion. He dressed like he wanted to. He acted like he wanted to. He ignored every weird looks that were directed at him. He did what he wanted to do and no one could stop him.

But what was so wrong about him that made people warn me about him? What had he done? What happened? 

I wanted to know. I wanted to understand why people feared him. Maybe it wasn't fear. Jealousy? Disgust? I don't know.

"Darling!" He said as he saw me.

He smiled at me with his all his teeth. I was attracted to every part of him. 

"Come and sit with me! Let's eat something!" He said excitedly.

"You look incredible!" He continued.

"Thanks!" I smiled back.

I sat beside him. I could smell his perfume. It smelled like flowers, yet like vanilla too. His black long wavy hair were messy. He was wearing a nightgown, the patterns seemed Japanese.

He served me tea and biscuits. I thanked him. He continued to work on his new design. That's what he was doing. A designer. A clothes designer. Every pieces of clothes looked dashing. 

"I've got a client to meet!" He said.

"That's great, when is it coming?" I asked.

"At 10:30! Oh my god it's already 10:25! " He exclaimed.

He ran upstairs. I guess he was changing himself. I heard the doorbell ringing through the house.

"Don't answer!" He yelled.

He ran back downstairs. He was wearing a floral blouse with tight leather jeans. He wore also black platform shoes. He managed to put on him a black leather bracelet. 

He opened the door. It slammed on the wall. His client entered in the apartment. I walked upstairs to my room, so I wouldn't bother them. I heard the raven haired man laugh. I smiled to myself.

After an hour I walked back on the first floor. The designer wasn't there but his client was sitting on one of the chairs. I walked past him. He called my name so I turned around.

"He told me your name was John." He smiled.

"Hum... Yes..." I muttered.

"You're his roommate? Be careful John. You don't know him yet." He said quietly.

"What do you mean? If I should be careful why are you working with him?" I asked a bit annoyed.

"I'm only desperate. " He said.

My roommate walked back in the room with a smile on his face. He took some papers from the table and gave them to the client. He left the house, telling me again, silently, to be careful. 

A few days later, I saw something in the newspaper. Apparently, there has been four suicides and they looked strangely connected. The police even thought they maybe were murders. 

My roommate seemed so interested in them. He couldn't stop talking about it. "I wish I could find out what happened." He would say.

Today, I was planning on doing nothing. Just relaxing. Apparently, that's not what he planned. He wanted to go out shopping. An other one of his hobbies. I followed him, he pleaded so I would come. 

We went into A LOT of stores, going mostly in the woman's sections. He tried a few pieces of clothing and asked me each what I thought of it. It was obviously way too flashy for me, but it suited him well.

We stopped to the coffee shop we met to eat something. Everyone looked at Freddie weirdly. It didn't seem to bother him, but I just wanted to yell at them all. They didn't have the right to judge him. If they knew how sweet and caring was, they wouldn't judge him like that.

"Johnny!" I heard.

"Oh! Yes! Sorry! You were saying?" I said.

"I was saying that I was thinking about solving those murders." He smiled excitedly.

"Are you serious? It could be dangerous!" I said shocked.

"Well at least it'll bring at least a bit of excitement in our life!" He exclaimed.

"Our?" 

"You're gonna help me deary!" 

"Oh no no. I'm not getting involved in that. You're crazy! You could get hurt!" I said.

He suggered, then pouted.

"I'm not gonna help you!" I repeated.

"Okay. We should go now! Its getting late!" 

We went back home. 

A few days later

Freddie was doing his little investigation. He was working on knowing more and figure out more things of his theory. I personally thought it was ridiculous. I was afraid he would get hurt. 

One night, we were watching the tv on the couch. The ringbell ringed. Freddie decided to go. He walked to the door and opened it. There was a taxi driver, standing in front of the apartment with his taxi behind him. It was weird. None of us called for one. 

Freddie talked to the man a few minutes. The cabbie looked suspicious. I managed to hear a few of the things they said. He was the murderer. He was the one that caused all these deaths. The man went back in his car. I was about to go and tell Freddie to come back, but before I could, he went in the car and th he drove away.

I stood there a few minutes, not knowing what to do.

Freddie's POV:

"You're the murderer aren't you? You're the one that the police is searching. The four people that died, you killed them didn't you?" I said.

"I'm not a murderer. I don't kill people. I talk to them. They kill themselves. That's how it works." He explained.

"You can call the police. I'll stay here. I'll let them arrest me. I swear. But, if you do, you'll never know what happened to all of them." He said.

I looked back at the door of my apartment. I couldn't just do that. I needed to know. He sat back on his seat in the taxi. I thought a few seconds. And I sat on the passenger seat.

The man drove us somewhere. I didn't know where we were going. He finally stopped the car. He told me to go out. I looked around. We were on a bridge, in the middle of nowhere. I looked at the cabbie.

"I've watched you a lot. I looked at how you acted, around people, alone." He said with a low voice.

We both walked on the edge of the bridge. I looked at the water, moving under us.

"You're bored. Doing the same thing day after day. You would do anything to not be bored anymore wouldn't you?" He said as we continued to walk to the edge.

"You're doing everything to find your life exciting again, aren't you? That's why you started investigating from your side. Jumping, risking your life. You know very well that its not boring, don't you?" He said.

(I'll love you even more if you get the reference)

We both went the other side of the barrier. My hands began shaking. I began feeling dizzy. He was right. I would do anything to not be bored anymore. 

I knew what everyone was thinking about me. About how much I'm weird. How much I'm a freak. That's what I am to everyone. The persons I begin to talk to get warned about me by the others. That's why I'm alone. But I thought it didn't bother me. Maybe it does.

The idea, of jumping, was getting more and more interesting by the second. Maybe it was a good idea after all. 

I didn't want to make him win, but all of the sudden, I just wanted to do it. I just wanted to jump. I stopped holding myself by letting go of the barrier. I closed my eyes.

"Just do it. You'll feel better." 

What would I lose? Who would miss me? 

"Freddie!" 

His voice. John's voice. He was here. The cabbie tried to run away, but the police stopped him before be could. They took me back on the bridge. Wrapped a blanket around my shoulders. Why did they come and ruin everything? I was feeling so good, for once.

I removed the blanket from my shoulders, but they put it on me again.

"I don't need a fucking blanket! I'm fine!" I yelled.

I tried to walk away but a policeman stopped me, telling they needed to ask me questions before I could go.

"Do you think I fucking care?!" I yelled again.

John looked at me. He seemed disappointed. I ran away. I came back home. I slammed the door of my room behind me. I just wanted to be all alone.

After a few minutes, I heard a knock on my door. I saw John when he opened it. 

"Are you okay?" He asked sweetly.

"Leave me alone." 

"You should talk t-" He started to say.

"Leave me the fuck alone!" I yelled.

My fingers tangled themselves in my hair. My breathing got heavy. Tears glazed my eyes. 

"No wonder they all warned me about you. I understand now." He said quietly.

My eyes met his. That was it. He was leaving me too.

"You know, I'm surprised you didn't leave me earlier. That's what everyone does." I muttered.

John's POV:

I couldn't see the man I met a few weeks ago anymore. 

The pain in his voice when he talked to me surprised me. Then, the tears came. He got up and walked to me. He closed the door, his eyes looked at mine. He had tears slowly spilling on his face. His bottom lips was quivering. 

"I'm sorry I fucked up with you too Johnny." He said, his voice muffled by the door between us.

I closed my eyes as I heard him cry more. My heart slowly broke as I heard the door locking. I went to my bedroom. All night, I heard his sobs. And I couldn't so anything.

The next morning, I woke up really early. I went to the first floor. My head was pounding. I began preparing myself pancakes, I was really hungry. As I was about to cook them, I heard footsteps behind me.

"Good morning lovey!" 

I turned around. Freddie was standing there, smiling like nothing happened. 

"Good morning!" I smiled slightly.

He walked to the counter. He put his little finger in the pancake batter and then put it in his mouth. I looked at him with a confused look.

"What?" He asked.

"That's not even cooked yet!" I exclaimed laughing.

He shuggered. 

"Fred?" I asked after a silence settled in the room.

"Hmm?" He mumbled.

"Why do you act like nothing happened?" I asked.

"Nothing happened." He smiled.

"Freddie, talk to me." I said.

"I have nothing to talk about!" He exclaimed.

"You don't have to be ashamed of being sad." I said.

"I was only being a big baby yesterday. I'm fine." He smiled with all his teeth.

I looked at him with an unimpressed look. He sighed.

"I'm surprised you didn't leave yesterday. I would have expected to wake up to an empty house." He whispered looking at his hands.

I took his hands in mine.

"I would never leave you." I said truthfully.

"Usually, people leave not long after they meet me." He muttered.

"I care about you. You should talk to me. I'm here for you." I said.

He smiled at me. I took his face between my hands. I placed my lips on his. They were so soft. I felt his nightgown detaching itself. I placed my hands on his waist. 

I don't really how we got there, but we finally pulled away in his bed. We looked in each other's eyes.

"You're so beautiful." I told him.

He hid his face, that was turning in a deep pink color. I poked him on his side and he squirmed.

"Don't you dare." He said.

I quickly took both of his wrist in one hand and held them above his head. I tickled his sides and he began laughing. I did it even harder. He let out a high pitched scream. I continued to tickle him.

He started batting his legs so I got on top of him.

"J-John-nny! S-st-stop!" He said out of breathe.

I finally let him go.

"Thank god!" He said smiling.

I laid back on my back. He went on top of me.

"I love you." He told me before kissing me again.

"I love you too. Be my boyfriend." I said.

He nodded smiling from ear to ear. I took him in my arms. He wrapped his arms around my waist and put his head on my chest.

"I'm so tired." He mumbled.

"Go to sleep for a moment. It's still early." I told him. 

He pecked my lips. He closed his eyes after a few seconds. I felt his breathing get slower. I smiled at him. So freaking cute. I felt myself getting tired too. I fell asleep and I was more happy than ever.

Freddie's POV:

I woke up after a few hours. I looked up and saw John. He looked so peaceful. I played with his hair a little bit. They were so soft and they smelled so good. I snuggled more in his arms. He was warm and it made me feel so happy.

I kissed his nose a few times. I wanted him to wake up and love me. He began stirring after a few other kisses. He looked at me with a side smile. 

"I wanted you to love me." I giggled.

He laughed and kissed me passionately. He held me even closer, making me feel fuzzy. I sighed deeply in content. 

That's what I needed. I didn't need anything more than him. My heart was full and my life was now perfect. He loved me. And I loved him.

"I love you so much." I told him.

"I love you even more." He said sweetly.

Nothing else mattered anymore. He was here and I couldn't be more happy.


	17. Should Have Waited For Me (Deacury)

Freddie's POV:

"I'm fucking done with you and your shit! I can't fucking do this anymore. I can't live with you when you don't care or even think about me anymore. Its the end. You've gone too far." 

He took all his things and walked through the door, taking my whole heart with him. I wanted to scream but I couldn't. Nothing more than tears came out of my body. 

I knew it was all my fault. I knew I was the one in the wrong. He had every right to leave me. Each of his reasons were good. But it didn't stop my heart from hurting. And it hurted so much.

I had been doing drugs and drinking for a while. I would go out almost every day. I wasn't caring about him or myself anymore. John kept telling me to stop, but I didn't listen to him. And now, I was alone.

I didn't get to sleep that night, and the five nights after. I couldn't sleep without the warm of his body. I tried to console myself, feeling the little life in my stomach. The one that John didn't know about. The one that John would probably never know about because of me.

I went a few times to the studio, hoping to see either Brian or Roger, but after five times, it was completely empty.

I tried to call them countless times. After a few weeks, the number didn't exist anymore. I tried everything I could. I went to Brian and Roger's house a few times. I knocked on their door. After one month, it finally opened. A young woman opened the door.

"Are Brian and Roger here?" I asked her.

"The ones that sold us the house? They don't live here anymore sweety!" 

The last sentence killed me. That's when I understood that it was the end. That I wouldn't see any of them ever again. That day, I went back home, I didn't know if it was even home anymore. I think that's when I began feeling numb. 

My life was ruined. I had one thing left. And it was my baby. Everyday was being harder and harder. Without John, I was nothing. I should have told him before. I should have told him the real reason. Because, I wasn't doing the drugs and the drinks for fun, I couldn't live without them. Ever since John and I had started dating, I felt completely worthless. John was always so perfect, so sexy, so sweet, so beautiful. Then, there was me. And I was none of that. So the drugs and the drinks helped me forget about it, about how much he deserved better. But in the end, I lost him too. 

What really happened before John left, is that we made love two days before. That's when our little baby was created. I almost already knew I was pregnant. I took the test, it was positive. I stopeed doing drugs for the safety of my baby. The day after, John left me a note. He told me he was going to Brian and Roger's house. He wrote that he was gonna come back before dinner, he ended up arriving at 1 a.m. I was already asleep. The next morning, I found John in the living room, ready to leave without telling me anything. I begged him to stay, but he had already made his decision.

A few months after he left, I decided to tell my parents about everything. I went to their house. The door opened, as soon as my dad saw my stomach, the door slammed in my face. I closed my eyes a few seconds, hoping that when I would open them everyone would be back. But it wasn't a dream. 

I tried to surpass the tears. But they fell one by one on my face. I put my hands on my belly. I felt the baby move more than usual. It made me feel so much better. I loved them with all my heart. I couldn't wait to meet them.

A few weeks later, I got told I was having a boy. My little baby boy. I already was falling in love with him. I just wished John was with me to live all of this. We always wanted a family together. But I ruined everything. Like I do with everything.

I finally had my baby with me. I sat in the hospital, with my baby in my arms, crying. They should have been tears of happiness. They weren't. His name was William Mercury, but I already liked calling him Willie. On September 21 1977, my first child was born.

I wasn't myself anymore. I wasn't happy anymore. I could barely take care of myself. I sometimes sat somewhere, staring at nothing, hoping something great would happen. But no, it never happened. Never in my life I had ever been so lonely. I didn't like being alone, that's why I was always hanging out with someone, but now there was no one.

I kinda just sat there, staring at the knife in front of me. I knew I couldn't do that. I knew it wasn't good for either me or the baby, but it was hard. Tears fell on my face. I cried long enough to feel dehydrated. Why weren't they hearing my cry for help? My hands were trembling because of the effort I was doing to not let go and just end it. Because, what would it change for anyone? I wasn't important to anyone anymore. Maybe I was already forgotten.

There was knock on my door. I thought I was dreaming. I opened the door. I felt like my whole heart filled with love and happiness at the same time at the sight. My mom. She was there, in front of me. 

"Mom?"

She smiled at me and I smashed my body onto hers, holding her like it was the last time I would see her. I sobbed in her arms. She wrapped her arms around my waist, telling me everything was going to be okay. And for the first time, I believed it. Sometimes, I just needed my mom. 

I let her enter, gave her some tea. We started talking. She told me what happened at home while we didn't see each other. I felt better, knowing at least someone thought of me even if I wasnt being a great person. 

"He went to see us after he left you. A few times actually." She said.

"What did he say?" I could feel my voice wavering.

"He told us what happened. He wasn't doing so well. He misses you a lot."

I closed my eyes a few seconds, not knowing what to think. If he missed me, why wasn't he back? While I thought, I heard the cries of William. I opened my eyes and looked at my mom with a small smile on my lips. I went to take my baby boy. He had just woken up from his nap. My mom found him beautiful. She said I made beautiful babies. I wasn't the only one involved in that.

She told me she would come back as soon as possible. I asked her if she would come with my dad. She didn't answer. He was ashamed of me. 

Two months later, I saw him, standing at the front door. I felt my heart flutter. His hair were shorter, but he was still the same. The same person I fell in love with. My heart was racing. What was I supposed to do? 

I opened the door, not even knowing if I was ready. John looked at me with a small smile on his lips. 

"H-hey." I said.

"Hey!" He answered.

He was about to say something, but of course William had to start crying. John looked at me with a confused face. I told him to enter and that I would be back. I went to take my baby. 

When I came back with him, John was sitting on the couch, waiting for me. He smiled and smiled at the baby in my arms.

"That's your baby?" He asked smiling.

Our baby.

"Yes!" 

"Tell me a bit about him." He said.

"He's three months old, his name is William. I had him on September 21." I told him.

He smiled, and then frowned.

"Who's the father?" He asked slightly confused.

Shit.

"Hum... Well I-He doesn't know about his baby. He left me. Before I could tell him. 

"Why did he leave you? If you don't mind telling me." He said gently.

"I wasn't being a good boyfriend, as always." I stated sadly.

We stayed quiet a few seconds, which seemed like hours.

"I stopped the drugs and drinking." I said.

He smiled slightly at me.

"That's gret. I-Why did you do them in the first place?" He asked.

There we go.

"I-Hum..." I took a large breathe before continuing. "I've always been in love with you, but i never believed you loved me before we got together. I was so happy when we did, but I felt like it was wrong. You're perfect John, in every way. People want you, you're beautiful, intelligent and you're a great person."

I couldn't bring myself to tell him. He looked at me with a sad smile.

"Then what is it?" He asked.

I closed my eyes to try and stop the tears from coming, but it didn't work.

"I've never felt good enough for you John. In four years, I've been stopping myself from telling you this. I couldn't bring myself to tell you that I felt nothing compared to you. I never understood why you were with me. so I did drugs, I was hoping it would make me forget about it. But it was worse. I felt so bad for doing it. I just wanted to finally feel good again. The more I took them, the more I was failing to see the light. I tried to stop myself. I tried so hard, but each time I thought about you leaving me for someone better than me, and I fell again in this hole. 

My voiced cracked, several tears fell on my face. I kept my head down, looking at my sleeping baby. I couldn't see him home again. 

"Why didn't you tell me? You had so much time to do so." He said in a sad tone.

"I felt like all I was gonna do was bother you. I was already feeling like you were forcing yourself to pretend loving me. I didn't want to be a burden even more."

"Fred... I always loved you more than anything. You've always been perfect to me." He almost whispered soothingly.

He approached me. He pulled me into a hug. Willie was getting a bit in the way. I noticed John looking at him.

"Do- Do you want to hold him?" I asked.

He smiled at me and nodded. I put our baby in his arms. I felt a wave of sadness wash over me. He should have been there, with me, since the beginning.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

I nodded and faked smiled.

"You make beautiful babies." He said.

You do too.

John's POV:

A few days later

Freddie and I saw each other a few times. I liked to go and talk to him. He didn't seem the same man I met a few years ago. It was like, something was missing. A piece of his personality, that was gone. I didn't see the confident and full of ego man I once knew so well. It was like the little spark that made him live, was gone. Something in him died.

William was really cute. I just didn't understand. Freddie never was the type of person that moved on really quickly. He always took time to himself, thinking about if he would in the end let an other man have the chance to break his heart. Because, that's how he saw things.

I was laying on my bed, when it all came to sense. I left him, he was born nine months later. I wasn't being a good boyfriend, as always. He's three months old. You make beautiful babies. 

All these things we both said, were speaking the truth themselves.

I quickly got off of my bed and ran to get dressed. I took whatever I could find in my wardrobe. I got out of my room. Roger was sitting on the couch, I don't know what he was doing actually.

"Where are you going?" He asked.

"I can't tell you for now!" 

I ran outside. The cold hit my body quickly, too bad for the coat. I tried to be as fast as possible. I saw his front door. I knocked lightly on the door and it opened by itself. Why was it unlocked? I entered quietly. I heard Freddie talking.

"I'm sorry baby. I'm so sorry. I wanted to give you everything you wanted, but still, I can't. I wanted you to have everything you deserve. But I'm not enough to give you that. I'm sorry I'm failing with you too."

I went where I thought he was. The sound of his voice got louder. I saw him, sitting on the couch, he had William in his arms and he was crying. The two persons I was supposed to be with all my life.

"Fred?"

He looked up at me. His eyes were red and puffy, but it didn't matter. He was still in beautiful. He seemed so tired.

"You should lock your door. There are dangerous people wandering around at night. I don't want you to be put in any danger." I said.

He nodded and smiled lightly at me.

"W-What are you doing here? I-I mean at night, it's late." He asked.

"Would you bother putting William to bed?" I asked him calmly.

"Uh n-no, no." He said before going to put Willie in his crib.

I sat on the couch waiting for him. I soon as he went back to the living room, I got up and walked over to him. We spent a few seconds looking at each other. I looked at his eyes, the ones that were once so full of life. I cupped his face in my hands and kissed him. My heart exploded in my chest. Freddie wrapped his arms around my neck. We pulled away to take some air. I pulled his body to mine to make him feel safe and he placed his arms around my waist. I closed my eyes and smelled his sweet scent of vanilla. Since I fell in love with him, it never changed.

"He's mine isn't he?" I asked.

I pulled himself closer to me and tightened his grip on me.

"Y-yes, he- he is." He whispered.

I pulled away a few seconds, only to look at his perfect little face. His eyes were shining. How could a human be this pretty? I smiled at him and kissed his forehead. From now on, I knew everything would be fine. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I was right. It didn't matter, we were both happy.

He quietly pulled me to his bedroom. He payed on his Queen sized bed. I looked around, nothing had changed. Every single things I left there a year ago was still at it's place. I think thats when I realised that, Freddie had gone through so much. I couldn't even imagine surviving seeing Freddie walking away from me. And we had a baby. He had to take care of a little baby all on its own, because I wasn't the only one who left. Everybody did.

"I couldn't move anything. I didn't want to change anything. I wanted the baby to know, that you were here once." He said smiling sadly.

I climbed on the bed, I kissed him with all the love I had. 

"Now, will my boyfriend cuddle with me?" He asked with a cute face.

"Boyfriend?" I raised an eyebrow.

He looked down and started to turn his body away from me.

"O-oh. Yes. I-I'm sorry." He sniffled.

His back was facing me. I put my hand on his hip. 

"Y-You must have been happier w-without me." He cried.

My heart broke. 

"They don't even want to see me do they? Brian and Roger." He said sadly.

"Why d-did you come b-back? Why did you l-let me ruin e-everything again?" 

"Hey, hey, Fred!" I tried to get him to listen to me.

I turned his body toward me. How dare he thought he was ruining everything? I approached his body to mine.

"I'm so much happier with you. When I was away, I was so unhappy. I love you. So fucking much. And yes, I'll be your boyfriend, without any hesitation." I said trying to reassure him.

"I love you too." He said tiredly.

He yawned quietly. He put his head in the crook of my neck. He sighed, of content I hope. I felt his breathing get slower. He quickly fell asleep. I did too after a few minutes of playing in his hair.

A few days later

Freddie was so nervous. He kept telling me that they would hate him and I always answered that they could never. We decided to tell Brian and Roger that we were back together. We would also make them meet Willie. The baby was quickly getting along with me. Freddie kept saying that he was understanding that I was his father.

We were in the car. I held his hand as I was driving. He was freaking out. I passed my thumb over the back of his hand in a soothing way. 

"They'll be so mad at me John." He sighed sadly.

"They won't be mad at you, they're your friends. They still love you." I told him.

He nodded but I knew he wasn't believing me. We arrived at the house. I took his hand in mine again. I took William in my other arm. The boys already knew that Freddie had been pregnant. I told them. But I said I knew it because I saw it in the news. 

We ringed the doorbell. Roger opened the door. As soon as he saw Fred, his expression changed. He crushed him in a big hug. I felt my lips quickly turning to a smile.

"Oh Fred, we missed you so much." He said.

Fred wrapped back his arms around Roger. I saw Brian walking to the door. He looked a bit confused. Then, he saw me with the baby in my arms and his whole face brightened up. He walked more quickly to us. At his turn, he envelopped Freddie in a comforting hug. 

This never could have happened better. The two orders of the band pulled away. I took Freddie's hand again. 

"I told you everything was gonna be fine." I whispered in his ear.

He smiled at me and kissed my lips.


	18. Should Have Waited For Me (Part 2) (Deacury)

Freddie's POV:

2 years later

I've been telling John I felt better about myself, better about everything. I've been lying to him. I've been pretending all that time. Each time he asked me how I was feeling. All of that was a lie. All these 'I'm fine.' were lies. I couldn't tell him. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I never felt so bad in my whole life. 

William was now a big boy. He could walk, he could talk. I was so proud of him. Maybe hebwas what kept me alive right now. He has always been the one keeping me alive. I love him so much.

We've started recording again. We've done a lot of shows. The fans missed us. I missed performing. All the adrenaline. All the joy of making people happy. That's what I loved. I wanted to make people happy. At least it could make me forget how much I wasn't.

John and I have been together for now 6 years if we don't count the year he left. I asked myself often if he'll ever ask me to marry him. We already had a baby. Why was I even bothered by that? It's not like he would ever want to marry me.

I didn't want to tell him how I feel. He thought he had a perfect boyfriend. That I was happy, always feeling good. I didn't want him to find out that I wasn't the one he thought I was. I wasn't the courageous, beautiful, intelligent and caring man he asked to be boyfriend with. I was nothing of that. But how do you say that? 'Hey John! I just wanted to tell you that I always feel like shit and that I'm just a selfish failure that you got together with!' If it was that easy, I would have done it earlier.

I wasn't saying I didn't feel happy with him. I loved him more than anything. I tried to be happy, I tried to feel better, just for him. I would never leave him, because he was all my life. And if it wasn't of him, I would have been dead. 

I just wanted to feel better. I wanted to feel happy like everyone else! I saw Roger and Brian together, they both were happy. Why couldn't I be too? What have I done to deserve all this pain and sorrow? But no matter how many times and how loud I asked these questions, they never got answered. They never have been.

I wanted to be a good father. I wanted to be happy for my baby. I wanted him to feel happy too. I needed to be better for him. I could barely take care of myself anymore. I needed to be there for Willie. But I couldn't get out of this. How do we get out of this?

They were everywhere. I tried to not think about it as much as I can. I tried to not think about the blades all around me. It's like they knew that I wanted to do it. And every time I went somewhere, I tried to not fucking take one and just make me feel better. Because, I couldn't do that. I knew I wouldn't be able to get out of that. But the craving waa so fucking intense! How do you ever get to feel better?

The more we performed, the more I got anxious. I didn't want to fail. I didn't want to do anything wrong. Every little crack of my voice made me feel horrible. I tried and get over my little mistakes, but these days, everything haunted me. 

We had a big tour this year. I had been a little sick and it quickly degenerated. I couldn't sing properly. My voice kept cracking, I couldn't hit the right notes. I was feeling horrible, making people pay for something as bad as this. 

I couldn't sleep anymore, I couldn't breathe. When was it going to end? Sometimes, I just wanted to scream, to tell the bloody world that I felt like I was dying. Why couldn't nobody understand? Why couldn't nobody fucking understand that I wasn't here anymore? I was here, but I wasn't. Maybe I was already dead. 

John went to spent some time with the boys. I was supposed to be there. I told him I wasn't feeling great enough to go with him. I stayed at home with the baby. We spent some quality time together. Me and my little Willie.

He got back home not so long ago. I didn't say hi to him yet. I was still in our room. What I've been doing? Nothing. I've been staring blankly at the ceiling. I don't think I'll be able to get up, but I had to.

I got up slowly. I went downstairs. William was already in his bed. It was a bit late. John was cooking. I went behind him and hugged him from behind. I tried to have him as close to me as possible. 

"Hello love!" He said while turning around to face me.

He took me in his arms. I put my head in the crook of his neck. I got used to do that. I held him as tight as possible. I didn't want to pull away. I wanted to stay there for the rest of my life. Warm like that. They were the only moments that I wasn't thinking about the deep sadness I was feeling. 

He stopped cooking, he put the things aside so they wouldn't burn. He led me to the couch. I felt my heart flutter as he sat me in his lap. He took my face in his hands. I felt his lips against mine. It was like we were back to when we were young. I felt like a teenager, kissing his boyfriend for the first time. His kiss sent shivers through all my body. I wrapped my arms around his neck. I wanted to be close to him. It began getting pretty heated, but if course, happiness only lasts a moment. I started thinking about every bad thing I could, without wanting to. I felt my eyes sting as if I was going to cry. I couldn't cry in front of him. I just couldn't!

So, as quickly as I could, I pulled away from his embrace. I didn't look at him in the eyes, I walked quickly toward our bedroom. He called my name in a concerned voice. I didn't stop. I heard his footsteps. I tried to close the door, but he didn't let me. I tried to be stronger than him, to close the door even if he was pushing it. He wouldn't let go.

"Leave me alone, please John..."

"What's going on Fred? Did I do something wrong?" He asked calmly.

I didn't deserve his love. I didn't fucking deserve him.

"N-no, you did n-nothing wrong okay?"

"Just- Just let me enter baby..." He pleaded.

I couldn't. I couldn't open the door!

"Please John, just leave, I'll be back in a few minutes okay?" I said.

I tried to hide the fact that I was already crying. 

"I won't go until you open the door." 

"Please! Just go John!" I cried

"Let me see you. Please Fred, just let me see you."

What could even do anymore? I got away from the door. I let him open it. I didn't want him to know. I never did. He walked in, he saw my face covered in tears. He pulled me in a tight hug.

He didn't ask any question. I let go, I didn't have the choice. I sobbed, harder than I ever did. I had to admit that it felt great. It felt great to finally be able to let it at all out, knowing he was there.

He told me to lay on the bed with him. I did. He took me tightly in his arms, never letting go of me. I think I may have fallen asleep after a while.

One month later

I was so stupid. I was so fucking stupid! He was mad at me. All that time, I asked myself when it would happen again. It was happening. He was fucking mad at me. Everyone's always fucking mad at me anyway.

John saw the bottle of pills I had been hiding. I forgot to hide it tonight. He took it. He yelled at me. He yelled at me for lying to him, for being stupid again. He thinks I just use them to have fun. He thinks I want to have them. But I don't have the choice.

I tried to tell him why I had them. He wouldn't listen to me. He told me that he didn't want to hear it, to shut up. Maybe that's what I should do. Just shut up. Maybe he should have wished me to die. It would have been a good option. 

I went to see William. He was already awake because of the yelling, even if it was really late. I took him in my arms and he hugged me. The last person on this Earth that loved me.

"Baba sad?" He said.

He put his tiny hands on my face covered in tears. I nodded. He was so freaking cute.

"Don't cwy Baba." 

I gave him a kiss on the forehead.

"Willie loves Baba." My little baby said.

"Baba loves Willie." I answered slightly smiling.

"Daddy loves Willie?" He asked me.

I nodded as more tears fell on my face. If he was leaving me, how could I tell William? How do you say to a two years old that their dad is leaving?

I was about to put him in his bed so he would sleep. He hold tighter on me and smiled with all his teeth.

"Baba sweep with me?" He said tiredly.

His little eyes were falling slowly. I laid on his little bed, I had to curl up a bit. I kept my baby in my arms. I waited to hear the slower breathing of William. When it happened, the tears fell on my face again. How do you tell a baby that their dad is gone? How do you tell a baby that their baba isn't good enough to keep their dad with them?

I fell into an uneasy sleep after a while. 

The next day

I woke up. John was gone. He left a note, saying that he would be back for the dinner. I didn't know where he was. Maybe he just wouldn't come back.

I spent the day with Willie. I played with him. I tried to be joyful as much as possible, for the sake of my baby. In the afternoon, I couldn't help myself. I went to the bathroom. Took the little pills in my hand. I looked at myself in the mirror.

"I'm sorry." I said crying before swallowing the two pills.

I went back to where William was. I didn't know if it was even strong enough anymore. It was killing me, not knowing if I would see John ever again. Maybe he was already doing everything he could to disappear again. I didn't want to go through this nightmare all over again. 

The hours past by. John still wasn't there. We ate dinner without him. I kept smiling at our child. I couldn't lose myself this. I did like nothing was happening. William kept asking were was his dad. I answered that he would be back soon. But it was breaking my heart.

I put Willie to sleep. I read him a story because he wasn't able to sleep. I ended up staying in his room until he fell asleep. After that, I went to the living room. I stayed there, waiting for my boyfriend to arrive. It didn't happen. 

It was all happening again. Exactly like the last time. We fought, he left for a while. Then, he went back to take his things and yell at me again. He was leaving me again.

John's POV:

1 A.M.

I was still at Brian and Roger's house. I knew I told Freddie I was going to come back for the dinner. I really planned on doing it, but the guys proposed me to stay a bit later. The hours past quickly. I tried to call home a few times. It never answered. I was honestly a bit worried. 

I almost had to be a babysitter right now. Roger and Brian had a couple of glasses of wine and they were a bit drunk. They kept giggling and saying random things. I really needed to come back home. 

I decided to go now. I told the boys I was leaving. I don't think they heard, whatever. I wasn't mad at Freddie. I guess I was mostly mad at myself. I didn't know how to react when I saw the bottle of pills. I shouldn't have got so angry. Freddie didn't deserve getting yelled at. I didn't even let him say anything. 

He looked hurt. I understood why, I was really mean to him. The worst is that I knew that something was wrong with him. Even since that night, the night he cried in my arms, I've been trying to talk to him. He's always so secretive. He wouldn't tell me anything. Was I blind? 

I arrived home. All lights were closed like I expected them to be. Freddie was probably asleep. I removed my coat and shoes to go and sleep with my boyfriend. I frowned when I heard his loud sobs. I quickly opened the door of the bedroom.

I saw Freddie, under the covers, trembling and crying. I got on the bed with him. I slid under the covers too. I pulled his body to mine. I put his head on my chest. His cries went silent. He held on me tightly. I was never letting go.

"I thought y-you were go-gone." He said quietly.

I shook my head.

"Never. I'll never leave you ever again baby. I love you so much okay?" I replied.

He nodded slightly.

"The pills, I- I need them." He whispered. 

I made him look at me.

"Why do you need them?" I asked a bit worried.

"Ever since you left the first time John, I- I haven't been myself. I've been dealing with depression. The pills have been helping me. I went to see a doctor to have them." He said with his eyes closed.

"You should have told me love. I could have helped you, that's what I'm here for." 

"I was embarrassed." He replied.

I nodded slightly smiling. I kissed him on the lips passionately. I rolled him on his back and I got on top of him. Before I could do anything more, he took my hands, placing them on his stomach. I looked at him, slightly confused. No, it couldn't be that.

He smiled slightly. He was pregnant. We were having an other baby! I kissed his stomach sweetly. I needed to do it now. I showed him to not move. I ran downstairs, searching in the pocket of my coat. I went back as quickly as possible to the bedroom. 

"I wanted it to be more romantic, but I can't wait." I told him.

I showed him the little box. He gasped as he sit up. I opened it, revealing the diamond ring. His eyes were shining of happiness.

"Will you marry me?"

His eyes kept traveling from my face to the ring.

"R-really?!" He looked shocked.

I nodded smiling. 

He got up from the bed. He jumped on me. He had wrapped his legs around my waist. He kept saying things like 'Oh my god ' or 'Of course '. I pulled him down and put the ring on his finger. He kissed me with all his power.

A few months later

Freddie got better over time. He was happier, less depressed. He talked to me more, told me about how he felt everyday. I was relieved that he was feeling better. 

He had a down. We went to his parent's house one day so we would make up with them. Mostly with his father. I thought everything was going well, until Freddie told me a week later everything that his dad told him. 

He had told him that he was a freak, a fat hermaphrodite. He told him that everything was better when he was out of their lives. It had completely crushed him. He didn't have the courage to tell me for a few days. But, I knew something was wrong so I forced him on telling me. He believed everything his father said for weeks. I was so mad at him.

It was all fine now, his father apologised for what he said. He seemed to mean it. He told us that he was just scared and worried of what people would tell Freddie about him having a baby. He said that it just all came out in the wrong way.

We got married not long after. We made it private, in our own back garden. We only invited our closest friends and family. I was so happy to be finally married to the man I loved. I think Freddie was too. He ate so much cake.

Last night, I was in the shower when Freddie screamed at me to come. I got out as quickly as I could, not even caring to finish drying myself off. His waters had broke. We took William to Brian and Roger's house. Freddie complained a lot about him hurting. I felt awful.

I drove as quickly as I could to the hospital. Luckily, we had prepared the hospital bag a few days earlier. I made Freddie walk in the hallway, bounce on a ball, so it would make him feel a bit better. The contractions kept getting closer and longer. I hated to see him hurting.

After a few hours, it was the time to push. He didn't get the chance to have the epidural. I was feeling so bad that he was hurting. He managed to push our baby out perfectly. I was so proud of him. Our little girl was born. On June 24th 1982, our second child, Ivy Elizabeth Mercury was born.

Freddie was exhausted. I told him to sleep and that she would be there when he would wake up. He nodded tiredly and kissed me before falling asleep. I admired the courage he had for having to live all of that alone the first time. 

The next morning, Freddie fed her for the first time. We both looked at our baby for a long time. William met his little sister. He loved her already. Me and Freddie were both so happy. It had been so long since I saw Freddie smile like that. 

We were a family. Families fight, but we always end up together and even more strong. I loved my family. I knew it would all come back to normal, and I couldn't be more happy that it really happened.


	19. Our Broken Promises (Deacury)

Freddie's POV:

I listened carefully to the silence of the house that was too big for one person. I never meant it to go that way. How do you comfort someone when all you feel is pain? I tried to tell him to stay. I tried to have him to believe me. Before I even got the chance to apologise, he was long gone. And it was my fault, because I was a selfish, stupid, ugly dag. I never meant to say it. I was mad. It wasn't either his fault or mine, but if it was, it would be me. I always got mad easily. I wanted to change it, but I couldn't. I knew I hurt him, just knowing that made me want to die. He pushed me to the edge, saying all the things he knew would make me angry, always the same things day after day. He knew that I felt bad about all that, so why throwing it in my face everytime we talk? Sometimes, I wonder if he really wanted me to say it. He would have an excuse to leave me, but he didn't understand that I was hurting nearly as much as him. When I said them, those two deadly words, he became mad too. I listened to him, yelling at me. What could I do more? It was my fault. I deserved it. If he wouldn't have left so quickly, I would have told him to hit me. I would have told him to beat me up. He could have killed me if he wanted to, I would have deserved it. He left me with that responsibility, of having to do it all myself. I sat in the corner of the empty room. The tears never stopped falling since he got out of the door with all his things. I don't know how long had passed since it all happened. I wasn't counting anymore. The air was cold, I didn't care. I don't remember the last time I ate. I needed to do it. I picked a sheet of paper and a pencil. I started to write. A letter. The last words I would ever write. 'Dear John, I know that what will happen was always meant to happen. I deserve your hate, maybe you should have been acting worse with me after all the hurt I created. I've always told you I was toxic. I hope you understand now what I was trying to tell. You should have left the first time I told you that I was t good enough. I'm sure you'll find someone better than I ever been. I hope you'll have a family, that will make you happy everyday, more than I ever did. If I even made you happy. That's all I ever wanted anyway, I always wished you were happy. Tell the boys in sorry, tell them to find a better singer. I know that it won't be hard. How do you cope with a broken heart? The real answer is that, you can't. The only thing you didn't know about me is that, no matter when or why, each night, I cried myself to sleep, without you noticing it. You didn't find the cuts, you didn't find the pills. Maybe I was food at hiding. Maybe you didn't care. You've always been my whole life. I wonder what I've been to you all this time. I've heard you knocking on my door for an hour. It's better that I don't answer, I don't want you to see me. Believe me, the world is a better place without me. You can't win when you're Freddie Mercury.' I put the paper and the pencil on the table. I observed the gun in my hand. "I'm so sorry!" I yelled to the whole world. He heard me and knocked louder on the door. I put the gun against my head quickly and my finger forced itself on the trigger. The sound of the gunshot ringed in my head. I was gone.


	20. Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word (Deacury)

3rd person's POV:

"Go to your room. You're grounded." Freddie said to his daughter, Eleanor.

"I hate you! You make my life a fucking nightmare!" She yelled at her father.

"I'm not the one who went out after the curfew!" The man growled.

"Fuck you!" 

He kept pointing to the stairs, not bothering to show her his face full of hurt. She ran to her room, slamming its door. 

"Are you okay love?" John asked his husband.

"Yeah." He sighed.

"I'll go and talk to her." The younger said.

He went upstairs. He knocked on the door of his daughter, letting himself in when he got no answer.

"Hey Ela." He said sweetly.

She looked at him with a sad smile.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly.

John took her in his arms. 

"It's okay. Just don't do it again okay? Papa and I were worried about you." He said sweetly.

She nodded tiredly.

"I love you Dad." She whispered.

"I love you too Ela." 

What they didn't know was that Freddie heard it all. He didn't want to, but he felt extremely jealous. He wanted their daughter to tell him she loved him too. She hated him. He went to John's and his bedroom. He sat on the bed, how did it turn like that?

Freddie's POV:

"Don't you understand you make my life a nightmare?" I yelled at my father.

He told me to go to my room. I slammed the door shut with a loud bang.

I never thought my father actually loved me. He has always been loving and Kashmira, but he never showed me any affection. He never really talked to me. He sent me to boarding school to get me away from him and the rest of my family. He thought I was a bad influence for my sister. He never accepted who I am. He never liked the fact that I was gay and that I didn't have a "real work". I never was the son he always wished to have. When I was younger, I promised myself that I would never be like him as a dad. I didn't want my child to live what I lived for years. I was starting to become like him. I was like my dad. The one that no kids wanted to have as a father. And John, he was like my mom, always loving and caring. I knew Eleanor liked him more already. 

For years, John saw me get heartbroken because of my family countless times.

"We've been dealing with your shit for years. We're tired of seeing you waste your life for stupid things. I'm ashamed, ashamed of calling you my son." my dad spat.

"Did your father ever talked to you like that? No. You don't fucking know what it feels like. So shut up... You never cared to know anything about my life. About me. You don't know who I am." I said with pain.

"My father never talked to me like that because he wanted me. We're ashamed of telling the rest of the family about you. Having to tell them about you liking me. Did you ever think of us? We're ashamed of telling anybody about, of having you as a son."

Each words hit my heart like a ton of bricks.

"Mama? Kashi?" I whispered painfully.

They didn't look at me or said anything. Tears began to blurry my vision and my heart felt heavy.

"We never wanted you." He said harshly.

A few tears fell on my face and I turned around, wanting the floor to swallow me. I began walking away, walking away from the people I thought would always be by my side. I felt abandoned, abandoned by my own family. John followed me. He put his hand on my shoulder as we got to the car. For the first time, he wasn't able to comfort me.

John wanted me to talk to him about how I was feeling. I didn't tell him anything. He was kinda mad because of that. So we fought the few days following. I wouldn't bring myself to tell him how I really felt. It was like I still couldn't believe that it actually happened, that my family told me they didn't want me. What surprised me the most was my mother. I thought she was on my side. But all this time I thought she loved me, she was embarrassed to be my mother. It hurt. Pretty deeply.

It was the last time I talked to them. When my father died, I wasn't invited to his funeral. When Eleanor was born, they didn't know it. I didn't talk to my mom one time since that day. I was afraid of seeing her. Afraid of what she would think of me, of my life.

I've always wanted them to be proud of me, but I never wanted to change so they would. I didn't want them to be proud of someone I was pretending to be. I wanted them proud of me. I started to understand when I was a teenager that they would never be. I asked myself what I did wrong, why I wasn't enough. I came to he conclusion that I wasn't someone that a parent wanted. I just wasn't enough. 

"Are you okay love?" My husband asked.

I nodded smiling. 

He laid beside me on the bed and I snuggled into him. His body felt warm. I was afraid, truly afraid of losing everything. John, Eleanor, Roger and Brian have been the ones who kept me from falling. I was lost without them. Only starting to lose my daughter was hard. I felt like I was loosing a part of myself.

"You should go easier on Eleanor." John muttered.

Was this the type of conversations my parents had together?

"I only want her to be safe." I whispered, wanting him to understand what I was feeling.

"You're being a bit intense for someone who's only worrying." He said with a side smirk.

It kinda felt hurtful when he said that. I didn't understand why he couldn't understand what I felt. We were both parents of the same girl. Maybe I really was too protective. But I was afraid. I didn't want her to live bad things. I didn't want her to be sad. I wanted her to be only happy. 

I turned so my back faced him. I thought he would have understood. I thought he would have least tried to. Was it like that that my father was feeling? Probably not. He wasn't like that to protect me, he just didn't like me.

"You don't understand." I whispered again.

"I feel like you're doing exactly like your father did to you." He muttered.

"Oh shut up." I growled angrily.

I got up and started walking down the stairs. Unfortunately, he followed me.

"You told me you never wanted to be like him. What changed? You thought that maybe it could be a good idea finally?" He said with confidence.

"You don't understand." I whispered.

"Well explain yourself! Because all I can see is that you're being a bloody bitch right now! No wonder she doesn't want to see you!" He yelled.

"SHUT UP!" I shouted.

Here we go, I won't be able to sing tomorrow.

"If I knew you would be acting like that around your daughter, I wouldn't have even asked you to have kids." He snarked.

I looked at him. I looked as his eyes turned filled with guilty. My sight became blurry after a while, a few tears in my eyes. I turned away and started walking to the door.

"Fuck you!" I yelled.

He tried to stop me from leaving. He took my wallet and my coat, wanting me to stay. I still went outside. I didn't care about all that.

"I can't fucking believe I thought you wanted me!" I said angrily.

I began walking away.

"That's it! Just fucking leave! Leave like each time things get real!" John yelled at me.

"Well you're not the one who's gonna fucking care about it!"

I started walking quicker. I heard him call my name. I didn't stop. I just wanted to disappear. I wanted to be left alone. He didn't follow me. I walked to a coffee shop. I sat at a table. A waiter asked me if I wanted something, I had no money so I said no.

What have I got to do to make you love me  
What have I got to do to make you care  
What do I do when lightning strikes me  
And I wake to find that you're not there?

What have I got to do to make you want me  
What have I got to do to be heard  
What do I say when it's all over?  
And sorry seems to be the hardest word

The soft piano echoed through the whole room. 

"Fucking hell." I whispered.

Elton's voice was soft. I felt like he understood everything, like he was talking about me.

It's sad, so sad 

It's a sad, sad situation  
And it's getting more and more absurd  
It's sad, so sad   
Why can't we talk it over?  
Oh it seems to me  
That sorry seems to be the hardest word

It's sad, so sad   
It's a sad, sad situation  
And it's getting more and more absurd  
It's sad, so sad   
Why can't we talk it over?  
Oh it seems to me  
That sorry seems to be the hardest word

What have I do to make you love me, oh  
What have I got to do to be heard  
What do I do when lightning strikes me  
What have I got to do?  
What have I got to do?  
When sorry seems to be the hardest word

I didn't want to show it. I didn't want anyone to know it, but my heart broke at John's words. I tried to tell myself it couldn't be true. That there was no way it was real. But it was, and he said it in my face. 

I went out the coffee shop. I started walking. I found myself in front of the graveyard. The graveyard where my father was buried. I went in it. Luckily, I found his grave quickly. I sat on my knees. I traced the letters of his name with my fingers delicately. 

On every grave, there were flowers, except my father's. There was a rare snow on the ground, making everything frozen. I found myself thinking of every moment I spent with him. They rarely were good ones.

"Hello Papa. I know it's been a while. I'm sorry I didn't come earlier, but you know I wasn't even invited to your funeral. I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't as good as you wanted me to be. I'm sorry I never understood you. I'm sorry I wasn't easier to live with. I'm losing my family Papa. I'm losing everything. Maybe you don't care. I just don't know what to do. I'm lost and lonely without them. I'm not myself without them. You were right everytime you said that I was embarrassing. I think John is embarrassed of me too right now. It was fine and then, from one moment to another, it all fell apart. You were right when you said I couldn't be loved. I never thought it could ever happen. I thought about going to see Mama today. I didn't get the courage to. I didn't want her to be more ashamed of me. I've been hard with you all these years, but I understand now. I understand why you didn't want me." A few tears fell on my face as I talked.

I stood up. 

"I'll come back Papa." I whispered to him.

I imagined as he looked at me. I wondered if he would happy. I guess he would be, or wasn't I enough to make him happy?

I started walking, not caring of where I was going.

A few days later, John and I were still fighting. He wouldn't talk to me, and I was too hurt to say anything. Today, John went to see his family with Eleanor. I guess he didn't want me to be there. I spent the day writing lyrics and watching TV shows. After a while, I decided to take a shower. 

I went to the bathroom with a towel and new clothes. I stripped down from my clothes. I entered the steaming hot water. I was kinda lost in my thoughts. I began washing my hair, then my body. As in any bad movie, I felt my wedding ring slide off my finger. It hit the floor of the shower. I was about to take it again when it passed through the holes of the shower's metal thing. And in one second, my wedding ring was gone, bringing a part of my heart with it.

I couldn't move. I looked as the water kept flowing. I had lost my wedding ring. I sat on the floor, trying to calm myself down. This couldn't be fucking happening! My breathing slightly quickened. My head hit the wall behind me. I hid my face in my hands. I wanted to fucking cry.

I heard the door opening. I didn't hear any hello from John like he would usually do. I was tired of us fighting. I wanted us to be happy. Not to shout at each other for anything! I slowly got up. I closed the water. I got dressed. My finger felt naked. I felt naked without it. 

I walked down the stairs. John didn't say a word to me. He avoided eye contact. I sat on the couch beside him. He didn't move away, it was a good sign. 

"How was it love?" I asked calmly.

"Fine." He said coldly.

I nodded slightly. John got up to prepare dinner. I stayed on the couch. I sighed. Why couldn't we just go back to a happy and loving couple? I wanted him to hold me again. I wanted him to show me he loved me.

We ate in silence. Eleanor went back to her room for some homeworks. I was left alone with John. He went to watch a TV show in the living room. I followed him and sat beside him again. He looked at me.

"Where's your ring?" He asked suddenly.

"I- Uh- I was-" I tried to say.

"You fucking removed it? I can see how serious you take this. You know what? I can do the same exact fucking thing." He said while pulling out his ring of his finger. 

I pleaded him to listen to me. He didn't listen. He threw his ring to the floor. I broke from inside. He went to our room and he slammed the door shut. I managed to fuck up everything again. Like every other time.

I walked to Eleanor's room. I knocked on the door. I entered after I got no response. She was writing some things on a paper at her desk. Her back was facing me. 

"Hey, how was your day?" I asked while sitting on her bed. 

She turned to look at me.

"Can you leave please?" She said irritatedly.

I nodded and got up.

"Yes, I'm sorry. Sleep well love." I said.

She grumbled something I couldn't hear. I walked out. I went downstairs and I sat on the couch for the umpteenth time of the day. I stared at the fire living in the fireplace. 

I took a blanket and a pillow. I laid on the couch. My eyes felt heavy and they started getting watery. I felt so tired. I couldn't have fucked everything up any better. I fell asleep thinking of everything I could have done better but didn't.

The next day, I joined the guys to the studio. We recorded some things. Nobody engaged a conversation. John was cold with me again. I stared at him while he messed with his bass a bit. It didn't seem like any of this was affecting him. I saw his finger, no ring on it.

I went outside. I sat on the cold floor. I lit myself a cigarette. He seemed so indifferent. The door opened, Brian joined me. He sat beside me and asked me for a cigarette. I lit it and gave it to him.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'm okay." I muttered.

"Don't lie to me. You never sit on the floor to smoke outside. How is it going with John? Is it better?" He asked laughing lightly at his joke.

I hated it sometimes that he knew me so well.

"It's worse. He removed his wedding ring yesterday. He threw it on the floor. He told me that if he knew how I would be treating our daughter, he would have never asked me to have any kids. He always wanted kids. I guess he would have got them with someone else. Someone better." I said quietly.

"He loves you Fred." He said looking at me.

"You don't know that." 

"Yes, I know it. He wouldn't have asked you to marry him if he didn't love you." Brian stated.

"They all hate me at home. I wish I could have been a better father, a better husband." I said taking a puff of my cigarette.

"I-I tried everything. I did all I could. My father was right all this time. I can't fucking do anything right. I should have listened to him all these years." I said and I looked in Brian's eyes.

I felt my eyes starting to water. A few tears fell on my face, but I removed them quickly.

"Oh, Fred." Brian whispered.

He took me in his arms. I started to cry. I was so embarrassed. I wanted to hide myself. To escape all this pain. He rubbed my back. 

"What your father said and did to you was out of mind. You're an amazing person. Eleanor is lucky to have you as a father and John is lucky to have you as a husband. And we're lucky to have you as a friend." He said as he pulled away.

"You're the only one who thinks this way." I rolled my eyes.

"And you're too bloody stubborn Freddiepoo." He said smirking.

"Don't call me that, you poodle." 

We both laughed. 

"I could talk to him." He said smiling slightly.

I shook my head with a defeated sigh. 

"It'll do nothing."

I played with his curls, making them bounce in my hand.

"Where's your ring?" He asked.

"It fucking got through the drain of the shower. In one second, poof! No ring!" 

I continued playing with his hair.

"Why didn't you tell him?" He asked confusingly.

"Well, I wanted to, but he didn't let me. You know how impulsive he is. He got angry in a few seconds." I explained.

"Did you ever straighten up your hair?" I asked.

"No!" He laughed.

"We should try it one day." I said.

I put my hand in the little quantity of snow that was on the floor. I formed a little ball with it. Quickly, I threw it to Brian. He growled at me. A real fucking poodle.

"You fucker!" 

I got quickly, but he didn't let me get inside. He took some snow and put it in my t-shirt. I screamed at the cold on my back, the water falling down it. He was still trying to get snow from the floor when I put some in his hair. I quickly ran away, but ball hit me.

I screamed again.

The door opened, revealing John and Roger, looking quite confused. Brian and I both bursted out laughing.

"What's going on?" Roger asked, obviously trying not laugh too.

"H-He started throwing snow at me with no reason!" Brian said trying to breathe correctly.

"You're the one who called me Freddiepoo!" I yelled laughing.

"You guys are kids." John stated with a big smile. 

I felt my heart beating faster as he looked at me. He told the other boys to get inside and that we'll be there in a minute. He pushed me to the wall, his lips on mine. I put my arms around his neck.

"Someone's eager." I whispered on his lips.

He put his lips on mine again to shut me up. I felt good again. I forgot everything, the only thing that mattered was that we were kissing. His lips tasted the same as usual, they were soft like any other day. 

"I'm sorry. I love you." He whispered against my ear, making my body shiver.

He didn't let me say it back as he kissed me again. He loved me. I loved him. So I was happy. We pulled away after a few other seconds. We went back in the studio. He held my hand.

Brian looked at us and smiled at me when he saw we were holding hands. I smiled back. 

"The lovers are back!" Roger cheered.


	21. This Fucking Sadness (Deacury)

3rd person's POV:

They're all better without me. They don't need me. I make them all mad. I should get away from them, they'll be happier.

The usual thoughts got through his mind. He pulled the blankets tightly on his head. He hugged his legs closer to his chest then they ever have been. Silent tears fell down his face. The warm of the room didn't matter as his body shivered under the covers. There wasn't anyone to wrap their arms around him. To tell him that everything was gonna be okay, that he wasn't alone dealing with this. 

It usually wasn't that bad. Normally, he would cry a few minutes, tell himself to not freak out over nothing, get to sleep and the next day it was fine. But tonight, it was far from fine. All of their words were stuck. They wouldn't get out like usual. They hit in his head, trying be free, causing him a headache. It was supposed to be a happy day. He was supposed to have fun, it was New Year's Eve for fuck sake! The new year would arrive, he would be alone, in his bed, stuck with his own haunting thoughts. The only resolution he could would be to escape all this pain. But what was the solution? 

"You're nobody."

"If you're trying to hurt someone, you're with the wrong person"

He wouldn't show what truly hurt him.

"Seriously Fred? Why are you insulting her? She did nothing!"

"You're seriously defending her? Did you hear what she said to me? After all we've been through, you're taking her side?"

"You shouldn't have insulted her."

His friend didn't understand. He took the side of the person that hurt him. 

"How are you?" 

"Not great."

"Why?"

"I've been insulted, this person is trying to get my friends away from me. Some friend of mine took his side."

"You know, friends come and leave in no time. You'll get new ones before you know it. You shouldn't worry about that."

"That's all you've got to say?"

"What? It's true!"

His own best friend didn't understand anymore. Nobody understood anymore. And he knew that having them beside him was making them less happy. He was driving them all mad. He was ruining them and their lives. 

He knew everyone was partying for the new year. He knew everyone was spending time with their loved ones. But he wasn't part of them. Who noticed him leaving anyway? Nobody. They didn't care whether he was there or not. 

He tried to do as his friends did him to do when he was feeling this way. He tried to tell himself it was gonna be okay, that he would be okay. But who would believe it? All of them, all the persons around him we're happy. They had their family, they had partners, something to hold onto. He was the only he could hold onto. He held onto himself only. 

He tried to hold his tears, he wasn't able to. He felt himself get more and more tired. He would miss midnight. Why would it matter? For him, it was only a day like an other. One more day to suffer, one more day to fight against it. Against this fucking sadness. He drifted off to sleep easily.

The next day

"Where is he?" Roger asked.

"He said he wasn't feeling well enough to get to the studio. Didn't say what it was." John answered.

"I didn't record my solo yet on the new song. I could do it now." Brian proposed.

"Sure!" Roger exclaimed.

"Guys, did you see Fred at the party yesterday?" John asked his best friends.

"Uh no. Why?" Brian asked.

"I didn't see him of all night and things got quite heated with him yesterday in the afternoon. I thought maybe he had one of his, you know, one of his down moments. I just got a bit worried. Did you see him at all yesterday?" John asked again.

"Not me." Roger said honestly.

"Hum I did. In the morning, Mary went to see me. She said she fought with him and all. She told me he insulted her. Told me he called her a bitch and other things. So, when he came to me I was quite mad. I told him he shouldn't have insulted her. He was angry I took her side and he told me I didn't know what happened and what he said to him. But yeah, he left a few minutes after that." Brian explained.

"Why did things get heated with you John?" Roger interroged.

"He explained what happened to me briefly and I told him that friends come and go and that he should worry that much about it." He said shamefully.

"Maybe we should go and see him after the session." Brian said quite worriedly.

So the session passed quickly. Brian got to record his guitar solo. Roger arranged some things on his drum parts. John helped them a bit. They did some of the back vocals. The song would be soon ready to be out for the fans.

They all took their things, they went out of the studio and locked the door. They got in Roger's car. Soon enough, they were in front of Freddie's door, knocking for him to open it. Surprisingly, when it opened, they were met with an happy and cheerful Freddie.

"Hello darlings! What are you doing here my loves?" He said with an astonishing energy.

"We're here because we wanted to know you were fine." John smiled.

"Enter! It's cold outside!"

They all walked in the beautifully decorated flat.

"I'm perfectly fine my dears! I've just got this enormous headache and I could barely get out of bed! It must have been from yesterday's alcohol. But I'm okay now! You didn't have to worry about me!" Freddie exclaimed dramatically.

The boys sat in the living room while Freddie made them tea. Silently, John told the others with a nod that everything was fine, and they all agreed. On his side, Freddie wasn't thinking the same thing. He needed his mask to stay. Even if his makeup may be flaking, it would be okay if his smile stayed on. His cute, but fake smile.

He came back with four cups of tea. He sat beside his friends and they chatted for hours. Unfortunately, as the hours passed, his smile began to fade. He was left to that empty feeling inside him. He continued to talk, but his best friends could see his eyes beginning to lack of brightness and happiness. 

"You should get home my darlings, it's getting late. I wouldn't want you to leave in the dark and the sun's already getting lower in the sky." He said to them.

They were all reluctant at the idea of leaving him, but John was the most hesitant. He knew something was wrong, and he didn't want to leave during that.

"Don't you have spare rooms Fred? We could stay and it would be easier to get to the studio tomorrow!" John proposed quickly.

Freddie tried to find an excuse to decline. He couldn't let them stay. He couldn't let them see him get upset again, but he didn't have the choice. So he nodded, agreeing with John's idea.

They watched a movie called a summer of 42. The older didn't pay attention at all to it. He was the one who suggested watching it, knowing he liked it before and he wouldn't have to be concentrated to see it again. But he didn't catch one word from the characters as he tried to contain his emotions in. As he tried not to cry in front of his pairs. 

They eventually all went to separate rooms. Freddie closed the door of his own room carefully and he did as every night. He got under his covers and silently cried himself to sleep. This night, he couldn't tell why he was feeling this way. Why that fucking sadness hit him again. He thought maybe it was planned to be like that. That the new year was all about that. All about him crying under his blankets for no specific reason, but the loneliness in his damaged and broken heart. Maybe one day someone would hear his cries and actually care about him enough to help him get out of this. But maybe it would never happen and he would be condemned to this horrible life he always tried to run away from.

The morning after

An other ordinary morning. A headache from all the crying. A feeling of cold. A feeling of emptiness in him. Not wanting to get out of bed. Not wanting to move. They were all already awake, waiting for him to wake up. A knock on the door was heard. He pulled the blanket back on him. He closed his eyes tightly, pretending that he was still sleeping.

"Fred, we need to go to the studio."

"Let's stay home." He whispered.

"We can't, you already missed a day. We need to keep recording, love." John answered.

The older man grunted and rolled on his back. He had hairs all over his face and his eyes were still closed because of the too bright sun. 

"I still have an headache." He whispered.

"Maybe you should slow down on the alcohol. It can't be good for you." John told him.

Freddie opened his eyes and stared at his caring friend. He always dreamed to have his lips on his friend's. He wanted to be in his arms, but not just as a best friend, as a lover. A lover he never got the chance to experience, to love properly. Because how could he love someone if he didn't even love himself?

"Are you okay?" John asked sweetly.

The singer nodded, feeling tired of answering this question.

"You should prepare yourself now." 

He sat on the side of his bed, rubbing his eyes with his fists. He waited a few seconds before getting up and searching for clothes to wear. He sighed deeply as his headache got worse, the pounding in his head got louder and harder.

"Are you sure you're okay?" John asked again getting on his friend's nerve.

"Yes! Will you fuck off?!" Freddie growled loudly.

John nodded before starting to leave.

"No, John, I'm sorry. Pl-please don't leave." He pleaded.

But the bassist didn't stop himself and walked away. He didn't bother looking behind him to see the tears on his best friend's face.

"He's not coming today too." The younger said to his band mates.

They all left the appartment. The door closed behind them and the tears flowed down the singer's face even more. He got out of his giant room and went to the empty living room. He was alone again. Alone with his fucking sadness.

The day that followed, he didn't go to the studio, he ignored the calls and knocks on his door. The flat was filled with empty bottles of alcohol, nowhere near being clean. His life was slipping from his fingers.

He closed himself from the whole world. He lived his pain and sadness alone, thinking he was the only living it. That no one could help him, that it was too late. He was losing himself and everything left in his miserable life. He didn't know if he wanted to get better anymore.

"Freddie, are you here? It's Elton." His voice was heard from the other side of the door.

The older opened the door, his friend engulfed him in a warming hug. Elton's hug were always the best. They were hugs that you never wanted to stop. They made Freddie feel safe and happy, something that happened rarely.

As they pulled away, Sharon got to take a look at the flat he was in.

"Fred, you're losing yourself again. What happened?" He said quietly looking in his friend's eyes.

Freddie shrugged with tears blurring his vision.

"I don't know. I-I don't know what's happening with me." He said barely above a whisper.

A few other days passed. More tears fell. More sobs were heard. Nothing changed, but the weather outside. The snow was melting, the temperature was slightly warmer. It rained more than it snowed. They were back to their normal lives instead of the Christmas time. 

Freddie's POV:

I tried to contain myself. I tried to avoid all these feelings, to just ignore them. I tried to stay strong. I tried to do like it wasn't happening, like it wasn't thrown in my face. But I couldn't. The sadness was too big. 

I spent days in my appartment, wondering what was happening. I spent hours in my bath, wondering what went wrong, what I did to feel like that. But there's never been an answer and there never will be. Nobody knows where it comes from. Nobody knows why it came to me and not someone else. I spent days crying in my bed, hoping the sadness would go away with all the water of my body. I drank as much as I could, not caring if it made me sick, thinking it would make me forget about it all for a night.

All this fighting for happiness, all these tries were tiring. I was tired of trying. I was tired of telling myself it was gonna be okay. I was tired of listening to people say I would be okay, that everything would be okay. I was tired of crying. I was tired of drinking. I was tired of feeling like this. Feeling this loneliness in my heart, this exhausting and long lasting loneliness that would never go away.

I needed John. I needed him. The moment I saw him walking out the door of my room I knew I wouldn't be okay without him. He was always the one wondering if I was okay. He was always the one making sure nothing was happening to me, I wasn't doing anything stupid. He was the one, wrapping his arms around my body, telling me I would be fine and that he would always be there. I had to throw it all away. I had to throw him away.

That's why I was, right now, in front of his door. Waiting for him to open it, to let me in. I was nervous, excited, but also sad, what if he didn't like me the way I liked him? 

He opened his door, he looked at me for a few seconds. I didn't know if he would be song the door to my face or he would let me in. My heart was beating so fast. 

"What are you doing here?" He said almost harshly.

I stayed frozen a few seconds. 

"I-I need you John." 

"You look like a mess." He said, putting hairs behind my ear.

He let me in, closing the door behind me. We didn't even sit. I apologised to him. He said it was okay, that he forgave me already. He asked me how I was doing. I didn't say much. Only told him I kept sinking. We stayed a few seconds staring at each other.

"I-I need to do one thing. J-just one thing." I whispered.

I took his face between my hands. I put my lips on his. He responded to the kiss, putting his hands in my hair. To my surprise, I felt him push me away slightly, making my heart torn up. He separated our lips.

"Not yet. Not until you're feeling better. It would only be a distraction. You need to get better before." He said.

I nodded, still looking in his eyes. I felt small tears gathering in my orbs. I took a step back. That same old feeling just keeps burning deep inside. When will it fucking go away? This fucking sadness.

"It-its okay. I-I just need t-to go." I said quietly.

I couldn't just bawl my eyes out in front of him. He apologised. He told me to not react like that, that it wouldn't change anything between us. He said that I should stay, that it would be better like that. I didn't listen. I took my coat quickly. I opened the front door, feeling tears starting to fall down my face. I was lucky if he didn't see one already. I slammed the door shut. I didn't bother going back home. But was even home anymore? I turned the corner. I made sure he couldn't see me. I put my back against the wall of a house. I sat on the wet floor. Why was it only happening to me? He didn't want me. Well not yet. But what if I never got better? Then we would never be together. 

And then, without knowing it, as I got up, a pair of lips found mine. I still had my eyes closed when I guessed who it was. He had goosebumps, either from the cold or my touch, on his arms. He let go of me.

"What if I was the one helping you get better?" He whispered in my ear.

Shivers went all the way through my body.

"What made you change your mind?" I asked.

"I love you. That's what made me change my mind." 

Our lips found themselves again. Like some kind of magic, the common rain was replaced by white delicate snowflakes. We both knew we would remember this moment forever. 

From this day on, we stayed together. We loved each other, and when we would be able to, we would be getting married. Maybe even having children, or a hundred of cats. Maybe we were blinded by love, but who could blame us? We were in love and no one could change it. He made me happy and I managed to make him happy too. I finally got the happy part of my life I always waited for. I was finally happy, with John.


	22. Love Of My Life (Deacury)

Freddie's POV:

His foot hit between my legs. I fell on my knees, overwhelmed by the pain. He took me by the shoulders and threw me on the drawer. His foot hit me on my left leg. That'll leave bruises. He threw things on the floor near me. Broken glass found its way in my skin. He left, but I knew he wasn't finished with me. 

I wanted to call John, to ask him to come and see me. To comfort me. But I couldn't. I couldn't tell him anything. I couldn't get him in danger. I couldn't so that to him or to anyone. 

A few days later

I was still stuck. Stuck in this house, with this man. I tried to avoid him as much as possible, but everywhere I went he was there. Ready to hurt me. 

It was cold outside. We were at the beginning of December. Bill was worse than usual. He was becoming very violent. John once saw a bruise on my back. I said I hit my back on a drawer. He seemed to believe it. 

Bill and I were fighting again. He kept yelling at me for being too close to John. I tried to argue with him. It cost me a slap on the cheek. He took my arm. Pushed me to the door. And in one second, I was locked outside of my house. In the cold weather. With barely anything on. I tried to open the door. It was already locked.

I needed to go to John's house. I hoped he would be there. I hoped he would let me in. I began walking toward his house. I was already completely frozen. I didn't notice the ice on the floor. I stepped in it and fell. In the middle of a puddle of cold water. It froze my body in one second.

I put all my strength to get up and continue my walk. I could barely feel my fingers. I saw John's house, there was no open light. I still knocked on the door, but nothing. I sat on his stairs, all my body trembling. I felt like I was gonna die there. I waited for a few minutes. The cold stroke through my body each time there was the wind. Where was John?!

I heard people laughing. I thought I was dreaming. They walked toward the door. Brian and Roger were holding hands while John walked beside them. 

"Fred?!" John said.

He helped me get on my feet. He quickly opened the door. I tried to enter as quickly as possible. John sat me on the floor, beside the fire he just started. He put a blanket on my shoulders, trying to stop my shivers.

He asked me if he could remove my wet clothes. I tried to stop him from doing it. He wouldn't listen to me. He couldn't see the bruises!

He removed them. I knew he saw them. He did like he saw nothing. It wasn't the moment to talk about that. I passed from feeling really hot to shivering again because of the cold.

"Why aren't you wearing your coats?" I asked the guys.

Brian looked at me worriedly.

"It's so cold in here. Is any window opened?" I whispered.

"John, we should get him to the hospital." Roger said.

"No! I'm fine! I don't need to go to the hospital!" I panicked.

Before they could say anything, I threw up all over the floor. I began feeling really light-headed.

"Okay, we're really taking you to the hospital." John said seriously.

I tried to protest, John started lifting me up from the floor. My eyes rolled in the back of my head. My body went limp and I blacked out.

John's POV:

The boys and I carried Freddie to the car. He had lost consciousness. I was so worried. We put him on the backseat with his head on Brian's lap. 

We arrived at the hospital. They took his limp body immediately and left us in the hallways. Later on, we found out Freddie got pneumonia. I knew he wouldn't be happy about it. I was just happy he was fine.

We called Bill. He was the first one visiting Freddie since he was his boyfriend. When we arrived in his room, he was looking blankly in front of him. We talked to him for a while before we had to leave for the night. He looked silent. Too silent for my liking. But we said goodbye and left him. 

Freddie's POV:  
Two months later

I don't know how I managed to make it work. I broke up with Bill. John was my boyfriend. I was happy, or at least I was trying to be. I could see Bill's face everywhere I went. It was like he was following me. And it was making me absolutely crazy. I felt trapped. 

John was understanding. He left me space when I needed some. I loved him with all my heart and he did too. He proposed me to go see someone to talk. I always refused. I felt ashamed. So when, at night, I was getting nightmares, I didn't wake John up. I didn't want him knowing I still had them. I still didn't feel safe.

I walked back from the studio alone. John was still living in his house and I was living in mine. We didn't want to rush things. I sometimes wished we did. I hated being alone in the emptiness of the house. It was always better with him.

I walked through the door of the giant house. I heard his footsteps quickly. My breathing quickened. He was still there, waiting for me. I tried to get away from him. I walked quickly to the bathroom. He took my wrist in his hand. His nails sank in my skin. I nearly screamed because of the pain. 

"Let go of me!" I yelled.

I managed to get away from him. I tried to close the door behind me. He opened it before I could. I walked back as he approached me. I smelled his breath full of alcohol. He took me by the shoulders, pushing me on the nearest wall. I closed my eyes.

"You're mine, Freddie. Only mine." He whispered.

He forcefully pushed his lips on mine. He aggressively bit my lips making it bleed. I felt all the weight of his body on mine. I thought of John, probably at his house, thinking of when we would be together again. I was there, being kissed by someone else.

He got me away from the wall. He took my body in his. He walked us in front of the big mirror.

I looked at both of our bodies held against each other. I hated to be in front of a mirror these days. He held me tighter against him. I felt disgusting. I only had my boxers left. I looked at the bruises and cuts. My lip was bleeding. I could see every scar on every inch of my body, and I hated it.

He slid his hand down my boxers, not bothering about the tears falling in my face. It wasn't going to end. His hands roamed on every part of my body. When would he let me go?

He turned me around so I was facing him. He gripped my dick. I didn't move. I couldn't do anything anymore. He was controlling me. He left purple and red marks on every part of my body. How would I explain to them?

"You're gonna love it, baby."

He couldn't call me like that. That was how John called me. I felt even more disgusting. I was letting him do these things to me. But I couldn't move. I tried to. I tried so hard. I was stuck. Stuck in his arms.

He abused me. He didn't care about my cries and my screams. I begged him to let me go. I begged him to stop. I stayed frozen on the bed all that time. 

I was gone. My mind left my body. I couldn't do anything anymore. I looked at the marks on my chest made by his nails when they sank in my skin. I was bleeding. I didn't bother removing it. The cold of the room made my body hurt more. 

I stared at the white plain ceiling. Tears fell on my face as I thought about having to explain this. Having to explain why I didn't come to the studio. John would hate me.

I imagined him yelling at me. Yelling at me to leave, never come back. That I was an embarrassment. That I was disgusting, dirty. That I was weak and incapable. I imagined him looking at me as if I was the worst thing in the whole world, walking away from me, from my life. Leaving me to the arms of this monster.

I didn't fall asleep of all night, my thoughts haunting me. The next morning, I got up from the bed, every part of my body aching. I chose a long sleeves shirt. I got out of the room and the house. It was a mess everywhere. I walked down the streets to the studio.

I opened the large doors. They all looked at me.

"I'm sorry. I-I overslept." I muttered.

I sat on the couch beside John. He put his hand on my waist, pulling me closer to him. He placed a delicate kiss on my cheek and I smiled. His grip felt too tight on my body. I didn't say anything. I let him hold me. At least he was holding me. My body was still trembling slightly.

"Are you okay love?" He whispered in my ear as the others talked.

I nodded, closing my eyes, trying to get these images to get out of my head. I felt his hands all over my body. I wanted him to go away from my mind.

The next day

I couldn't get up. I was still in my bed. The sun was coming through my window. Everything around me seemed too happy. Roger called me this morning, asking me if I wanted to come with him and the others to walk through the city. He seemed really excited. I was glad he didn't insist when I told him I wouldn't go with them. I didn't want to see them. I didn't want to have to smile today. I have to curl my lips and faking being happy. It just seemed too much.

I pulled the blankets over my head. The coldness of the room was starting to hit my naked body. I felt sore. All my body ached. The fabric was rubbing on my wounds. I was tired of feeling in pain. It normally never ever crossed my mind. I was with John, I was happy. But these mornings, I wondered if it was worth it. Because in the end, it always ends like that. I always end up hurt. 

I was jealous of Brian and Roger. They were happy together. None of the two was fucked up. None of them was fucking crazy. They were happy together, without any problems in their relationship. At least not that I knew of. But maybe I still was being so selfish that I didn't notice anything. 

I heard a loud knock on my front door. I closed my eyes, breathing in as slowly as possible. I got up, I put pants on and a hoodie. I didn't feel comfortable with a T-shirt anymore. I went downstairs. I opened the door and regretted it as soon as I saw the person on the other side. I cursed myself for not looking who it was through the window before. Bill was in front of me. He had a slight side smile on his face. 

"What do you want? " I asked harshly, using all my strength to say it.

He put a sick smile on his face making me tremble in fear. 

"I want you, Freddie." He whispered in my ear as he approached his body to mine.

He took both if my wrists in his large hands, not letting me go. I felt his chest against mine. Soon enough, his lips were moving against mine. It was too sweet, too delicate to be real. I tried to get away from him, but he held me steady.

"Freddie?" I heard a familiar voice.

My eyes widened. I fought more to escape Bill's grip and he finally let me go. He left, he knew what he was doing, he knew John was coming home. I lowered my eyes on the floor.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered. "I swear I didn't want him. I-I swear. I l-love you, John. And I c-can't lose you. Please... D-Don't leave me." I cried in my hands.

He wrapped his arms around me.

"I'm never leaving you, Fred. I love you. I'll always believe you. He's a monster. And one day he'll be in jail for all the pain he's caused to you. I love you, baby." He whispered sweetly.

I nodded in his arms. He felt warm. And I just wanted to stay in this position forever. Forever in his arms.

"Do you want to do something?" He asked quietly while kissing my forehead.

"C-Can we just cuddle?" I asked.

He led us to my bed. As much as I hated being there, it didn't matter now. John was making me feel safe and loved. I couldn't ask for better. He let me stay in his arms and I quickly drifted off to sleep, without any nightmares, for the first time in a while. I loved him. He was the love of my life.


	23. In Only Seven Days (Deacury)

Freddie's POV:

"I'll be leaving tomorrow." 

He was right, but I couldn't believe he was. I didn't want him to leave me. I didn't want to be left alone again. I loved him. I wanted him to go and travel the world and live with me. I wanted him to marry me one day, to have kids with me. But today, we were standing in front of each other, knowing we probably would never see each other again.

Seven days ago 

I walked to my hotel room, a suitcase in one hand, the key in the other. My head ached from the trip in the airplane. I had the room 309. I unlocked my door with difficulty, hearing people arguing from the room beside mine. It didn't help my headache at all. I sighed deeply when I finally managed to open my door and enter the room. I closed the door behind me, gratefully enjoying the silence.

I had come on a vacation to Ibiza to get away from my work and my problems. I really needed to relax. I was a really popular and praised clothes designer. These past weeks, it had been really hectic. I had dozens of contracts and it made me extremely tense. I just needed to forget about it for a little while.

I had also problems with my ex-wife Mary. We had gone through a divorce not long ago and things were pretty heated. She still wanted to keep our little baby cats, but I wasn't giving them to her in any way. I loved them too much for that. That's why she kept calling and I couldn't have a moment of calm.

It was already 8 pm. I had eaten on the plane and I wasn't hungry yet. I decided that maybe I could go to the beach. It was perfectly warm outside. I changed myself from my clothes for the plane to slightly more adequate clothes to go to the beach. In not more than 10 minutes, I was changed and out of the room, ready to go outside. I locked my door and put my key in my back pocket with my wallet.

I walked out of the hotel and I was hit by a warm and comfortable breeze. I smiled slightly at the beautiful weather and sight in front of me. The hotel was directly facing the beach. The sky was orange and pink near to the sea. I walked to the boardwalk. The wooden boards were all damaged by the time. When I finally reached the sand, I removed my sandals to feel the warmness on my feet.

I was looking on the floor from the beginning, but when I lifted my eyes, I saw a man, standing with his feet in the water. His long and fluffy looking hair was flowing in the wind. His pants were lifted to his calf to protect them from the water. I couldn't see his face as he was staring right at the see, but he already looked like an angel. I took all the confidence I had and I walked more quickly, planning on going to talk to him. After a couple of other steps, I reached him. 

"H-Hey..." I said while getting slightly nervous.

"It's beautiful tonight, isn't it?" I said looking at him.

He turned his head to look at me. He smiled sweetly. I could see all his teeth. I noticed the gap between his ones in the front. It made him so bloody pretty. He had soft eyes and they were lit by the almost hidden sun. I looked again at his hair. I wanted to pass my hand in them because of how beautiful they looked. He really looked like an angel.

"It really is." He said quietly.

His voice was soft and delicate. It looked like it could fade away at any moment. I continued to slightly stare at him for a few moments. I noticed his cheeks turned into a deep shade of pink. He must have thought I was crazy, looking at him like that while I didn't even know him. But I didn't care. It was like any of my last worries we're gone. I felt calm and happy by his side. By the side of a man I only exchanged a few words and I didn't know anything of. It just felt right.

"I need to go back to my room." He explained while he was still smiling at me.

I nodded, not being able to get one word out. I was blown away, blown away by every part of him. I couldn't talk, I couldn't move. I was hypnotized. I only let a smile form on my lips. The first time I had done in a while. It was like all these weeks, I had forgotten to.

"Bye..." I whispered.

"Bye." He said.

He turned away and walked away. I continued to stare at the almost yellow coloured sea. When I finally was able to move again, I turned to ask him for his number or even his name. But when I turned around, he had disappeared, like he had vanished into thin hair. I had lost my chance, again.

After a few minutes of staring into nothing, I walked back to the hotel. I felt half happy, half defeated. A wave of exhaustion hit me like a ton of brick. I walked through the hallways, feeling my legs heavy. I opened my door for the second time of the day. I closed it behind me. I removed my clothes and I was led in boxers. I went to bed. I sat on it and closed the lamp on my nightstand. 

As I laid on the bed, the only thing I could think about was him. His sweet and perfect face. His cute voice. His heartwarming smile. I fell asleep thinking of him, the man without a name.

The day after

I got up from my bed feeling more energic. I had decided, I would be going to the beach again tonight. I would find his name, give him my number, hope for his. I needed to find him. 

I decided to skip breakfast and eat lunch as it already was 11 am. I put on leather pants, platform boots I loved and a floral shirt. I fluffed up my hair slightly and put eyeliner on my eyes. At least I didn't have bags under my eyes. I put on my favourite leather bracelet.

I went to the seaside little stores and found a lovely restaurant. I sat at a table near the window to be able to see the outside. I loved Ibiza already. I ordered my meal and I waited for it while looking at the people walk past where I was. I wished I had someone to share this meal with me.

In the afternoon, I went for a walk through the city. The sun was shining, I could feel it on my skin. The streets were busy and loud. I didn't like big groups of people that much. It often made me quite anxious, especially when I was alone, which was a lot these days.

I missed having someone's hand in mine. I missed having someone to talk to while walking. I missed having to be close to. I missed feeling loved and important to someone. That's all I wanted. I didn't care about the money. I didn't care about popularity. I just wanted to be happy.

After having dinner at my hotel room, I waited for 8 pm to arrive. When it did, I walk out of the hotel to go to the beach. The view was as beautiful as yesterday. But it lacked something.

He wasn't there.

I waited and waited and waited. But nothing. The pretty man wasn't back. I closed my eyes in disappointment. I walked back to the hotel, feeling defeated. When I went to sleep, I couldn't help but think, what if he was gone?

Two days later

Yesterday, the man didn't go to the beach again. I waited there for more than an hour. Maybe I was going crazy. I was waiting for a man I didn't know anything about. Maybe he wasn't gay, maybe he had a girlfriend, maybe he had gone back home the day I arrived.

It was stupid, it shouldn't have got to me so much. He was just one man, there were more of them. I could find someone else. But the thing was that I couldn't get anybody else. It had been so long since I had been in a true relationship, not with someone that only wanted my money and my fame.

Tonight, when I went to the beach, I didn't hope for much. I barely even looked around, I didn't think I could see him again.

But he was there.

He was there, standing again in front of the sea, looking at it. His hair was still flowing in the wind. He had a small smile again on his face. Shyness took over me again. I walked to him slowly.

"Hi..." I whispered loud enough for him to hear.

He turned to me and smiled.

"Hey! Didn't know I would be seeing you again!" He exclaimed happily.

"Me too. I never got your name..." I said.

"John. John Deacon. What about you?" He asked me.

Such a beautiful name.

It always surprised me when someone didn't recognize me. I was happy he didn't know me.

"Freddie. Freddie Mercury." I said, imitating how he talked.

He laughed lightly and I did too. I noticed him looking at my mouth. Fuck. These damn teeth. I hid them quickly with my upper lip. 

"I love your name. It suits you. A pretty name for a pretty boy." He said kindly.

I blushed dark red. Okay, maybe he was single.

"I could say the same about you." I smirked.

He giggled. His laugh was so cute. 

"I was wondering if um... I could have your number? You don't have to.." I told him.

I sighed slightly of relief when I saw he was smiling.

"Of course!" 

I took the pen from my jean back pocket. He looked at me with a mixed confused and amused face.

"Why do you have a pen in your jeans?" He laughed.

"Well... I often get asked for autographs. Because, you know, I'm quite known... Well, I guess you don't know. But yeah." I explained quite awkwardly.

He nodded with an interested expression. I gave him the pen and he took my hand. He wrote on the palm of it. I smiled feeling all happy. I felt like a teenager getting a number for the first time. His hand was soft and he seemed so delicate. When he finished, I took the pen back and wrote my number on his hand.

He had beautiful hands. I could imagine his fingers enter- For fuck's sake shut up. That's why u could never get anybody. I was a fucking pervert.

He offered to walk me back to the hotel since it was getting late. I loved how protective he was. I shyly took his hand in mine and he luckily didn't pull away. I small smile formed on my face. 

"What's your room number?" He asked me.

"309" I answered. (Hihi)

He nodded understandingly. We arrived in front of the hotel. He insisted on walking me to my room. He said that he wanted to be sure I would be okay. I blushed lightly. 

Unfortunately, we arrived quickly to my room. I got my key out of my pocket. I faced John and we both smiled. He put his delicate lips on mine and my heart felt like it popped out of my chest. I giggled lightly when we pulled away. 

"Goodnight." He smiled warmly.

"Goodnight." I replied.

He placed a soft kiss on my right cheek. I unlocked my door, biting my lip. I opened it and entered the room. I turned around to look at him and we both waved silently. I closed slowly the door and put y back against it. My heart was beating incredibly fast and hard. Gosh, I fell in love.

I fell asleep that night with the most peacefulness I ever slept with. I felt happy and delighted.

The next morning, I was woken up by a knock on my door. I looked at the clock, it was already 9 am. I got up from my bed tiredly. My sight was still blurry from the sleep. I didn't think to look through the little hole on the door to see who was standing there. I rubbed my eye with one of my hands while opened the door. 

Brightness kept me from seeing who was there. I continued rubbing my eyes until I saw who was there.

"John?!" I exclaimed surprisingly.

"Hey! Good morning!" He said cheerfully.

"Good morning!" I smiled slightly.

"Sorry, I must look like a mess, I haven't eaten anything or showered." I explained.

He raised his hand holding a paper bag. His other hand was holding two coffees in a weird plate. I smiled understandingly. I let him enter in the room. Luckily, it was clean. I had cleaned it when I came back yesterday night.

"I thought we could get to know each other a little bit and I guessed it would be more likeable in private. Because of, you know, your fans." He said sweetly.

I loved the fact he made this effort only to make me feel better.

"So it's a date?" I asked.

"If you want it to be one!" 

We sat on my bed and I took plates from the cabinet to put our breakfast. I loved this so much already. We talked for a while. I learned he was an electrician. He lived in New York. So far away from me. He played bass and liked ABBA a lot.

I talked to him a bit about my career. I told him about my origins. I didn't bother mentioning my extreme sex life that I used to have and that I hated to talk about. I didn't mention my loneliness either. Maybe he would guess I couldn't find anyone because there was something wrong with me.

We ended up kissing again. I felt so clumsy doing it. It had been a while since I kissed anyone. There never had been anything loving about fucking someone I didn't know.

He pulled my body closer to his. He placed a few hairs behind my ear. My heart kept beating hard. I could feel the cliché butterflies in my stomach. He always made me feel so nervous.

"There's something special about you. I can't figure out quite what for now. But I love it." He whispered.

His hands travelled under my T-shirt. I couldn't let him yet. I didn't want to start being like before. I didn't want to become addicted again.

"Not quite yet." I whispered in a long breath.

He nodded understandingly. He removed his hands from my warm skin. I felt empty without the contact of his skin against mine. 

"I'm not as a good person as you think I am John. I've done bad things. Really bad things." I explained, without many details.

"I don't care about the past. I know you have a heart of gold. Whatever you did doesn't scare me." 

"I used to fuck everything that moved. I used drugs and I couldn't get myself out of it. I wasn't in the right state of mind. I told myself going out and finding people, getting high and drunk would make my loneliness go away." I told him, I trusted him.

"But you changed. You're not the same person as you used to be. And you have me now. You'll never be alone again Freddie." He said more sweetly than anyone ever talked to me.

"But one day or another, you'll go back to New York and I'll come back to London. It'll be the same as it was." I said.

"Let's think one day after another, okay?" He asked.

I nodded. I hugged with every love I could give. He rubbed my back soothingly. He smelled so good. I could smell vanilla on his clothes and skin. I didn't want to ever let go.

We decided to go to the beach since it was incredibly warm outside. We didn't think of putting on our swimsuits. We just went there without thinking. I started running to the water and I took John's hand in mine to brought him with me. We put our feet in the water. I kept John's hand in mine. 

I walked further away from the same and quickly, I fell in the water, making John fall in with me. He screamed quietly out of surprise. I laughed loudly at the sight. He was completely wet from head to toe. 

"Look how wet I am because of you!" He pouted.

I continued laughing.

"Oh! Are you really?" I joked.

"Fred! Not that way!" He laughed.

"Yeah sure." I smirked.

I pulled our lips together for a few seconds. I felt so incredibly happy.

Three days later

John and I kept going to dates and we spent our entire days together. Since we spent most of our time together, I asked John to sleep in my room at night. I liked it better that way. 

Through the past three days, we had gone countless times to the beach. We walked a lot and got to know each other more and more. I loved him for every part of him. I didn't want to tell him I loved him yet. Maybe he would think I was too intense.

Unfortunately, today, reality hit us. 

"I'll be leaving tomorrow." He told me while we were eating our dinner in the restaurant.

I avoided his eyes. All of a sudden, I wasn't hungry. I couldn't eat anymore. He put his hand on mine. It didn't comfort me. I just felt cold. I felt tears sting my eyes, but I didn't want him to see it. My heart felt too heavy.

John paid the bill since I paid for it yesterday. He took my hand for our walk back to the hotel. We didn't talk. The silence was killing me. I wanted us to escape our lives and just run away from everything, together. I wanted to stay with him forever. I wanted him to introduce me to his parents. I wanted him to love me as much as I loved him and to tell me that he did. I wanted to stay in his arms for as long as we'd live. 

We entered the hotel. He let go of my hand to unlock the door. I could only feel the cold of the air on my hand. The coldness I would always feel without him. We both walked into the room. My heart felt more and more painful as the silence stayed. 

Maybe it should have stayed silent, but it didn't. 

"You could come to London with me." 

I should have just shut up and let him go. I should have spent the night close to him, me in his comforting arms, kissing and loving each other. I should have gone to the airport with him, kissed him when it would be his moment to leave. Cry because I would immediately miss him. But at least we would have spent a perfect last night together. 

But that's not how it happened.

He looked at me with a raised eyebrow. My heart pounded in my chest loudly, but not because of happiness. I was nervous about his answer. 

"And why should I?" He said.

I looked at his face, hoping to see his joking face. But he wasn't joking. I felt my whole body ache as his words hit me. Why would he?

"Uh- I-" I tried talking, but nothing would come out.

"I have a life in New York Freddie, you can't think only about yourself this time like you always do." He mocked angrily.

Without thinking, my hand found his left cheek. The exact place I had given him a kiss only a few hours before. I could see the red mark forming. I took a step back, shocked by my own actions. His eyes were filled with anger.

"I understand why you want me to come with you because if I don't, poor little Freddie will have to walk back all alone. Open the door of an empty house, like every other time. You just can't handle the fact that you're alone since the beginning. It's just too embarrassing for someone like you. When will you finally accept it? You think everyone knows you and admires you, but no one really cares about what you do and who you are. You're so selfish. I've been wasting my time with you. You lonely thing..." He talked endlessly.

"Fuck you!" I yelled at him.

I walked past him, took my pyjamas and went to the bathroom. I opened the water of the shower. I removed my clothes. I waited for it to go warm enough for my liking. I walked in the shower. The hot water felt good on my skin. Tears flowed down my face freely. 

It took me a while to be finished with my shower. When I did, I went to wash my teeth and I put my pyjamas on. I combed my hair with my hairbrush. I dried them. 

When I got out of the bathroom, every light was out. I felt a lump forming in my throat. John was already under the covers of the bed, completely on his side of the bed. His back was facing me. I laid on the bed too. I wanted to reach out for him, but I didn't.

It wasn't supposed to happen like that. We should have been having our best night. I should have told him I loved him and he should have told me he loved me back. But I couldn't help but freeze even under the hot covers. His arms weren't wrapped around my waist anymore. Our legs weren't tangled together. I couldn't feel his breath against my neck. The tears kept falling endlessly.

When the next morning, I noticed none of his stuff was left and that he was gone too, I realised that I couldn't let it finish like that. I dressed as quickly as possible. I called for a cab for it to drive to the airport. I ran at the airport as fast as my body could make me go. I went to see someone that worked there to find his gate.

"Where's the plane going to New York?!" I asked in a hurry.

"Gate 12. I think they're leaving." The young woman told me.

I ran as quickly as possible, trying to find the fucking gate 12. The hallways seemed endless. I thought I would never get there. I ran and ran. When I finally saw the gate 12, I noticed a man with the uniform of the airport company closing the doors that led to the plane. I ran to him as quickly as possible. I was exhausted.

"Hey! I'm late! I just need to see someone!" I told the guy.

"I'm sorry, buddy, they're already leaving." He said apologetically.

As if the world stopped around me, everything seemed slow. Everything felt agonizing. My breath hitched in my throat. I watched from the window the plane starting to leave. A knot formed in my stomach. My eyes glazed quickly. I could see everyone around me walking, finding their family, leaving on holiday, happy with their loved ones. I was standing in the middle of everything, wanting nothing more than to scream as loud as possible.

Every energy left my body as I fell on my knees. My hands found themselves in my hair with my arms covering my tear-stained face. A forbidden sob escaped my mouth. I couldn't handle the loudness of everything around me. 

All I could see was his face. His face full of hate and anger. His red cheek. His mouth moving quickly, telling me everything I hated to hear. His hands moving around him to emphasize every word. The mocking sound in his voice. His eyes lacking the love I wanted him to feel for me. The love I wished all my life someone had for me. It had all disappeared in a matter of seconds. Everything I thought he felt toward me vanished at that exact moment. He didn't care about how much his word hurt. He didn't care about the impact of them. 

I returned the hate that he threw to me. I told him every lie that I could ever say. I wanted just the pain in my chest to go away. I thought that yelling would work. I thought it would make me feel better, but I felt even worse than before. He was right. I was selfish. But he didn't understand why. He didn't understand that I just wanted him to love me. I didn't want to lose him. But I did anyway. 

It had been only one week. One week ago, I didn't know him, and I wasn't any much happier. In fact, I was way more sad. I had observed him from far on that beach. I barely said anything to him. I didn't know his name, I didn't know his number. I just knew he was beautiful, and I had a feeling he was the love of my life. When I realized he wasn't there the two days after, I thought I had lost my chance. 

I saw him the day after, standing at the same place, looking at the dark sea. He was so pretty, hair flowing in the wind. I barely knew him, and I loved him.

After a few minutes, I got up, not wanting to move. I looked at the man, still beside me. He had a worried face. I didn't say anything before walking away quickly. The tears didn't stop falling, I just couldn't stay here. I needed to go away from this place.

I took a taxi. The driver tried to make conversation with me. I answered with short answers, I wanted him to stop talking. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to do anything anymore. 

« Because poor little Freddie will have to walk back all alone. Open the door of an empty house, like every other time. »

I paid the driver and went into the hotel. I tried to hold everything in since I wasn't in my room yet. My lip trembled, the pressure on my heavy heart hurting horribly. My head ached and pounded painfully. It wouldn't go away.

« You just can't handle the fact that you're alone since the beginning. It's just too embarrassing for someone like you. When will you finally accept it? »

I opened the door of my room. It was dark and empty, as every part of my heart at this exact moment. The tears kept falling and falling. I thought I would be hurting less than I really am.

« Open the door of an empty house, like every other time. »

As I looked at the bed, I saw the necklace. The gift he had given to me. Did he even mean it? Maybe it was just a joke all this time. If he loved me, he wouldn't have left me. He would have stayed. Or maybe it was me who asked too much. I must have scared him. He didn't want to come to London with me. 

I took the golden necklace in my shaky hands. I wanted to throw it across the room, but I didn't. It was the only part I had left of him. It wasn't fair, he had managed to leave with my whole heart. But it was in tiny little pieces.

I put my back against the wall. The weight of everything fell on my shoulders. I couldn't stand up anymore, so I sat on the cold floor.

Where is John? Oh no, he's gone. Like every other person in your life.

"Shut up." I whispered as my hands started shaking more.

Will you ever stop letting people down?

A quiet whimper escaped my throat when my thoughts started getting out of control.

When will you stop bothering everyone?

Don't you see you're just a failure?

"Shut the fuck up..." I exclaimed more loudly.

Who will ever love you? Not even yourself!

My hands found themselves pulling my hair roughly. I felt the best of my heart becoming rapid and my breathing getting heavy. My whole body shook with panic and sorrow. Tears glazed my eyes until I could barely see anything.

Your useless in this world. Did you really think you could achieve something? You can't even keep someone more than a few days. You ruin everything you touch.

"Shut up!" I shouted.

Sobs escaped my mouth louder and quicker than they ever did. I couldn't calm down. I felt like my head was underwater. No matter how loud I screamed or cried, no one could hear anything. Every scar on my heart toughened up and left me numb. I had lost the most beautiful of my life, and it was all my fault.

I heard in a faint sound the door being unlocked slowly. I didn't care. It could be a thief, they could take everything I had. I didn't care. They could take me if they wanted. What could I do with my life anyway? He was gone. And every bit of confidence and happiness had left with him. He had given it to me, then took it away. It's like he knew it would destroy me. Maybe it was planned since the beginning.

The door opened, I didn't lift my eyes to see who it was. I stayed sit, trying to kill the heavy and empty feeling in my stomach. My teeth were clenched painfully. I thought they would shatter. I thought I was gonna suffocate. Suffocate in all the loneliness and pain I was feeling. I couldn't breathe anymore no matter how much I tried to take any air.

I could hear the steps of the stranger. The sound felt so far away and slow, it was like resonating in my ears. I couldn't tell who it was, I couldn't see anything. The person stood in front of me, before falling on their knees facing me. I was going crazy.

"Shit, Fred."

His voice echoed in my head. I was mad, completely mad. It couldn't be him. He was gone. He left me here all on my own. I tried to see from my eyes if it was really him, but my tears still blurred my vision. They wouldn't stop falling on my red face. 

His warm hand touched my wet cheek. 

"Fred, breathe. Come on, calm down." His sweet voice told me.

The ringing in my head kept increasing. 

"Fuck, I'm sorry Freddie."

His body got closer to mine. I could smell his scent. The smell of vanilla. The usual feeling of love in my heart caused by his touch was replaced by deep sadness and heaviness. He wasn't there. He was gone. He had left me and I was alone again. Like any other day. 

« You think everyone knows you and admires you, but no one really cares about what you do and who you are. »

My hands were removed from my tangled hair. 

« You lonely thing.»

My eyes hurt from the number of tears that came out. I was tired. I wanted to fall into an endless sleep and never wake up again. I was tired of all heartaches. I wanted to be happy, but nothing ever worked out for me.

He took my body in his arms. He put my hand on his chest. I could feel the beating of his heart through all my body. He passed his hand in my hair in a soothing way. He held me as tight as possible. 

"I'm sorry" He whispered.

He took my face in his warm hands. He wiped every tear that kept falling. His lips found mine. The kiss was gentle and loving. 

"I love you." His voice was soothing.

I wrapped my arms around his body tightly, only wanted to be close to him. The warm was of his body was comforting. 

"I'll never ever leave you. I'm sorry. I didn't know what I was doing. I love you so much." He said in a calm voice.

"I love you too." I whispered and his lips smashed onto mine again.


End file.
